I (26M) am finishing my Master’s degree. I have a very close group of friends: "Sarah" (26F), "Mike" (26M), and "Tom" (26M). We are close friends.
For the last 6 months, we said that we would work together on the massive final project of our degree. It was supposed to be our "last ride" together and we were all ok with that. We worked together also during the previous semester, achieving the best project (based on the teacher review)
(Monday):
It’s the beginning of our new semester. The last one.
A professor announced groups could be 3 to 5 people. Sarah immediately got an offer to join another group (people we talk to in our prom but they are not friends)
She accepted instantly, barely even consulting us. She just informed me (not the others) she was leaving, after I sent a text to get informations about what was going on.
I was hurt, but I didn’t say anything because I thought she was doing it to "help out" the other group. I swallowed my pride because we (Mike, Tom, and I) could technically survive as a trio.
(Wednesday morning):
We learned that groups of 3 were actually not allowed due to quotas. Our remaining group was effectively dead because we needed a 4th person.
We messaged Sarah explaining the crisis and I genuinely expected her to think about coming back with us. But I was wrong. She said she was now "committed" to her new group.
I pointed out the irony: she felt bound by a 48-hour commitment to mates of our prom, but felt zero guilt about breaking a 6-month commitment to her best friends. She didn’t apologized after that because she just ghosted us for the rest of the day.
(Wednesday – Sunday):
When I tried to discuss this hypocrisy and express how I felt, she shut down.
Thursday: I messaged her to talk about my feelings. She said she was angry at me and Mike (because we were talking in a group chat with her the previous day).
I proposed a call to clear the air immediately. She refused.
She simply texted: "We’ll talk Monday in person" (5 days later), knowing we would be stressing out not knowing what to do.
(Today):
We finally talked face to face. I told her she was acting in a selfish and ooportunistic way towards her friends.
She admitted she left because she thinks she will have a better grade elsewhere (avoiding Mike, whom she considers less productive).
I told her that if she had acted like an adult, we could have just discussed Mike’s case together and set strict rules. We would have succeeded just fine. But she preferred to run away and ghost us.
She replied that I live in a "fantasy world" for mixing friendship and business, just like if our friendship didn’t meant anything (and as I said, we managed to do a great job working together previously even though Mike was not doing much).
Tom and I managed to keep Mike with us, taking on an extra workload to stay as a group of 3, because unlike her, we don’t treat friends like disposable tools.
So, AITA for calling her selfish?
Yes. You should respect her choices and not be manipulative.
She acted in her own interests. That’s okay. Plus you clearly would have pressured her to stay if there was a discussion.
YTA
Your group sounds like a nightmare…
She did what was best for her and her grades…
What a overreaction to someone wanting tot do a project with other people
You even say Mike doenst do much…. Like why would she want to be in a group with him
YTA for defending Mike’s lack of work last time and presumably expected lack of work for the new project. That you would need to “set strict rules” for him just shows what a mess this group would be. No one wants to be in a group with a problem member.
YTA – It seems very very very very very clear that Sarah did not enjoy working with you three in a group project setting. Being great friends does not automatically mean you will make great group project partners or coworkers, and that is okay. I’m sorry you felt betrayed, and I’m sorry that you don’t have any other friends in the program, but what Sarah did is fine and it sounds like she was trying to save your feelings but not explicitly saying she fucking hates working on school projects with you three, likely to preserve the friendship as a whole. She did not treat you like a disposable tool, but I definitely see why she wasn’t interested in being around you given your whole attitude here. Best of luck growing up.
Your choice to take on extra work and get special permission to remain a group of 3 is bizare, and I expect this will bite you in the ass on both this project and for your friendship with the group as a whole.
YTA and exhausting af.
You’re 26 ffs. Act like it.
She literally told you at the beginning of the semester. This means the class has just started.
You’re on a masters program. Everyone is going to do what is best for them.
Your group of 3 not being allowed is a bummer, not a crisis. Find a new group that needs a 4th and stop acting like this is the end of the world.
YTA
Your friends right – you don’t mix friendship with business. Business/career decisions are made on actual work and productivity. Friendships are for hanging out after the business day is done.
She didn’t like the experience of working with your group and wanted to move groups – that’s completely fair. She even told you as soon as she accepted the other groups offer. She’s done nothing wrong and has made smart decisions for her own grades.
You’re being naive and self sabotaging to continue working with someone that doesn’t pull their weight and just taking on extra workload instead of trying to find someone else.
Your grades should matter to you and if your friendship cannot survive someone doing what’s best for their career then it wasn’t much of a friendship to begin with.
YTA. Just because you’re willing to carry someone else’s weight doesn’t mean she is. Grow up.
>We learned that groups of 3 were actually not allowed due to quotas. Our remaining group was effectively dead because we needed a 4th person. We messaged Sarah explaining the crisis
YTA on a lot of levels, but especially for treating a friend not being in your group as a “crisis”
No is a complete sentence. Sure you’re all friends, but she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation of what group she wants to be in or why.
YTA all the way. You tried to guilt trip your friend into getting a worse grade than she deserved. Asking her to “take on for the team”. She didn’t leave to be an AH. She left because Mike wasn’t pulling his weight and you were manipulating g her to carry him. You better apologize because she is done with your manipulation. If you keep being an entitled, pushy AH she’ll find new friends.
YTA
You’re not entitled to friends wanting to work with you, and if you keep behaving like this, they won’t.
The ages in this post feel 10 years too high for the drama.
YTA. If anyone is selfish it’s you. And you’re being way too controlling. And you were a “bit violent” towards her in your messages? WTF? You sound really nasty.
YTA
Expecting her to stay and carry Mike is selfish. It’s no more friendly, caring or considerate to abuse someone’s friendship and try to force them to be part of a work group they clearly didn’t want to be a part of.
Should she have given more notice? Possibly. But given the vitriolic reaction to her wanting to jump ship despite knowing 25% of your group doesn’t pull its weight and everyone else just rolls with that, I can see why she was reluctant to try and fight that battle.
It sounds like she made the correct choice leaving your group. Mike is apparently lazy about the project and you are exhausting.
YTA. You sound like you’re in middle school, getting all worked up because your friend wanted to do a school project with anther group. How are you 26?