I (F24) am, unfortunately, a very flakey person when it comes to plans. I have endometriosis and it flares up often and isn’t managed well by medice at the moment, and this means I struggle to stick to plans roughly 50% of the time.
I have some close friends who are very aware of this. I’ve always been clear, I never let plans rely on me attending or not attending and I don’t LIKE that I cancel often. I hate missing out on time with my friends and I always feel really guilty about it.
In the past, these friends have made me feel guilty and upset on occasions that I’ve canceled, but I’ve brushed off as them being understandably upset. There have also been a few occasions where I’ve felt like they’ve dismissed my pain or acted like I’m overreacting, but again, I’ve never addressed this because they genuinely don’t know what its like and I always just assumed it came from misunderstanding the condition. I’m fairly used to that reaction from people in general.
We had plans to get food yesterday evening (no special occasions etc., and there were a few people going so the plans didn’t rely on me). I had a bad flare up and hard day in work and was exhausted. Between the pain and fatigue, I decided I couldn’t attend and enjoy the evening, and I would likely just cause myself more pain. Around 3 hours before the meal, I messaged friends to let them know I couldn’t make it, and explained why. The rest of the group went ahead with the plans, and they seemed to have a good time.
This morning, one of my friends messaged to say they were really annoyed with me cancelling all the time, and said that I was clearly showing how little their friendship meant to me. The message was quite long and talked about how I’m always making excuses.
I don’t know how to respond, cancelling on friends is awful, and I hate it too. I can see why it may be upsetting to them. But I’ve always been clear that this might happen and why. I feel upset that they have had this response, despite knowing how much this chronic condition can take over my life, and how much it gets to me. AITA here?
NTA, your condition isn’t under control, you can’t help having to cancel. Yes, it’s frustrating for other people but you aren’t doing it on purpose and it really isn’t a reflection of how much you value them. You’re not blowing them off to do something better with someone else, you’re blowing them off to writhe in pain alone for a few hours! That’s not exactly fun!
NTA, but as another chronically ill person (bad back – really bad back), that’s just how it’s going to be. People get annoyed when you can’t go out or can’t commit. It doesn’t matter that you’re having issues. They feel like you don’t prioritize them and, honestly?
They can’t relate with what you’re going through. There’s only so far empathy can stretch for a lot of people and that’s life.
Focus on your health for the moment because that’s what you need to do.
NTA at all. I ended a friendship over 30 years old because of my husband’s chronic health condition. During Covid I was constantly talking about mask safety. They decided to unfriend me on Facebook so they wouldn’t have to see it because they didn’t agree with wearing masks. And these ladies are in the health profession. After it was all over they requested me like nothing happened. I blocked them and barely acknowledge them in public. My husband and his health issues are more important than their stupidity.
NTA. Twenty years of severe endo, and yeah, you just can’t make firm plans. You don’t know. It took me 5 years of being symptom free to realise i could safely rsvp to stuff.
I did lose friends. But honestly, it comes down to “friends who give you shit about having a chronic illness are not friends you want when you have a chronic illness”.
The only thing I can suggest is to be really frank about how ill you are and why. The period stigma of endo can stop us sharing how ill we are, so some people who would be sympathetic just don’t know enough.
Also, try the nuvaring.
Unfortunately non disabled people rarely understand or have any empathy for these situations. They think you should just pop some asprin and feel better for a couple of hours so you can hang out. You need better friends.
I almost never even bother making plans anymore because I never know how I will feel on any given day. It’s easier to just call someone on a good day and try to see if they can hang out. I do try my best to go to holiday type things with my family.
But those couple days per year are the only ones I might “push through” so to speak because it’s really not sustainable to do that all the time. If you want to keep these friends maybe send them some information on spoon theory? If they pull their heads out of their asses, great, if not, well, they kinda already suck.
NAH Your friends are allowed to be annoyed if you cancel plans last minute, and you absolutely should not come if you’re in pain. The only fair solution is to ask your friends not to make plans around you; if they want you to join, they can give you a heads-up in advance so you can text whether you’re coming. It may affect your friendship (they might stop inviting you anyway), but health comes first.
Isn’t OP already doing this? She said she doesn’t make plans that rely on her, only group plans. So no one is planning around her.
I don’t want to guess, but according to the post they may see her getting excited about a meeting and then bailing out. It’s not OP’s fault, of course. In a perfect world, friends could be more understanding and caring. But we live where we live. It’s a well-known fact that even medical professionals tend to dismiss, underestimate, or downplay women’s health problems – and this is a group of young, not very experienced, and probably more or less healthy people. If she cancels often, they will be annoyed.
