AITA here because I feel like I’m completely alone and misunderstood. For about 10 years my mom and I have had this agreement where every Saturday we go for a drive, and the real reason is so she can get out of the house and sometimes go play slots. She lives with my two older sisters who are very strict and controlling, so Saturdays became our quiet way for her to breathe and relax after an ugly divorce that was finalized just a couple months ago. Only me, my mom, and my cousin knew she played, but the actual agreement that she would tell me if she ever went to play alone was strictly between me and my mom. The one rule we agreed on wasn’t about control but about safety because her ex husband has been aggressive, gotten physical in the past, and has tried multiple times to stalk or follow her since the divorce. Recently she went and played without telling me and tried to hide it, even refusing to swear on the Bible because she knew she was lying, which hurt me. I didn’t yell or threaten her, I just said next time please tell me like we agreed. My cousin got involved and said it was like I was holding a gun to my mom’s head, which shocked me since the agreement was only between my mom and me. I calmly ended the conversation by saying if that’s truly how you feel then I have nothing else to say right now. My cousin then went to my mom and told half truths so my mom came at me upset and disappointed without fully understanding what happened. My mom gets extremely emotional during confrontations, she cries, shuts down, lashes out, or runs away, which is part of why she’s been smoking for over 30 years. I also want to be clear that the demand for her to quit smoking did not come from me, it was entirely my sisters’ idea. They told her it’s either stop smoking or they will go to her doctor and push for oxygen because she’s been having trouble breathing at night. They roped me into it without me realizing it was basically a family intervention, put me on the phone, and had me tell her smoking isn’t good even though I didn’t plan or initiate it. I care about her health, especially after watching family members die painfully from smoking related issues, oxygen tanks, constant coughing, and slow deaths, but this pressure was not my doing. After this my sister said she thinks it’s not a good idea for me to go help with holiday baking because mom was stressed and now they think I caused it. I even asked if it would be better if I skipped Christmas because I don’t want to stress mom, and she said we’ll see how this week goes. I told her to come up with a reason why my mom and I won’t do our Saturday drive since she thinks I’m stressing mom, and she said okay. I can’t tell if this is my mom speaking through my sister or if it’s my sister acting without the full story. I feel pushed out, blamed, and alone and honestly part of me doesn’t want to show up for Christmas even if they say I can. So AITA? What exactly am I doing wrong? Help please.
Your mum is an adult and can do things by herself if she chooses to. It sounds like all of you are infantilising her at the moment, no wonder she’s upset!
You don’t get to set boundaries for a grown adult. She’s your mother, not your child.
YTA
Idk it kinda sounds like op and her sisters have been taking a parental role towards their mother. It’s hard to be the parent to your parent and then know when to turn it off.
Yeh I’m gunna go ahead and guess that this whole family is fucked up five different ways.
But at the end of the day, family is family, and trying to care isn’t a crime. It should be encouraged even.
The problem is that one persons care can be another persons stress. I think this whole mess is a failing of communication.
Info: Does your mother have a gambling problem, which is why your sisters are strict and you have made this agreement where she only plays slots this one time a week with you? Otherwise, why does this limit exist?
You need to bring mom out for a conversation away from your sisters/cousin. You need to tell her that you are worried about her but don’t know how much is favt and how much is fiction from other people. Get her to clarify and then she’ll also understand that some of what she’s heard isn’t accurate either.
This is quite a mess. Your mother is addicted to gambling, and you’re enabling her; your mother is smoking, although her health indicates that she should stop asap; your sisters are doing an intervention without telling you or involving you; and you are enabling your mother’s gambling habit while not telling your sisters about it.
Meanwhile, it appears that all of you daughters love her to bits and are willing to do lots for her. It sounds like it might be useful for you and your sisters to sit down, talk about it, and be truly honest, and then figure out how all of you can best help your mother.
NTA, by the way.
YTA
Your mother is a grown ass adult and doesn’t need to tell you her every move.
Your behavior is controlling af. You need to learn to mind your business.
The only thing I ask of mom is to tell me where she’s playing. And when she’s playing in case of a emergency, everything else. I really don’t care about. Is that really controlling though? I’m honestly asking is that just that one thing enough to be called controlling?
NTA. It sounds like you’re coming from a place of love and trying to keep your mother safe. Maybe you should talk to her directly. Text her to tell you love and don’t want to stress her out but for her to call you so you can better understand what happened to make sure she doesn’t get any extra stress.
Info: Is there an agreement that your mom pay X anount to live with your sister? A mnd she soends that money on gambling INSTEAD of paying your sister? That i can see as an issue.
Why if a grown woman so restricted though? If bills are paid and mom luts in her share, doesnt matter what anyone thinks of a weekly casino trip. Shes allowed to do that.
Also the smoking, sisters allowed to say ‘no smoking in the house or too close to the building’. Thats fair. But ahain shes a grown woman who at this age isnt going to magically add years to her life by quitting. Id say you and your sisters leave her be on that one.
Again, why is she so restricted?
ESH but.
It sounds like your mother has multiple self destructive addictions and you’re enabling her.
Your sisters seem to be trying to control her rather than getting her proper help.
Your mother’s not taking responsibility for anything and is sneaking around.
It might be a good idea for all of you to try some family counselling and some support groups. I think it might help everyone feel better.
Completely agree, but I’ve reached this topic with them on several occasions, and none of them think it’s okay to reach out to other people for help. Definitely, the older sister who has most control over everything everyone says and does. If they knew about this post, they would be coming at me from left to right.
It might be worth mentioning that while drugs/smoking etc seem really bad, and they are, they are also way less bad than gambling. Gambling leads to the most suicides by a significant margin.
Where I don’t believe the gambling has gone. As far as her not paying rent or anything like that. And using rent money for gambling. I can agree that gambling can lead to that. And I don’t think I can mentally handle using my mom because in my position right now. If mom were to pass away right now, I will not have the support of my sisters and I’m not too sure about my cousin. I will truly be alone, and I think being lone is what scares me. The most