Throwaway account for anonymity
I (26F) have been seeing this guy (26M) for a few months. Let’s call him Liam. Liam and I are part of the same running club and we have some friends there too. However, Liam and I don’t like John (30M) because we find his behavior suspicious. John has a girlfriend but his closeness with some of our friends (all women) in our running club is borderline suspicious, like he’d be on the phone with them until 3 in the morning and he’d open up to the them about his relationship issues even though he’s only been friends with them for 2 months.
Liam attended a run I didn’t go to. He overheard John talking to Hannah (28F), one of the women he’s friends with, and she’s talking about a girl she has beef with. When Liam shared this with me, he said John is being “feminine” and “girly” for gossiping with Hannah about that. I found that remark weird and quite misogynistic so I told him that’s kind of problematic. He clarified and said John shouldn’t talk about “girly problems” with Hannah (even though it was Hannah who shared those problems). It bothered me so much that I called him out on it. I said equating gossiping as “feminine” is really weird because it seems like he has a negative connotation to it. It was also odd because he just overheard this and ended up gossiping that to me? Lol
I did get carried away though so I admit my voice got louder eventually and he just shrugged it off and said “it’s not a big deal.” That pissed me off and told him I don’t want to talk anymore. The next day, I apologized for raising my voice but still stand by what I said. He said he got scared of me because of “how aggressive I got” and he didn’t expect I would “start a fight” over it.
Now I’m even more pissed off that it’s like he’s twisting the story? But am I the asshole for calling him out over something that’s “not a big deal”?
NTA. He is literally gossiping about John! So, not only is he sexist, he’s a hypocrite.
NTA and Liam sounds like an AH. I don’t think his remarks are “slightly” misogynistic. He said it in earnest and doubled down, going on to dismiss you when you addressed it. If it were a failed joke, I would be more optimistic, but this is a red flag imo.
It’s also concerning that his only takeaway is getting “scared” that you are “aggressive” instead of reflecting on how his remarks might have affected you.
NTA and Liam’s comments in the first place plus his doubling down after you called him out do *not* paint a picture of a man who’s going to be respectful in a long-term relationship with a woman.
Why are you and Liam making such a big deal about this John person in the first place, though? Mind your own business. He’s not calling *you* at 3am, and the women he’s friends with/dating have the agency to decide if they want him in their life or not. It’s honestly really weird that you’re so fixated on it.
I like that the guy called it “feminine” and was doing the exact same thing
“Aggressive” “starting a fight”
He’s not hearing what you said and only focusing that he didn’t like how you said it
Red flag. Ditch him. NTA
He gave you a gift! Welcome to how he’ll handle every conflict you’ll ever have with him. Better to know now than later.
NTA
Liam is a misogynist asshole.
You guys sound like teeny boppers.
He sure as hell does.
nta but listen girlie you’re not his mom its not your place to train him to behave in public.
Frankly you should just break up with him because clearly your values don’t align with his, and that’s a nonnegotiable long term compatibility issue.
NTA he complained about gossip…while gossiping with you.
And it is pretty misogynistic to think that gossiping is “feminine” or “girly”. I work in a 99% male workplace, in a paper plant. Guys are always gossiping. Talking about each others in their back at every occasion.
NTA–he seems like a real loser. Gossipy, misogynistic, DARVOing baby.
YTA
Have no idea why you felt it necessary to “raise your voice” to him… regardless of the comments. This is the guy you are seeing….just a simple conversation about what he said.
And is about some guy both of you don’t really like. Which is strange!
He clarified what he meant, to clear up the misunderstanding.
And you’ve admitted that you got carried away with the situation…
You’re both judging a guy for being friends with women and now are going after each other over it.
I love it.
Maybe John and the ladies will catch on and have something else to discuss on their calls.
ESH