My dad is late 80s and has had 2 strokes and is just slowing down. The stroke means he struggles walking more than 20 meters.
He drives once a week to town to drop off and then pick up my mom who has had 3 minor strokes, has a speech impediment, and gets tired very quickly.
I’ve convinced him to give up the car because I think the risk to reward ratio is high now. I don’t want him to hurt himself or someone else for the sake of organizing a taxi. The money isn’t an issue but he will generate about $5k and save a further $1k from not paying premiums.
Several other family members have told me that my problem solving mentality has ignored the emotional impact to my dad and mom. The car provides a perception of independence and the car could just sit in the drive.
To be clear, I’m not a parachute child. I visit at least weekly and often two or three times a week during holidays, call daily, organized their finances over the past couple of years so they are very sorted, and arranged some home help (originally against their wishes but now they wouldn’t be without it).
So, am AITA for pushing the sale of the car which is an emotional hook to past independence and probably signposts the last stage of their life against the casual wishes of other family members who don’t really do anything helpful on a regular basis. Clearly, I think it’s a sensible and obvious thing to do knowing that I’ll be the one to have to resolve any issues from accidents or even just getting rid of it later when it’s worth less from lack of use.
NTA. My mom recently went through this with my 83 year old father who is in the early stages of dementia (she’s 13 years younger). It was not easy but he does agree now that he shouldn’t be driving. At that age they no longer have the reaction time that would make driving safe.
My parents, then in their 80s, insisted that they were better drivers than young people, because they had more experience. But Mom had at least one accident where she was t-boned because she turned left in front of someone who “came out of nowhere.”
Here you have to get clearance for driving again anyways after the 3r s stroke. Chances are everyone is dafer w/o him driving. Not certain abt your town but if they have a decent bus system/public transport, they may have medical specific transport. In my town if you’re disabled its free, you have to give a weeks notice but they’ll pick up at your house drop you at appt and then take you back home
NTA. More people would benefit from not driving when they are not safe to do so.
The emotional blow from that feeling of loss of independence/freedom is understandable and why people often drive longer than they should. Also, they may not realize how impaired they are, so they need their friends/family to step in.
Hopefully you can make UBER or a car service become an extension of their freedom.
As for the people who have a lot to say, they usually are not the ones who are actively involved in helping. So they can be invited to help and if not, ignored.
Their is a point where declining health means it isn’t safe to drive, and it isn’t worth sacrificing safety for pride and independence, but you don’t want to give up the pride and independence before you have to.
I can’t judge because I don’t know how far along he is.
NTA good for you for having there backs on safety.
NTA
Emotional impact of killing somebody with his car would be greater than not driving once a week.
In my country a doctor’s note is required if a person over 80 wants to drive, and sometimes a special driving test by a certified inspector who specializes in determining if a person can actually observe traffic/control the vehicle, with video recording done, too. I don’t know who determines ”roadworthiness” of people in your country, but I suggest you find out and ask for advice. There should be some way to get someone to drive them, maybe there are volunteers or friends/neighbours who could help once a week or so, and for payment of course. Are there taxis available, uber?
NTA
It’s just not safe. Not safe for them or for anyone else on the road with them. They will either drive too fast for their reaction times or too slow and piss off any drivers behind them
I just had to give up my car and it isn’t easy. I’m now dependent on friends for rides or using delivery services for grocery and drug stores but… saving on car taxes, fees, insurance and repairs… so there are advantages
NTA. The emotional impact of a car accident would be MUCH worse than dad realizing it’s not safe for him to drive. You’re not the bad guy/girl here. Time is. Life is. You’re just the messenger.
Been through this twice recently.
My husband had pulmonary fibrosis, slowly getting worse. I suggested that he might need to think about not driving because of his shortness of oxygen (to the brain); his therapist thought this was unnecessary because he sits down to drive! He and I discussed it, and agreed that he was probably fine to drive to the few local places he frequented. It was three weeks later that he asked me to drive him just up the road. And that was the end of his driving.
My sister, on the other hand, has had increasing memory problems, she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, had a heart attack, and her dementia progressed fairly rapidly.
Family decided that she would be a hazard on the road, specialist doctors agreed (her GP couldn’t see the problem). We managed to postpone the inevitable by telling her that she couldn’t drive because of the heart attack.
Finally, we took her for a driving test, which she failed. She was furious with them and us because “…she has been a brilliant driver for 50 years…”. She still complains daily, but she most certainly should not drive.
I am her older sister (I am 82). The only reason I am not still driving is that I cannot load my wheelchair into the boot, nor can I walk from the boot to the driver’s seat.
Where i live, I can get a government taxi card; this means the government pays half the cost of my taxi.
You are having it hard
I wish you a happy Christmas.
NTA You’re being very sensible.
‘Several other family members have told me that my problem solving mentality has ignored the emotional impact to my dad and mom. The car provides a perception of independence and the car could just sit in the drive.’
No! No! No!
If the car is sitting in the drive, it’s a constant temptation to take it out ‘just this once’ for a small errand. We went through this with my father – I ended up with his car, and I still remember my stepmother telling me to take it and all the keys away as soon as possible before he decided to take one more drive. It’s much better to make a clean break.
NTA – my best friend had an elderly man crash into the side of the car whilst she was taking her practical driving test when she was waiting at some traffic lights. They ended up having to call the man’s son because he was so confused he didn’t even know where he was. Fortunately, no one was hurt (other than my friend’s bank account because she had to pay for a retest which is the biggest BS imo) but someone could have been. It shouldn’t take someone getting hurt for the message to be received. Someone’s pride and ego doesn’t take priority over someone else’s safety. Getting older and not being able to do certain things is just a fact of life. Living in denial helps no one.