I (25F) was supposed to go to my parents house for Christmas morning breakfast. My sister (32F), her husband, and her 3 kids were also going. My brother (29M) is married with 4 kids. My parents are hosting (Mom 50, Dad 51).
Over the past year, my sister in laws family moved from about 12 hours away to 10 minutes away. Like…everyone. Parents, siblings, grandparents all of them. Since then my brother and his wife spend a ton of time with her family. We constantly hear about dinners, birthdays, and random get togethers at their house with her side.
Meanwhile my side of the family (me, my sister, and sometimes even my parents) are not really talked to much anymore. We’re rarely invited to things with the kids or plan get togethers anymore. And genuinely the last time me and my fiancé stopped by their house. We both got the very distinct sense we were unwelcome and almost intruding. I thought maybe I was being a really sensitive until my fiancé brought it up as soon as we got in the car.
I want to be clear I don’t resent her family time at all. I’m glad she has support, especially since she’s a SAHM and the rest of us work. We’ve helped plenty in the past with emergencies, watching the kids, even taken PTO to help, set up for birthday parties, etc. but it’s been really helpful for them to have family who’s more available.
Recently all of his in laws were invited to his stepdaughter’s baptism, down to her siblings spouses.None of us were invited. We weren’t even told it was happening. This wasn’t a one off thing. just the most recent thing where me and my sister are hurt and unlike every time I’ve talked to my sister about things like this I cannot excuse it away.
We get left on delivered a lot when try to plan things with their kids and them. We’ve ask about doing things with the kids like trick or treating together, kid friendly New Year’s plan for after Christmas stuff, etc and get 0 response. Just straight left on delivered by both of them .
I asked SEVEN TIMES for the kids’ Christmas lists and after a few lukewarm responses never got them. It honestly feels like we have to beg to be included, and it’s exhausting. And very different than how all of us have ever been for the past 10 years.
I privately told my brother that the lack of involvement this year has been painful and that it makes it feel like our side of the family isn’t really wanted in his or kids’ lives anymore.
His response was polite but tbh a super weird basically non answer. With no apology or like explanation as to why we were not invited whatsoever.
When I talked to my mom about it, she told my sister and me that we were being ridiculous and needed to “get over it,” and said stuff like “that’s just how he is.” And “he just doesn’t think about stuff like that”
At that point, my sister and I were just done. We decided we don’t want to go to Christmas morning this year. We just don’t feel like showing up and potentially having hurt feeling spilling over in front of the kids.
* edited for clarity after a bunch of similar comments
So AITA for canceling Christmas?
Why don’t you guys just start traditions without him? Why do you need to focus so much on his lack of attendance? I get that it hurts but it seems like he’s set on what his priorities are and he’s an adult there’s nothing you can do to change that. They probably love you guys fawning over them so much. Stop inviting, stop group messaging, start making your own traditions and watch them probably start to get upset. That’s all you can do really though is move on
NAH
INFO: just for clarification … your issue is that you don’t get included, but now that you’re invited to something with them, you don’t want to go?
They don’t want their feeling hurt any worse than they’ve already been. The potential is there. They’re being cautious. I’m not sure if you’re being obtuse on purpose or not. But that’s the clarification. Self preservation
If I understand this correctly, by ‘cancelling Christmas’ you mean you and your sister have both agreed not to go to your parents’ house for Christmas, so that you don’t have to see you brother, with whom you are feuding.
I’m not really sure why you want punish your parents – or yourselves – over this matter.
Further, is this not the type of opportunity you’re talking about being sad that you no longer have? Ie a chance to see and spend time with his family?
If the situation with your bro is that you can’t stand to see him right now, what you should probably do is make sure to visit and have a nice time with your parents and sister at another point in the day, or on Christmas Eve. Again, don’t punish your parents over this.
But sitting out the thing that you actually want feels like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Only you can know if that actually helps things or not – to not see him. Maybe you need to do this to make a point to him but it might just validate his / his wife’s thinking.
I’ll go YWBTA if you ruin Christmas for your parents over this, by not coming up with an equivalent alternative plan for them. But NTA for not wanting to see your brother right now, after the hurt he has caused (it doesn’t strike me as productive, but also not AHish of you).
Oh, for clarity me and my family are going to go do presents with my parents before they get there. And then go to my sister’s for lunch where my parents are going to meet us later. The very last thing we wanna do is exclude my parents from any of their grandkids. So we have it set up to where they’ll see all the kids on that day just not at the same time and I’m gonna go spend the afternoon with my sister.
This sounds like a perfect solution and if your brother questions it I’d suggest telling him you could discuss it more after the holidays.
Sounds as if the situation is well in hand then. Enjoy the holidays and revisit the issue with your brother in the new year. If as your mom says this is how he is it’s his loss no need to make it yours.
Happy holidays.
Ah…ok. This should’ve been part of the post. Sounds like it’s worked out. If brother wonders why you and sis aren’t there, I’m guessing he’ll know why.
I’ve read a bunch of posts where the husband is expected to prioritize his wife over his parents/family or he’s an AH if he doesn’t. I wonder if this might be one of those situations and the one at fault is his wife and he’s stuck in a situation he doesn’t want be in and never asked for and knows he’s hurting you guys but he has to prioritize his own family for peace. Of course, I could be entirely wrong about this, but I wonder if your folks know a little more than you do because, to me, their response was another way to tell you to just drop it. At any rate, try to be grateful for what you have, not bitter for what you don’t have. You’ll be more at peace that way.
NTA for how you feel about your brother and SIL, but be prepared for your mom’s hurt feelings.
If it were me, I’d probably go to the breakfast and leave as soon as I helped mom clean up. I’d also stop texting your brother and trying to include them in anything.
In my opinion, you and your sister are TA. You are going to be punishing your parents because you are upset with your brother. That isn’t fair to your parents.
YTA
Why would hurt feelings spill over in front of the kids Christmas morning? You know he and his wife will choose to be with her family, so no surprise there.
Wouldn’t the children be more hurt by having no shared Christmas morning? Cutting out grandparents?
Plan your own Christmas morning with your parents and sister. You don’t require his attendance to have a warm, family morning. Stop hounding your brother and SIL. They’re adults and get to make their own choices for their family whether you agree or not.
YTA.
You’re not hosting Christmas, you’re not cancelling anything. This is just not showing up for the invite. Why are your parents losing out on time with the rest of their grandkids because *you and your sister* are hurt by your brother’s actions? These grandparents have nothing to do with the drama.
So just to get this straight – this is your chance to spend part of Christmas with your nieces/nephews – the exact thing you claim you’ve been missing out on? And you’re going to cancel to prove what point exactly?You not attending would only show that you have no real interest in them and that your brother and SIL are justified in not inviting you to attend other events with their kids. Plus you’re stiffing your own parents? YTA. What are you? 12?
So your parents aren’t doing anything that bothers you, your brother and sister-in-law are, so you’re going to punish your parents by not going to their house to visit with them? This is entirely counterproductive. You’re angry about being left out but not taking the time to enjoy the family you DO have around.
Your parents can’t change your brother and neither can you. But why forgo time with your sister and her family and your parents instead of pouting at home? Every family on earth has people they wish were there and aren’t for one reason or another. But why not celebrate with those who DO choose to actively be in your life? The alternative is everyone is unhappy… except your brother.
YTA if you let a single family member’s absence dictate what the rest of your family does.