I’m supposed to be going on a trip to TN with some friends in February. It was gonna be me, Tommy, Tammy, Bryce, and Makayla. Fake names in case they see this. Tommy and Tammy are dating. It was supposed to be a birthday trip for Tammy, and it was gonna be 4 days, 3 nights. All of us have know each other since we were kids, but we formed this friend group about 2 years ago or a little less.
Well, Bryce has backed out because of financial reasons. Tommy and Tammy have been dating for a few months now, and they act super couple-ly and touchy all the time, and it makes me kinda uncomfortable because I was raised with parents who nearly never showed PDA. That already made me hesitant to go on the trip (they don’t know that), but with Bryce not going on the trip, I feel like there’s less buffer and it’d be weirder for me to be around them acting all coupl-ly and touchy with each other. They’re not like making out in front of me or anything like that; just always holding hands or touching each other’s legs, or she leans her head on his chest or she’ll rub his shoulders/back. My parents were never like that and it’s just uncomfortable for me to be around. I briefly mentioned to them today that Bryce had backed out and I didn’t know if I was gonna go. Tammy immediately got angry and was like “you’re gonna back out over that?? This is my birthday trip” so I’m debating rn. I don’t wanna ruin the trip since they probably won’t go if it’s just Tommy, Tammy, and Makayla, but I also think the trip wouldn’t be any fun with this dynamic.
Plus, I joined the National Guard, and I could go to basic training as soon as April or possibly late March (the trip is mid February). I will need to do a lot of training to be ready for that, and I don’t want a trip throwing off my exercise routine and healthy eating habits. Plus the cost does increase with Bryce not going since it’d be 4 people instead of 5, and joint costs like the AirBnB are split 4 ways instead of 5. I can afford it, but I also need to be saving money since I’ll be buying a house as soon as I return from basic training and tech school.
This trip just doesn’t seem worth it to me with all that I have going on, and it doesn’t seem like it’d be all that fun. AITA if I back out of the trip?
I will also mention that we have not yet booked a BnB or spent any money at all for the trip. The most that’s been done is people requesting a day off from their jobs.
Edit to say that the PDA actions themselves may be normal, but they are still in the honeymoon phase and the amount of PDA is excessive. Meaning that it is like every second when you’re around them that they are all over each other. And maybe if you were raised around that, it’d be nbd. But for me, I’m very much not used to it.
It’s ok to say no to anything you don’t want to do. Even if you already said you would. Especially, if going would make you feel uncomfortable. We spend too much of our lives trying to make others happy at the neglect of our own happiness. Do what is best for you. It is ok to put yourself first.
Never.
Taking your own circumstances and doing what you feel is best is never a bad thing.
If they’re your friends. They’ll understand.
NTA.
You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but slight YTA for your reasoning which is quite a stretch. There’s still going to be a fourth person on the trip, so you’re not a third wheel.
YTA – To be clear, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want. But backing out of your friend’s birthday trip that you’ve agreed on going to just because a particular other person isn’t going and you think your friend will be too couply (what you described didn’t even sound over the top) is an asshole move in my opinion.
YTA- you should show up for your friend’s birthday like you said you would. You are doing a lot of mental gymnastics to think of reasons not to go but you said you would so you should. It would be different if you really couldn’t afford it
NTA because no money has been spent yet. But I’m not following your logic. Why does Bryce dropping out change anything when Makayla is still going? Tommy and Tammy were still a couple before Bryce dropped out. Was Bryce somehow going to block your view of, per your description, very light PDA? Is there some history between you and Tommy/Tammy that makes this situation particularly uncomfortable? “My parents didn’t do this so I’m uncomfortable” is valid if it’s the truth. How you feel is how you feel but that’s seems like a stretch.
My parents not showing PDA is very much true, and I think me not being around that is a huge reason why I feel the way I do.
I was hesitant about the trip from the beginning, but it was originally gonna be us 5 plus another married couple (this couple shows nearly no PDA) and their baby. The couple backed out about a week ago, then Bryce backed out today.
So when I initially agreed to the trip, I thought there would be a lot bigger of a buffer than there is now. And when I say buffer, I just mean that if I’m around Tammy and Tommy and their PDA is making me uncomfortable, I can kinda separate and talk to my other friends to kinda get away from it. But I can’t do that if it’s just the couple, me, and one other. So Bryce backing out was kinda the straw that broke the camel’s back.
And I edited the post – the PDA is not light when it is *constant*, even if the actions themselves aren’t crazy, imo
Likely YTA from Tammy and Tommy’s perspective. However, the reality is that sometimes, we are the assholes in other people’s stories, and that’s ok. A question is though-how important these friendships are to you, do you imagine them being longterm? If yes, maybe you could consider a third option-try letting them in to your real reason. Share with them your fears, your comfort level around PDA etc. Who knows, maybe they grew up in similar households to yours and can relate, even if they behave differently? Maybe they’re willing to tone it down around you? People can’t help you when they don’t know what’s going on. But it all really depends on how you phrase it so they don’t feel attacked or judged. At the end of the day, moments where we are the asshole and our biggest triggers can be our huge opportunities for growth and connection.