I (F22) was out with my best friend (F22) recently when a couple walked past us. Once they were out of earshot, I mentioned to my friend how pretty the girl was. We kept talking, and I mentioned that sometimes in my engineering classes, I see girls who are insanely pretty and I think, "Damn, you could be a model/actress. If I looked like you, I would NOT be doing engineering lol."
My friend stopped me and said, "You know, you comment on people’s appearances so much." When I asked her to elaborate, she said I put too much value on what people look like and that I notice it way too much.
For some background: I was NOT cute in middle school and was bullied for it. I got a bit better in high school and I’m in university now, and I’m pretty confident in my appearance. But I think because I had that period of being very insecure, I now put a lot of pressure on myself to look a certain way, and I’m hyper-aware of how others look too.
When I comment on people’s appearances, it’s NEVER negatively. It’s only when a part of someone’s appearance catches my eye that I compliment them, or just mention it in passing to my friends. And it’s not about ranking them against me, it’s just acknowledging someone beautiful.
So, when my friend said that, I did feel a bit confused/hurt? I told her that I only ever say positive things, but she argued that by constantly pointing out ‘pretty’ people, I’m inadvertently reinforcing the idea that beauty is the most important thing about a person. I offered to stop doing it around her if it bothered her, but she said that wasn’t the point.
I also ended up talking to my mom about this, and she took issue with the "engineering" comment. She said that what matters isn’t what a person looks like, but what they give to society. She basically said that being an engineer is "better" because you’re actually helping people, whereas models or actresses don’t add anything.
I disagreed with her. I pointed out that people in the media industry often use their platforms for good, like how Mark Ruffalo is more outspoken about Palestine than many people I know personally. Meanwhile, there are plenty of engineers who don’t contribute anything positive to society at all. My point was simply that if you have model-tier looks, you have access to a different kind of influence and a different career path that isn’t as hard (and depressing lol) as engineering.
So, my friend thinks I’m shallow/obsessed with looks. My mom thinks I’m devaluing my own profession and overvaluing fame and beauty.
I don’t think being pretty makes you ‘better’ than anyone, but it obviously changes how you move through the world and how the world treats you.
AITA for having this mindset and frequently commenting on people’s appearances?
YTA. YTA. YTA. That engineering comment was infuriating to a female engineer in a field where women have to fight to be accepted for their knowledge and talents. “Oh honey you’re too cute to be an engineer” – one of my professors
“Whats a girl like you doing In a job like this” – former coworker
I have a million similar examples and I’m average in looks. Imagine how frustrating it is for the truly lovely ones! The last thing we need is for our expertise to be undermined by other women! I’m still as mad as I was when I first read it.
YTA.
You’re valuing people’s looks above anything else, seeing worth tied to physical appearance, and also constantly objectifying people. These types of attitudes are incredibly harmful, both to people who do not fit the stereotypical view of beauty, and also to people who do. As you yourself have experienced, those who do not fit the stereotypical view are often treated negatively. But those who do often face an uphill battle to be seen as anything beyond their looks.
I can imagine it is very uncomfortable for your friend, who probably feels judged by it. One of the ways women actually often support each other is to always tell our friends they look amazing/stunning/great. *Always*, regardless of whether any of us actually meets the supposed objective standard. It’s a way of propping each other up and helping us get through a world that is actually quite awful to women based on appearance by giving confidence and reminding ourselves that we are all beautiful. What you’re doing, whether you realise it or not, is tearing women down, by participating in the damaging and unhealthy rhetoric on beauty. I imagine that is really unpleasant for your friends.
The fact that you are so focused on how women look is also sexist. I appreciate it comes from your own experiences, because of how you felt, but it’s still sexist to objectify women like this.
Don’t be the woman who hurts other women, by tying worth to beauty.
YTA. Engineer students work their ass off and to have them reduced to “You’re so pretty you should do something else” is incredibly insulting. You are valuing their looks over their passions and talents. Super shallow.
NTA it sounds like people are inferring too much, maybe give the compliments to the people instead of out of earshot.
Yta u have issues get some therapy. U seem to still be very insecure
YTA. your friend and your mom are right. i also think you’re stjll very insecure. secure people do not think the way you think.
YTA just based on the comment that if somebody is pretty they could model and not be an engineer. So attractive people should be modeling and not engineers? Hey, guess what? Just because someone is attractive doesn’t mean that they have to model. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Who cares what anybody looks like? If you think about it, that’s fine. But keep the comments to yourself.
i admit that the comment is a bit inappropriate but to clear smth up, i said that ‘if ***I*** looked like that, I’d rather do into modeling/acting.’ I never said that all people who are pretty should go become models lol. Also, I’ve thought this a couple times when I look at someone I find really pretty, but I’ve never said it to them because again, it would be insanely inappropriate to say. the only reason i told my friend about it is because i feel comfortable enough to share my thoughts with her, and I’m glad she feels comfortable enough to tell me whether something I say bothers her or not. I wouldn’t just say this to a random person I see.
NTA but maybe stop this behavior? Be more mindful of what comes out of your mouth?
YTA You see pretty females as people who should be making a living from their LOOKS rather than their brains. Just stop saying your thoughts out loud about all the pretty females you happen to see.
YTA. So very judgy about something that shouldn’t matter.
You sound very shallow OP.Given that you associate your behavior with past trauma I think you should seek out counseling .You believe that you were rejected when younger because of your looks.Maybe there was another cause ?
Your current approach to life will only lead to you being surrounded by other superficial people .Better to “nip that in the bud now “as the Old Ones say .