hi guys,
my roommate (19F) and I (19f) are really good friends. We spend most of our time together. Even at home and outside. Our friends are the same. We’re the closest in the friend group. We make plans EVERYDAY. Basically, we’re best friends! Or that’s what I thought…
My roommate does this thing where sometimes she talks to her friends using google translate. It’s just smth they do for fun, to learn new languages and gossip. One day they decided on using german…
While I’m not FIRE at it, I do understand a lot of it. I learnt it in school for over 5 years. It never came up though so she didn’t know that I could understand almost everything.
I heard her say things like, “she talks too much” “she likes to go shopping all the time” “idk how to tell her that I don’t wanna do spring break with her”
That crushed me. While she didn’t say anything problematic, this did hurt my feelings only bcs we’re actually really close. It’s not in my head. We talk and gossip and laugh and sing. We plan on getting an apartment together next year too!
After hearing the spring break thing, I cancelled my tickets to Puerto Rico. We were going together. I told her smth last min came up with family and naturally she was upset bcs of it. The trip is in 10 days.
I understand that my decision was extremely rash and it’s put her in a weird position BUT FYI everything is refundable, she doesn’t have to pay extra bcs of me. Also, I was super hurt in the moment. She’s mad at me however, not knowing that I understood everything that she said.
Idk what to do anymore. Am I the problem? Or was this okay?
**UPDATE!!!!**
**this is how our text exchange went**
**Me: hey, I know you’re upset about me cancelling. I wanted to let you know that i understand german, lied to you. It wasn’t a fam thing, i just heard you say things about me and that you didn’t wanna go on the trip w me and i decided to cancel it. I’m sorry i lied about it but I haven’t changed my mind about the trip.**
**Her: are you being serious right now?**
**i can’t believe you overheard the entire convo and didn’t stop to Imk you understood everything i was saying. i feel so violated rn.**
**i didn’t say anything about you. you’re german’s just poor. only said you shop too much lol. anyway i’m glad you cancelled. not feeling the trip anymore. no need to renew the lease. gosh**
**your\***
I’m sorry. That stinks.
Talk to her. Say you heard and understand her say those hurtful things.
You need to figure out if you should even be roommates in the future.
It is hard to spend 24 hours a day with someone and remain friends.
NTA
NTA.
You need to tell her you cancelled because you overheard her badmouthing you.
Because right now it makes you seem like the one who is flaking on plans.
She’ll have no leg to stand on when it comes to holding a grudge if you tell her why you cancelled.
YTA. Put on your Big Girl pants and tell her what you heard, how it hurt you, and why you cancelled the trip. Continuing to pretend to be “Best Friends” is only going to backfire when the truth comes out — and it will.
NTA- you should tell her why you cancelled, but it’s ultimately your choice.
Tell her the truth otherwise you look like the ass and she’s gonna let everyone know it lol especially if she finds out you don’t actually have anything that came up soooo sit her down and just say “look I want to tell you the full truth as to why I am no longer going on the trip with you. So I know you and your other friends like to talk using Google Translate and talk in different languages and that’s fine but I think you should know that I actually understand German…” let that sink in and she will understand and feel stupid. BUT DO NOOOOTTTT LET THINGS STAY AS THEY ARE. You look like the asshole rn and that needs to change cause you have a right to be upset and cancel but not with a lie that makes you look bad
Hey, I’m going to say this kindly because you’re young and people here are probably going to be pretty harsh with you.
What you did was wrong, but it’s also the kind of mistake people make when they’re still learning how to deal with conflict. The main issue isn’t even that you canceled the trip, it’s how you handled it.
If you heard something that hurt you, the right thing to do would have been to talk to her directly. Something like: “Hey, I heard you saying that you didn’t really want to go on the trip with me. That hurt, and honestly now I’m not sure I want to go either. Maybe we should just cancel the trip if neither of us actually wants to travel together.”
That would have been honest and mature. And if the conversation had turned into both of you deciding you still wanted to go, that would have been fine too.
But lying about the reason you canceled just makes the whole situation worse. It creates more distrust and turns a hurt moment into a bigger problem than it needed to be.
You’re 19. This is the age when people learn that avoiding uncomfortable conversations usually causes more damage than just having them.
I would try to fix it if I were you. If you still care about the friendship at all, be honest now. Tell her you overheard what she said, admit that you handled it badly, and apologize for lying. Even if the friendship doesn’t recover, you’ll at least have handled the situation with more maturity than before
YTA for not telling her the truth. Your deciding you don’t want to vacation with her is a natural consequence of her actions; why would you shield her from that?
Tell her you know what she said about you! Bonus boss points if you tell her in German.
You should say “I lied, there is no family thing, I just thought I would make it easier for you because I heard what you said about Spring Break. I hope you find someone you would rather go with” in German to her.
NTA
Tell her you understand German and were hurt by what she said. Tell her this is why you cancelled the trip and see where you go from there.
Based on her reaction and subsequent behaviour, decide if you are going to remain friends or not.
Anyway, I wouldn’t want to be her roommate ever again.
I would also question the friend group: why are they comfortable hearing her badmouth you?
ESH. She shouldn’t have talked about you but you should have just been honest about why you cancelled. Now in the group of friends it also looks like you’re the bad guy.
Her response lacks any accountability. She doesn’t sound like a friend.
She feels violated. She was talking about you behind your purposely in a different langauge. RME.
She’s not a friend.
NTA
NTA
drop this person ASAP.
This way of not taking accountability and deflecting to you being bad because you happened to hear her dunk on you should tell you why she switches languages to keep her gossip from you.
This is a classic case of her being two-faced. She’s taking advantage of you. It’s like one of those in school class friends people have. You’re only a friend until we’re out of the classroom, then want nothing to do with you otherwise.
So she switched to a other language to talk shit and she feels violated that you understood her? She’s not your friend. Go find other friends NTA