So my fiancé and I just recently had a baby about 6 weeks ago. I was only able to take a week and a half off to help the starting process of taking care of the baby and get to spend time with both of them. I went back to work and worked normal hours (7-3:30) for a few weeks until this last week. I work in the trades and I’m currently trying to start a small business taking side jobs and what not. This last week my foreman came to let me know our time is quickly running out and we need to work overtime if we can to try and bang it out. I personally work as much as I possibly can usually because for all the things we have to pay for the money is just barely enough. It’s Friday now and I worked 11 hours Monday, Tuesday Wednesday, and 10 hours Thursday. This however is really upsetting the fiancé. She just started her first day of class literally yesterday and said she needs to do her homework and doesn’t have time so I need to stop working so much so I can take the baby and she can do it. This has sparked several arguments because this is what she’s wanted me to do, pick up side jobs, do overtime, find the money, and now that I am it’s a problem. Whenever I’m home, in my experience the baby sleeps almost half of the time so I would think she could get some homework done during that time, I’m not making the argument that it’s an easy job to stay home with the baby while simultaneously trying to study and do homework for school, but it’s also not a fun time working so much but I’m doing it because it’s what needs to be done. Whenever I explain this she claims that all I’m worried about is myself and my business, but in my mind this money makes our lives exponentially easier, and it’s not really even logical to turn down jobs when you’re trying to start up and get people talking about you. I just want to not argue about this but it feels like it’s her schooling or my business and I don’t know if I’m being an AH for not turning down jobs for the home work
**EDIT:** this is only for this week. My job rarely offers over time, I usually only work straight 8 hours, go home and do my part the best I can, and supplement with occasional side jobs. This week just happened to coincide with her classes starting, and 2 side job calls.
Wow. Just… wow. Do you truly not understand why taking overtime before you have a kid is different from when you have a 6 week-old baby? You have a kid, and you know, plans often need to change. They come first. Not your side hustles. If you have to work, you have to work, but I don’t give a shit, you do half the child care while you’re at home. Note, I did \* not \* say help your wife – this is you child every bit as much as hers, and you are 50% responsible. YTA
> Whenever I’m home, in my experience the baby sleeps almost half of the time
It is VERY possible, baby is sleeping BECAUSE you are home. Like, you being there lets mom relax a lil, home is less stressed, baby is calmer, more sleepy.
You not being home. Mom is more stressed. Baby is right there with her, high alert. Where is OP? Better stay awake and be fussy so Mom is on high alert till Op shows up!!!
> I just want to not argue about this
And thats the only solution. There actually isn’t a solution to the problem, the problem is y’all broke, tired, and new parents. Just gotta not waste what lil remaining energy y’all have arguing with each other about conditions y’all can’t change right now.
NAH. it does get easier but understand no one is “winning” here. New babies suck, they just do, our society ain’t set up for new parents. If you can get a family or trusted friend in there do it. Atleast till feedings stop being every 3 hours or w/e they are (feels like all your doing is prepping for feeding, feeding, cleaning up from a feeding at this age).
Its not her schooling or your buisness, its just the first days of your new family and no one tells you how much it sucks cause in 3-5 years you will actually miss it.
NAH
She’s tired.
You’re tired.
You have a new baby, and both of you are also trying to work hard.
“sleep when baby sleeps” is the excellent advice given to new mothers of a small baby.
I suspect she’s more tired than you are, but it’s not a competition. You don’t need to argue about this.
You need someone who can help your wife get more sleep and get to do her homework.
Sleep when the baby sleeps only works if the baby will sleep other than when in physical contact with you. Some will, mine wouldn’t.
“Sleep when the baby sleeps” only works when you have someone helping carry the load at home. Otherwise it’s shower, eat, laundry, dishes, sanitize the baby things, deal with mail, and make the grocery list while the baby sleeps.
This might be a rare take but NAH. The reality is your financial situation doesn’t allow you to easily do the things that help you move out of that financial situation. Your wife’s class, your overtime, your side hustles — all of them in the long run will help improve your lives. But having a child means compromising on these things, which you also may not be able to afford to do.
I think realistically, try to identify the long-term earning potential of your side hustles/overtime vs the career your wife is training for. Whichever will have the greatest payoff is what to prioritize now. And if it’s your wife’s career, don’t be too insecure to acknowledge that.
