I’m Chilean. I live in Denmark with my fiancée (she’s Danish). I don’t feel connected to her family at all. I told her I’m not gonna spend Christmas with them, she didn’t like that.
The reasons:
\- I’ve been experiencing massive burnout, I REALLY need some time off.
\- Just because of my presence, I create an awkward situation where I force people to switch to English. A lot of people don’t feel comfortable like this so they just switch back to danish. Overall, I’m just not part of the conversation because of the language barrier.
\- I need to buy 1 gift for each person, that’s like +12 gifts for people I don’t know, and I’m a bit broke tbh.
So, I just wanna spend Christmas alone at our apartment, while she’s there with her family.
But apparently, according to **everyone**, I’m an asshole.
Am I?
Question: What are you going to do once you’re married and events like this with her family will continue to be common occurrences for holidays and special events?
INFO: are you taking any steps toward learning Danish so you can be included in the conversations?
YTA
> I’ve been experiencing massive burnout, I REALLY need some time off.
This is your only valid issue, but even here. You could spend *some* time with your GF and her family. You don’t have to spend all of it.
And I’m sure you could do something cheap as a gift. I mean, couldn’t you just get them each an ornament? Or couldn’t the 2 of you do a gift together?
Yes where I’m from it would be normal for an engaged couple to give gifts from them both rather than each buying individual gifts from each person.
This! The cost for gf to add his name is zero. He can add a small gift for the host.
“Cheap” ornaments times 12 would still be easily over $100. Why do people try to say the equivalent of a week’s groceries is easy to spend? Oh, do I eat the week between Christmas and new years or do I go to watch people speak in a language I don’t understand?
Oh, the idea to spend part of the holiday with the family means more transportation costs (if driving with girlfriend, he could share the costs— if they travel alone, the cost is all theirs.
Why do people insist that someone else “isn’t that broke”. TBF, some people are so broke the idea of a library fine is terrifying. If you aren’t in that positive, be grateful, and shush.
Spending time with GF and her family =/= time off to recharge from burnout.
This stress thing is one-time; you aren’t doing it every year for that reason.
The language thing is trickier. You live there, you will be living there after you marry so you need to put in the effort now to learn conversational Danish.
It’s odd that adults are insisting that everyone gets a gift from everyone else. This is unnecessary expense and effort at a time of year when people are strained with both.
A little bit of you being inflexible plus a little bit of them being inhospitable = ESH
I think there are different ways to go about it, my bf when we do holiday in his side he’s getting the gift and vise versa for my side. There is the option to do something like a white elephant gift exchange. Also the only way to connect with someone is by giving them the chance and to actually be around them. Give it time especially if some of her family is trying to make the connection. Also just a thought, have you considered trying to learn some of her native language. If you guys decided to have kids she may want your kids to speak the language and it be a good binding experience I think for you.
NAH. I’m of the opinion that any invite is not a summons. You should be allowed to, politely, offer your regrets.
HOWEVER, you can expect your relationship to go absolutely nowhere until you (a) meet and deal inclusively with her family (as a South American, you should understand the importance of family) and (b) learn Danish. If you have no intention of doing either, you and she have a difficult decision to make.
NTA for not going, I guess, but based on the comments you’ve made, I’m pretty sure your fiancee is getting the same vibe the rest of us are, that she’s just a convenience to you and if your plans don’t come through you’ll be gone in a flash. You don’t sound committed at all, and refusing to spend the holiday with her family is just further proof of that.
So let me get this straight… you live with your fiancée in her country, where her family is all located, where the entire country speaks Danish, which her family also speaks on a regular basis at home and when they are together for holidays, and you are confused about why you’re being called the AH here?
You made the decision to move there and yet you seem to be expecting everyone else to accommodate your needs and make no effort whatsoever from your end? You are ‘forcing’ her family to speak english when you are there and then they end up switching back to Danish after a while, and that makes you feel excluded? Dude, why is it on her family to do all the work? Start learning danish and try out a few basic phrases with them. If you were able to demonstrate even the tiniest amount of effort on your end, I’m guessing that they would reciprocate. Right now you’re not doing anything and I don’t blame them for not doing all the work themselves.
In a nutshell, if you want to marry this woman then you are going to have to start learning how to do the things that a good partner does to show that they care and want to be in a relationship with the other person. That means sometimes you go to family occasions when you’d rather be home on the couch in your robe and slippers. You will still be able to relax and get some time to unwind. Also, there is no way that you as an individual are going to be expected to bring 12 presents to the family gathering. You and your fiancée can provide joint gifts and sign the card from both of you. I’m sure she would be fine with that and I don’t know any couples who do anything differently than that so I’m sure that’s the plan for gifts
I want to vote N T A. Burnout is real and I don’t think you should have to spend Christmas with someone else’s family every year, especially if you feel excluded.
But from your comments saying you have no incentive to learn Danish so you can be included until you know about your visa situation suggests to me that you aren’t putting much effort into getting closer to them. Which also suggests to me that perhaps you aren’t in tune with what’s important to your fiancée and this might be about a bigger issue between the two of you even if you don’t seem to realize that.
As a immigrant in Danish with a Danish spouse and navigating the family dynamics. YTA
-It’s awkward with the language -you have 5 years once landed to take free classes- I highly recommend it helps so much) I spent my first year awkward but every one drinks and eats and sings and it’s relaxed and fun.
-Christmas is a chill relaxed day but very culturally important to them it’s so much fun genuinely.
– gifts are not needed- and typically not as important compared to North American Christmas.
Just bring a hostess gift for the in-laws
– in Denmark you have like a week and a half around Christmas off typically. It’s one day.