This is a hard one for me because to some extent, I get both viewpoints. But I think some of your friends are being antagonistic in their disappointment.
So, I don’t remember the exact number, but I listened to a specialist the other day discussing endometriosis vs. malignant tumors. Malignant tumors are characterized by like, 5 or 6 traits. These involve things like interrupting cellular signals, cell reproduction, malignant cells not dying when they should, and a few other things. Of those, endometriosis meets all but one or two traits. And those are the ONLY two little differentiation points between endometriosis and malignant cancer. Additionally, it is painful, unpredictable, and unlike many other types of cancer, it isn’t quiet in its symptoms. So staying home and not overexerting yourself makes sense.
That said… it can also be really, really hard being the friend who is always left hanging. Even if it is a group, if the person you were hoping to spend time with that night drops out and it happens a lot, its really disheartening.
Given some of the comments they’ve made to you, you may want to really consider any future value these friendships might hold for you. But if you want to keep them, then its time to start considering alternative ideas for spending time together that wouldn’t aggravate your flare ups. Girls’ night in, home spa night, whatever. But try to develop backup plans that your group would be down for, and that work for you. Because it might help you save your friendships. I’m gonna go with NTA here, but in addition to everything I just said, you really need to get back to your doctor because it won’t get better on its own. Please take care of yourself and nurture the friendships that are healthy for you.
NAH. As a fellow chronic illness girlie, I feel you. But stop agreeing to plans after work. You know that work wipes you out and that you very likely just can’t. When they want to go out after work, just say no right off the bat. Having your friend say no is disappointing, but not nearly as annoying as having them cancel the same day. Suggest Sunday brunch so that you can be well rested and more likely to be in a good place to go out & see them. Or any other weekend activity that you all enjoy. Don’t wait for them to organize it, look at the pattern of your illness and figure out what you CAN do, then ask them to join you.
Also to add, invite friends over for game/movie/craft nights at home, order takeout and relax with them.
are you open and communicative? do you typically cancel at the last minute? i think you absolutely wouldn’t be an asshole for cancelling when you’re not well. but you would be the asshole if you’re constantly making plans and not communicating up until 2 mins before you’re meant to show up and then saying you aren’t going.
When was the last time you were able to make it to plans? How often do you cancel/how often do you make it to things? Are there certain days you’re more likely to not be able to make it (the example you gave was after a day of work – are days off better bets?) and do you take that into consideration when discussing plans? More just trying to level set here of what perspective your friends are coming from
Even when friends know/have been told what’s going on, that doesn’t necessarily make it hurt less to have someone that keeps canceling day of (and when they don’t experience what you’re going through it’s really hard to understand) because they are still humans with emotions – and being rational is easier said than done!
I don’t think you’re the asshole, but I also don’t think it was necessarily wrong of your friend to come to you with their feelings – to me that says they still care about you and want to salvage the friendship because if they didn’t they would have just stopped communicating with you at all. I’d also caution to make sure you’re putting the right tone into the message – it can be easy when you’re feeling attacked or vulnerable (if perhaps you’ve been worried that your friends are getting “fed up” with you) to assume people mean the worst, when they could be trying to be as clear as possible to effectively communicate and have a good conversation. I’m not saying that’s for sure the case here, but something to keep in mind
Are there days or events you might be more likely to attend? Is inviting people to your place more likely to be successful? Your relationships with your friends needs some healing if you want to keep them (but it’s also okay if your level of hurt means you don’t want to/feel like you need to not have the stress in your life)
I hope for your own sake/comfort/sanity you and your doc figure out a way to manage this. I’ve had friends with endo who have ultimately had surgery to remove the tissue and finally had some relief (and another who actually ended up diagnosed with Adenomyosis) so I know it’s not a walk in the park.
NAH: But perhaps try something different. Instead of making plans and then cancelling and telling everyone why can’t make it; try letting them know you will try to make it and will let them know the day of if you are coming. That way they aren’t really expecting you but if you text them that day that you can make it and look forward to seeing them, it will land better.
The way you currently are doing it is you are saying you will be there and 50% of the time you cancel. And then tell them (again) about your condition. You are putting them in the position where they need to reassure you that everything is okay and express sympathy about your condition. That can get exhausting for your friends.