Hi, I thought I’d ask here because my wife and I aren’t seeing eye to eye on this. I returned from Saudi Arabia on Wednesday where I was sent by my company for a business trip. It was a good trip, work went smooth, and I got to see Jeddah which was good (mild anxiety about what was happening in the Middle East aside).
While there I bought some local stuff to bring home since this was the first time anyone in my immediate family I think had gone to the Middle East. I bought rugs, some decoration pieces, dates, and some local perfumes. My mom lives close to us, we have a good relationship with her. So when I was buying something I bought two of them, bought the same thing for my mom as I did for my wife. I thought this was a good idea, so both of them could get something from there.
When I returned and gave my wife what I had bought for her and mentioned that the rest was for my mom, she got annoyed and said that it wasn’t right for me to have bought her and my mom the exact same stuff. She was happy about the gifts when I was giving them to her, especially the perfumes but when I told her the others were for my mom, her mood soured. I told her it was the first time someone my mom was close enough to to get things for her had gone to that part of the world too, but that didnt work.
AITA? I didn’t go above and beyond for my mom at the expense of my wife, I bought them the same things. I tried to do right by both.
YTA. It means you didn’t put any thought into your gifts for either of them. Was the perfume something your mom would wear or something your wife would wear. Who’s taste were you using as a judge on what to buy. Did you get stuff your mom would like or your wife. Additionally why would you want your mom and your wife to smell the same. It just shows a lack of real thought for the person you were getting a gift for.
I think that most spouses would be a bit hurt to get the same exact gift that their MIL received. It does not make their gift feel special. I wouldn’t have done that.
So your wife thought she was getting “romantic” gifts but you gave the exact same things to your mommy? Yeah, that’s a huge ICK.
You wife thought you had thought of her personally when choosing the gifts. You then showed her you hadn’t. It’s not personal when you buy the same thing- especially if you bought the exact same for both of them. Which makes it less special.
YTA for not putting more thought into your gifts. You tried, but you missed the mark.
Do you want your wife and your mom to smell the same?
YTA
You need to hear this. You made your wife feel like she isn’t special. There is nothing wrong with giving the same, practical gifts to both your mom and wife, BUT you should have also gotten something extra, special, and personal for just your wife.
Gifts that you give to multiple people are utilitarian. For a friend, it’s fine. For a loved one, especially a partner, you make them feel like it’s an obligation and/or less special.
Go apologize to your wife.
And get her something she will really like, just her, to make it up to her.
Also giving matching perfume is weird. Do you want your wife to smell like your mom?
That was the weirdest part. Rugs and decorations for the home? Meh..would have been nice if OP matched those to personal taste for color/design, but maybe they all looked the same to him. But same perfume for mom and wife is just odd.
It appears to your wife that she isn’t any different than your mother. No wife wants to be thought of that way. And you are not required to buy the same items for your mom & your wife, regardless of whether it was the first time someone from her family went to that part of the world. Get mom something, but not necessarily everything. And, for goodness sakes, get something special for your wife.
This seemed like a lazy way to get gifts. “Oh, I’ll take 2 of those. And 2 of those. And 2 of those.” Nobody wants that from their partner.
YTA – your wife wants to feel like you had her in your mind when you picked out the gifts, she likes to think that you were thinking what she might like, what would look or smell good on her etc. Buying the exact same thing for your Mom, makes it way less special. It feels like you bought just two of everything to kill two flies with one hit. No thought behind it, no special treatment for your wife, just “gift for women x2”
Do better.
YTA is my vote based on the question based on fact one you want to see naked.
Lets read and see if it holds!
> especially the perfumes
Its holds.
She doesn’t want to smell like your mom.
Perfume is a “I wanna smell this on you” gift.
YTA.
Gifts should be personalized to the person you’re buying them for to show you put some thought into what you was buying them. It’s fine to get them similar things (e.g. perfume, rugs) but you shouldn’t get the exact same thing for both. Plus, who wants their wife to smell the same as their mum?
YTA you don’t buy wife and mother the same stuff, nor in quality and neither in quantity. Besides, two identic gifts scream zero thought on gifting
Speaking as a married person who did tons of business travel over the years…*you messed up.*
Getting multiple people the same gift(s) tells all of them that you didn’t really put much thought into them as individuals. You’re basically saying, “I’ll just get two of these instead of bothering to find something different for each of them.”
Your wife probably feels unappreciated, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your mother feels the same way.
YTA – it’s fine to buy gifts for others in that situation, but *always buy your partner something that shows you really thought about them!*