For context, all of our family are having separate Christmas’s this year where we’re travelling to see the other sides of our family on the 25th. We are all in our 50s with young / teenage children. In early November we found one date in December we could all make to catch up and celebrate Christmas together before we all departed for separate trips.
We had this date booked in the diary for 6+ weeks and my husband and I have declined subsequent plans with friends because that day was reserved for the family catch up.
The week of, as I’m messaging my sister-in-law to confirm finer details of the menu/plans for the upcoming day she mentioned that my brother (her husband) was calling other members of the family to try and get the date of the scheduled family catch up we had planned so they could go skiing with friends as the weather was “looking great that day”. Essentially the suggestion was we keep plans “loose” while they decided whether they would a) go skiing with friends, b) still commit to original scheduled plan to have the family Christmas that day or c) try and reschedule for a different day (there were no other dates that aligned when originally booked this in Nov and that was still the case a week out).
I admit I overreacted to this suggestion at the time over text that we “keep our weekend free” and rather than just saying “no the suggested new date doesn’t work for us” and explained that the mere suggestion of changing the date was hurtful as it showed to me they were wanting to prioritise friends over family. That obviously went down like a cold cup of sick. We have since smoothed things over and we have ended up conceding and changing our plans to accomodate them going skiing and re-worked our plans to fit in a family catch up around other plans we have for the following day which will put extra pressure on our family but will work better for them. Upon reflection my husband and I are still left mystified… the original point I was making to my sister in law and the reason I felt hurt in the first place remains the same. They wanted to move plans for a family Christmas catch up to prioritise a catch up with their friends, we declined catch ups with our friends that same day so we could prioritise a family Christmas.
I have been made to feel like the “bad guy” for challenging this as though plans were “loose” and things “always change at this time of year” and I “could’ve just said no and we would’ve kept the original plans on the original date” but when everyone is busy trying to fit in catch ups in the lead up to Christmas break it has left me feeling like we are not as much of a priority/ consideration to them as they are to us? Without going into to many other details my partner and I always feel like we concede or be the bigger people and now I just feel like our usual amiable and flexible approach gets taken advantage of. I decided to put my foot down, it backfired, we changed plans to suit them… I still feel hurt.
While I agree that sometimes things change, the fact is that December is jam packed for everyone and you all chose this specific time because no others would align, so there is no other option.
NTA
I think that’s what makes it hurtful. We are the first to be flexible, change plans, role with the punches at any other time of year. The fact that is was the only date that worked for everyone to catch up pre-Christmas, we had used a WhatsApp poll to determine date and that was the only option that worked for everyone is what makes the choice to try and change the date feel very self motivated / self centred
Now you know where you guys stand in their priorities. Now onwards, ensure you are not conceding too much to others’ wishes and that you communicate your thoughts assertively at the beginning.
I’m pretty sure you being assertive will not go down with people who are used to bulldozing you all this while but hey, we all need to learn our lesson sometime!
NTA
Stop accommodating them. You’re letting them get away with this behavior and they’ll just keep doing it. You should’ve kept the day and said “have fun skiing. Obviously we aren’t as important as your friends even though this has been planned for 6 weeks. Nice to know where we stand.”
I have been made to feel like the “bad guy” for challenging this as though plans were “loose” and things “always change at this time of year” and I “could’ve just said no and we would’ve kept the original plans on the original date”
How’s that gaslight looking to you? They seem to pull it out often. You should smash it. Or turn it back on them.
I’m saying NTA, but if you let them keep playing you like this, you’re being assholes to yourselves.
“You’re being assholes to yourselves” – I needed to hear that. Thank you.
YTA for conceding and then wanting to renege because you rethought it and now say that it wasn’t right. You should just stick with the new plans you OKed. But next time just stick with the plan that was agreed to. Or check to see if if everyone will make it or more people will show on the original date. Why make new plans for one person with a conflict when it causes other people to miss.
Now you could ask all involved who will miss because of the changed plans and who would be forced to miss if you went back to the new schedule.
Thanks for reading my post. We haven’t reneged or tried to change plans again, we’re proceeding with the new changed plans that suit them better. It’s just after the fact that my husband and I are reflecting on the experience and realising that our original points are still valid and we’re realising we’re the ones who always accomodate.
I would feel hurt. Next time, don’t bother working around them, just do what you want, and if challenged, just say ‘well your priority last time was skiing because the weather was looking great that day, so my priority is hanging out with my friend in a restaurant because the specials are looking great’. If they say you’re being selfish or something, just say you are only behaving in the exact same way they are, so we either all decide to be selfish or all decide not to be, it’s only fair.
NTA, and you’re exactly right – you are not as high a priority to them as they are to you. You know that now, if you didn’t before, and you can incorporate that information into your own behavior in the future.
It’s obviously hurtful to find that some family members see time together as a chore that can be moved around to accommodate more enjoyable outings. Your SIL and brother are reacting the way they are because *they know that*, but they wanted to do it anyway without anyone acknowledging what they were doing. So they’ve decided that because you said the obvious truth out loud it’s your fault that people know the truth.
Continue making your family holiday plans in future years. But bear in mind that if there are people who *behave* as family to you, it’s reasonable to prioritize your plans with them over your blood family who have made it clear that you are low priority.
I think deep down I have known that we’ve not been a priority for the past decade. Thank you for summarising that beautifully.
NTA — asking you to be flexible at that time of year at coordinating an event for so many people is selfish.
“Can we change –”
“No, but if you can’t make it that’s a shame.”