Just recently my boyfriend (let’s call him Mike) (19) proposed to me (17F). I love this person very much and was incredibly happy, so I said yes. I’ve always had a strained relationship with my mother (37) because she’s still psychologically dependent on my grandmother, which I don’t like. I’ve been trying to help her, and recently it’s paid off. Our relationship has improved, and I was very happy.
Get to the point. The problem is that Mike is from another country (we met while playing in a group), and we can’t see each other even every weekend. He came to visit me in the winter, and it was wonderful. The first thing I did was introduce him to my mom, and she was more than supportive of my choice. It was a relief to me, because my family has quite racist views (Mike is Asian).
On the day of Mike’s departure, we discussed the possibility of me visiting his country to see the big city, meet his parents, and so on. My mother said she was open to the idea and would help pay for the tickets. This was a conversation that lasted more than a day: we discussed dates, options, documents (by law, both my parents must sign consent forms to leave the country; my parents are divorced), and much more. I had to personally resolve the issue with my father, as my mother didn’t want to get involved with him at all (I had to persuade her for a long time to let me write to my father).
Yesterday, I discussed with my father his visit to a notary to have his consent notarized. I shared every necessary detail with my mother, and everything was going well until I told her that my father needed my birth certificate to process the documents. After that, she called and suddenly started yelling, which was surprising. I was stunned and didn’t know what to say when my mother bluntly said I wasn’t going anywhere and she wouldn’t process my consent. She came up with a bunch of reasons, which I didn’t even listen to anymore because my head was in disarray. Mom had done this before and had pulled it off many times, but I was hoping that THIS TIME, since it was a serious matter, she would do something different. Well, my hopes were dashed.
I suspect my grandmother was the reason again, knowing about my plans and saying something to my mother again, but I don’t think that excuses her. At almost 40, she can make her own decisions without my grandmother’s advice, which means she made her own choice.
Right now I don’t want to talk to any of my parents or family except my cousins, I’m going to block my mom and find a part-time job so I don’t have to depend on her financially, but my friends and Mike are telling me to cool it and talk to my mom anyway. Now she is blocked everywhere except one messenger, but my conscience gnaws at me and my friends’ words do not give me peace. So AITA, Reddit?
UPDATE:
Thank you for your comments, both supportive and critical. After reading the thread, I calmed down a bit and decided to talk to my mom. Honestly? Things aren’t going very smoothly. But from her words I understand that the problem is most likely money (not only money, but that is more of a priority). We’ll continue our conversation in the evening, but I don’t know if I’ll write an update.
I will also respond to some comments:
1) No, I’m not rushing headlong to the registry office with him, please. He and I understand that this is serious and want to register the marriage when I graduate from college (I’ll be 19-20). If something goes wrong before that time, we’ll just break up, without any paperwork or anything else.
2) Yes, teenage maximalism probably played a role here. Thanks to the commenters for their advice. I won’t cut off all ties with my mother, but I’ll definitely be communicating less often; there’s no way to change my mind about that.
3) I’m more angry not because my mother didn’t let me go, but because she lied again. She’s done this before, I just hoped it would be different this time. And no, she doesn’t want me to go even with her, even if everything is under her control. I would have understood right away if she had told me from the very beginning that the trip was impossible, but not after the promises and the things we did.
Thank you for your comments. ❤️
Oh no… getting engaged this young is really bad for your growth especially in those situations. please don’t continue this
For some perspective, I’m 24, been with someone 4 years, and we’re unengaged because we have too many mental issues for it to definitively work yet. You are jumping from one boiling pot into a hotter boiling pot 🙁
YTA, you’re seventeen. I have no clue why your mother is switching from yes to no quite suddenly but getting married when you’re so young is in general a really bad idea.
Am I also correctly making out that you only met his parents after you said yes? You should really pump the brakes.
I’ll bite.
Info: Have you ever seen your birth certificate and is there any way it doesn’t list your father on it?
Where to start…
You are too young to travel to another country for a romantic relationship. There are loads of risks with this.
You are too young to be engaged.
You haven’t spent enough time together in person to really know him.
Your mother doesn’t want your father to see/have your birth certificate- you need to reflect on that more for a good reason why.
Listen to your friends – they know you better than we can from this post – if they are concerned, take that seriously.
Everyone thinks they know themselves and what they want from life at 17. Very few people at 30 want what their 17 yo self did.
im just thinking. 17? going abroad? this sounds like either an abusive relationship waiting to happen (if not already) or like youre not coming back 😬
Girl depends on the Asian country… if it’s one like Japan, go ahead, but if it’s one like India be careful. Don’t call me racist when it’s the facts and women are treated so differently in these countries.
I wouldn’t let my daughter be engaged at 17 either. My cousin is 17 and she’s just a child yet😭
girl… you’re 17 and in a long distance relationship, and you’re accepting a proposal??
NAH, and what you should be doing is **asking your mom to fly with you to go meet him and his parents.** Having said that …
Respectfully, you are too young to get married.
Respectfully, your boyfriend is too young to get married.
Who you are at 17 is not the person you will be when you are 20 or even 25; we tend to be pretty settled in who we are at some point between 25 and 30. The same is true of your boyfriend. Nothing wrong with dating, getting to know each other *over time,* and enjoying the fun that is teenage romance but right now, **he is an adult in a different country and you are a minor;** your mother *and* your grandmother are right to be concerned.
Respectfully, you have NO IDEA AT ALL what you are getting yourself into. Frankly, the same is true of your boyfriend.
Your mother is *absolutely right* to have concerns, but I do think she could have *and should have* handled this better. A 17 year old girl flying alone to another country to meet up with a boy and his supposed parents sounds *exactly* like a setup for human trafficking.
I have been to one too many funerals for 17 year old girls who thought it was a good idea to run off and hook up with some guy they met online. Please don’t be one of those girls.
NAH.
At face value, NTA. But, I think you should seriously reconsider this marriage. Why not wait until you 1 – live in the same country, 2 – are old enough you don’t need a parent’s consent, and 3 – know you can co-habitate well?
Ps, my mom was almost yours – her mom and grandma were co-dependent and after her grandma died her mom expected my mom to become co-dependent with her. Fortunately, my dad saw what was happening and moved her and my older siblings to another state as soon as he could.
NAH. You’re young so it’s always going to feel like she’s doing this just to spite you but I’d absolutely never let my underage child fly to another country by herself to meet a man I’ve only met once. Honestly, you haven’t spent enough time with him to be getting married.
ESH?
Getting engaged at 17 and travelling abroad? Yeah no, chances are you’ll be stuck in the other country.
Mom not wanting to give dad certain documents is normal. Depending on what is on those documents shit can be done. There is no real reason your dad would need your birth certificate, reflect on that.
A simple document stating he gives you permission was enough.
Mom cancelled everything because your dad requested things beyond what he should have needed.
NTA for being hurt and putting up a boundary, but be smart about it. You’re 17, legally stuck dealing with her, and she clearly lets your grandma steer the ship, so full scorched earth is just gonna make your life harder.
Cool off, keep her unblocked somewhere, and start working on financial independence so that once you are 18 you never have to let her hold travel or relationships over your head again.
There are a few things going on. You’re 17, and in a relationship where you don’t see your partner very often, this is not the basis for an engagement. I wonder if your mother presumed that your father wouldn’t give permission but once he asked for the birth certificate she realised he would so she withdrew hers?