Hello, I’m S (18F), and I had a falling out with my friend let’s call him A (19M).
At the moment, I’m in college without a car. A and I have an agreement that whenever I need groceries, he’ll drive me if I either buy him lunch, pay for an item on his grocery list, or give him some gas money nothing big. He’s been helpful, but I started having one issue. Not that anything bad *had* happened at first, but A smokes a lot. That in itself isn’t the problem do whatever you want but I asked that he not do it around me.
I’m Black and A is white, and while I have no problem with people who smoke, I personally don’t want to be involved in that or deal with any trouble that might come with it. A would show me his carts and stuff, and during one drive he pulled one out of his glove compartment, talking about how I should “live a little” and try it. I told him no, that I wasn’t interested, and also said it wasn’t a good idea to have that in his car. He told me it was his car, which is fair enough. At the time, I wasn’t in a position to piss him off.
Fast forward a few months later.
We were driving and got pulled over. His car always has a slight mildew smell. Unfortunately, the car was searched, and I guess he got lucky because he only had rolling paper. Still, both of us were heavily questioned, and that was the last straw for me. After that, I started avoiding getting into his car.
Last week, he confronted me after seeing me pick up my Instacart order, asking why I don’t help him anymore. Apparently, he needed gas and didn’t have any money. I explained my reasons, and he called me controlling and said I was overreacting. I took offense to that and brought up the fact that he put me in a situation where I was questioned by cops, all because of “his car, his rules.” He said it wasn’t that big of a deal, and I called him a privileged white kid as well as brought up the fact that i am a POC i can’t just fuck around with cops.
When I vented to a mutual friend about it, they said that if there had actually been weed, A would have owned up to it, and that he isn’t irresponsible then told me to stop being so paranoid. We haven’t talked since then, and now I feel like an ass.
NTA. They’re willingly ignoring the danger to you, and regardless, you’re under no obligation to be in his car.
Omg A is an entitled privileged jerk. You buried the lead at the beginning by not calling out that it was marijuana that he was smoking.
Now don’t get me wrong everyone can enjoy their marijuana if they are interested – but it should be in a place where operating heavy machinery isn’t involved. His recklessness could have cost you your life or prison depending on the state and their laws for how much could have been there.
For those who said he would have fessed up – don’t take this the wrong way but you are just current cash person not actual invested friend. He owes you nothing and will throw you under the bus the first chance he got to save his skin. No way he “fesses up” and tries to protect you.
Your friends are idealistic but not acknowledging the realities in front of them. You don’t owe him an explanation- you can just say thanks for the previous support and I have found a way to get around. You don’t owe him this lengthy rant.
Perfectly fine reaction on your end. If you don’t wanna be near that stuff you don’t wanna be near it plain and simple. If he really understood he wouldn’t have put you in that situation, and I bet he wouldn’t hesitate to put you in that situation again.
NTA You had every right to distance yourself to protect yourself. You are not obligated to continue accepting his car services in exchange for gas money. He’s not entitled to you or your money. You have every right to prioritize your health and safety. You did the right thing. Anyone telling you otherwise is basically saying “His discomfort and inconvenience is more important than your health, safety and well-being.” Just … no. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Someone a longtime ago told me “lay with dogs, and you’ll get fleas.”
You can’t blame him for being who he is, but you can choose to either A. stop associating with him, or B. use him as needed but accept the potential implications.
A good friend wouldn’t press drug usage on someone else that has expressed no desire to do so, and would not place that person in situations they don’t feel comfortable/safe in. Again, he is who he is.
Based on the circumstances you definitely don’t need to feel like an ass, but the white privilege stab was definitely just that- a stab that didn’t add any value to the conversation.
NTA, you didn’t say he shouldn’t do what he wants in his car, just that you’re removing yourself from the equation.
How does the mutual friend know that A would have taken the blame for weed if you two were caught together?
Don’t fall for this—you’re all young and A doesn’t think properly (too much drug usage). Stay the course, you are doing nothing wrong.
NTA I’ve said it before if you’ve an issue with what people do in their own homes/cars etc just don’t go/get into them. That’s exactly what you’re doing. He has the right to chose to smoke – you’ve the right to not be around that
I hate to say it, if you do happen to get pulled over in his car again and there is weed, there’s really nothing stopping him from blaming you.
If I were you, for your own safety, I would avoid him at all costs.
NTA . Please continue to protect your reputation AND future record .
NTA. Young man, I have to commend you for your eloquence and dignity in the way you handled this post. Bravo Zulu. Also this is what I’m understanding from your post, that he just doesn’t understand what it is to be a POC driving around in a car that smells like wacky tabacky and that he will never understand the consequences of having to endure that. I get it and I agree with you. Good for you for being proactive. You did the right thing! 👏
NTA. You’re setting boundaries between the two of you, which is what grown up people do. After all, just because you are friends, doesn’t mean you have to continue going with him after the pull over and search. And also, if he got money for grass, he got money for gas.
As for the friend you spoke to, they are probably trying to avoid conflict. Yet, when looking at it, there are always two sides. And even if they truly believe A would own up to it, dismissing your concern and boundaries is not something that they should have done.
Some people just need a reality check.
NTA. I’m guessing the mutual friend isn’t Black?
You’re obviously not being paranoid. I’d cut them both loose. Do not let them gaslight you.
NTA and unfortunately white privilege does exist which sucks.
NTA- no one who hasn’t walked in your shoes can you judge you for this. Anyone who does probably doesn’t belong in your life.
As to his claims, you were not controlling his life. You had an agreement and held up your end as long as he did his. When he was no longer doing that, you withdrew from the agreement.