Info: how existential is the side buisness, and how existential is the money for the overtime?
Are you working on a 3 year plan so the family will be more financially stable in the future, or are you covering next months rent with overtime?
Do you mean essential, rather than existential?
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Soft YTA
6 weeks post partum her body is still healing from a significant trauma without even consider that she’s doing school.
She is not only healing, she’s going through severe sleep deprivation, something recognised as a form of torture 🙂 – so however tiring work may be, feeding a baby every 2-3 hours (with winding etc in between that) meaning you very rarely get more than an hour or so sleep (aka never getting into REM sleep) is torture and requires significant partner support.
Furthermore, assuming she previously worked or went to school in person she is probably extremely lonely all of a sudden, feeling stuck at home with a newborn when you are out of the house 11+ hours a day on top of the hormonal emotional roller coaster that is post partum.
If you want a wife and child left in a few years, you need to step up as a father rather then just as a cash machine. Can any outgoings/luxuries be cut so you can spend more time at home? There is a reason other countries have paternity leave mandated.
This is tough. There are 2 currencies a home runs on – money and time. You are focusing on money. She is focusing on time. That’s why this argument keeps coming up and won’t die – you’re trying to solve different problems. NAH, but you need to focus on the currency of time here.
Who is doing overnights with the baby? With you working 10-11 hours/day, is it all her? Just because the baby sleeps a lot when you are around, doesn’t mean the baby sleeps a lot all day. When I was on maternity leave with my 3rd, he could be so fussy at times during the day that I didn’t even get to eat…but by the time my husband was off work, he was calm and sleeping a bunch and he was confused why I was exhausted and starving. And when baby DID sleep, I needed to capitalize on it to knock out the dishes, do a load of laundry, restock the diapers, etc. She’s alone with baby a LOT and needs a break to study. That’s reasonable.
What can you take off her plate to free up some time? That will go a long way toward making some progress here. Babies are hard – best of luck!
Im thinking its Youre TA actually but will reserve judgement for a little for info. You seem to think working is the most important, you think you’re ‘helping’, you think the baby is easy.
Before baby and after are VERY different times. It is not helping, it is your duty as a father. Your wife has just given birth, that is no small thing, there are cultures that allow mum weeks of rest after to recover instead of going straight back to work and leaving her to do it all. I also get the hint by the way you phrase it with speak of help and working hard you’re not understanding any of what I just said. A baby changes EVERYTHING and if it hasn’t, then you’re leaving too much work for the woman with a dinner plate sized wound in her abdomen (plus any other birth wounds) to recover from without enough support.
You will never get this time back and your wife needs support now and the last 6 weeks like never before. Are you more worried about being the ah than your wife’s recovery and kids first time on earth?
NAH this is just a tough situation.
Newborns do sleep a lot, but also your fiancé is physically still recovering from pregnancy and childbirth and that takes a lot out of you. Best thing I ever heard was that it takes 9 months of being pregnant to get to delivery, it takes 9 months after delivery to recover from being pregnant. If she’s nursing, that takes an additional toll on her body, and means she isn’t sleeping more than a few hours at a stretch. The lack of sleep also takes a massive toll. And then there’s the hormones. It takes 3 to 6 months, at least, for your hormones to regulate.
Your fiancé needs extra help right now, even if it looks from your perspective like all the baby does is sleep. If you can’t work less, see if you can get your fiancé some help from family or a friend. Someone even just to check in on her during the long hours she’s alone with the baby.
The other issue here is that she’s going to school. Since this is your first baby, I absolutely guarantee you that she didn’t understand how taxing a newborn is and thought she could easily juggle a baby and school. What no one tells you is that no one does full time parenting and full time school without help. Either there needs to be someone to help with the baby every single day she’s doing school, or she should probably take some time off.
I took a year off after I had my first, then went back and finished when he was a toddler. It was the best decision I ever made. School will always be there. Baby’s first year is irreplaceable.
Good luck.
edited for clarity
INFO: have you tried finding a compromise with your overtime?
You worked extra hours 4 out of 5 days this week. Why not cut that back to 2 or 3 days? It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
I also just want to point out that she presumably wanted you to do side jobs and overtime BEFORE there was a baby in the picture. Arguing that she told you to do those things back when you both had more free time is pointless. The situation has changed. What you both wanted/needed pre-baby is not relevant.