Sorry for any mistakes.
As forward as the title says.
We are currently on our exam session of Law and I have this friend doing the same study as me. We’ve both aced our first year and she had grades better than me and I think overall, she’s the better student.
Her big issue is that she stresses A LOT, whereas I am more relaxed. I try to reassure her and tell her that’s fine (as I genuinely believe it). The issue here is that she keeps complaining ALL THE TIME. In november, she was already complaining that she had too much to study and so on. No positivity, nothing. When I tried to tell her that everything’ll be fine, she told me that I couldn’t understand since I had 4 exams and her 6, or something along the lines (we have different options. With mine, I have a huge seminar with an essay of around 20/30 pages to do, lot of research, I spare you the details.
Anyway, one time she came complaining once again and I told her to stop acting like that and that complaining so much won’t help. She got pissed and I told her that I was honest with her and if she prefered for me to say anything else in these times, then she can tell me (which she didn’t)
We didn’t talk much for 2/3 weeks after this until I did, asking her a question, then we started talking in a more regular daily basis, and then again, she kept complaining about anything with the exam session incoming as we were studying, that it was too hard, that the teachers and assistants graded too harshly if you forgot anything.
At one point, I told her yet again "show a bit of optimism for Christ’ sake", because not only is it annoying and I think it only just makes her stress more, hearing only negativity while trying to stay optimistic and have a good mindset make it harder. She then proceeds to tell me "I can’t afford to fail, I’ve done everything right, it wouldn’t be fair", which sounded a bit arrogant, coming out in a way like *she* deserves to pass. I told her that throughout the whole session she hadn’t say a single optimistic thing, even when I pointed out multiples times that she knows things I don’t, that she works a lot and is a better student and that even if she fails, she can still take the exam again, there is no outside pressure. I said that I’m sorry for calling out and being honest as a friend wasn’t what she expected me and asked her yet again that if she’d prefer for me to just say dumb reassuring things all the time would be better. And in my experience with her, it just doesn’t because she keeps complaining until she passes at the end of the day.
Now, I assume she’s mad at me since I’m on delivered. So, AITA?
Update: I sent her a text to apologise for being too tactless and tell her that if the way she expressed herself helped her, then it was on me but it’s still tiring for me. I asked her what she expected whether just someone to talk to about it or genuine encouragements but if it doesn’t help her to complain then something had to change about it
NTA
Sadly, that’s how some people cope with stress sometimes. Or they like the attention it gives them. Or they just genuinely are a pessimistic person. Either way, you can’t really change her; people like that usually aren’t susceptible to reason. However, you can choose if you want to be around that or not, because it’s exhausting.
I will actually buck the trend here and go YTA – she is clearly just looking to vent and wants a supportive shoulder instead of more criticism, this helps some people cope with stress
I know and I get it, but it’s exhausting and it’s something that’s constant about it. I’m fine with supporting her but I just think there needs to be changes because it’s the same cycle over and over again
The way to do it then would be to acknowledge this straight out and state that while you appreciate her need to vent, you are the wrong guy to do it on
I am sure she has some other friends to help, and if she does not maybe as her friend you can also direct her to the professional help (usually run either by the dean’s office or the student union board, depending on your university)
Also you have to remember that not every student has the same difficulties… If I will rake myself as an example I inadvertently antagonised many lecturers due to a combination of my views, my autism and in general doing my research, and so I was many times subjected to treatment such as being kicked out of class and having my papers intentionally downgraded for the simple “crime” of stumping the lecturer
NTA. Lmao I used to be like this too but I still pass, I think it’s just because complaining about it, is actually kind of therapeutic (for me at least) it’s kind of my own way of making myself feel better if I verbalize my efforts to achieve something. However, I realize the harm it does to my own friends whenever I do this because we’re basically sharing the same space/energy, so when I’m anxious/stress they also become one too. Talking to her was a good move but it seemed to me she’s not mature enough to have a conversation properly which is not a good sign on anyone. She needs to work on communicating properly. You deserve your own peace, don’t let her issues become yours. Find a new friend lmao.
NTA but it was very tactlessly handled.
I’ve been in your position, in fact I’m usually in your position. I tend to be the “I’ve done what I can so now all I can do is relax and prepare for the outcome, grumbling helps nobody and nothing.”
I also have friends where actually rhe grumbling does help. It’s how their body discharges the stress. They don’t need my help when they do this, they need an audience.
It sounds like your friend doesn’t know that’s what she needs and got frustrated when you asked if there’s something else she’d prefer you say because she’s either unaware or embarrassed that she’s looking for your validation.
And for your part, you could do with learning how to tell specific people “I’m not in a place to soak up your emotional stress right now, can we talk about something else?” (I incidentally do not recommend these words.)
Even though your friend complains, I think she knows exactly what she is trying to accomplish and she doesn’t feel like she needs help.
What do you mean by that?
I’m leaning towards a gentle ESH – I’ve been around people like this and it’s exhausting to deal with. However if this is someone you want to stay friends with, you dealt with it tactlessly. It would probably have gone down better if you’d explained to her that her constant ranting is making things even more stressful for you, and although you understand the need to vent and can sympathise, it might be better if she finds a more ‘neutral’ party (ie someone on a different course, a family member etc).
ESH. Sometimes people just want to vent and school can be extremely stressful. Not everybody is looking for a solution or optimism and as hard as it can be sometimes you just need to listen.
It’s also draining talking to someone who never has anything positive to say and always seems to be having a terrible time. It might be worth taking a step back until the exam season passes because you both seem to be irritating the other. There’s also a chance you guys are just incompatible and it took stress to show it.
You are not compatible, that’s all. You are not her permanent life cheerleader and she should realize that not every conversation has to be about her latest stress issue.
NAH Just move on from each other.