I (35M) have been with my boyfriend “John” (31M) for a little over four years, and we live together in the Midwest.
Most of my extended family lives about a 6-hour drive away, while John’s entire family lives about a 3-hour drive away. Over the course of our relationship, we’ve gone to his family’s many times for holidays and family events. In contrast, John has only been to my extended family’s once in 4+ years.
This year, John told me he won’t be coming to my family’s Christmas because the trip is too far. I understand it’s a longer drive, but I was still hurt and disappointed given how infrequently he’s made the effort to see my family.
Because of that, I’ve decided not to attend his family’s New Year’s gathering.
This isn’t meant as punishment or retaliation. At this point, attending his family’s holidays has started to feel emotionally uncomfortable for me.
We’re not married, all of his siblings are straight and married, and his youngest sibling recently got married after a much shorter relationship. Despite living together and being together for years, I often feel like we’re viewed as a long-term “in-between” rather than a committed couple.
Without a clearer sense of commitment and with the ongoing imbalance around family involvement, I don’t feel great continuing to show up to family gatherings and pretending everything feels fine when it doesn’t.
John feels I’m being unfair and making a bigger issue out of this than necessary. From my perspective, I’m setting a boundary around situations that currently leave me feeling hurt and insecure, not trying to keep score or force an outcome.
So, AITA?
Why doesn’t John ‘feel’ declining your family invite as unfair? – NTA — He can identify why he ‘sees’ what’s unfair in your decision but not in his. Your reasons are clear and insightful. It speaks to fundamental aspects of what is uncomfortable (perhaps unhealthy) in your relationship while the best he states is, “…it’s too far away”. His actions and words are loud regarding the health and quality of your relationship. Shift your energy to creating the best holiday spree: movie binge, cook a favorite meal, spa perhaps…make it memorable.
I’m wondering if your relationship has run its course. NTA.
NTA but you have more to unpack than you think.
Your partner not showing up for you when it comes to balancing family time and holidays is going to lead to more resentment over time. Maybe you’ll push it to the back of your mind because 97% of the year things are fine and holidays are spaced out a bit, but this is the sort of thing that leaks into other areas of your life.
NTA: But might was own that it is retaliation. “Why would I come to your family event when you won’t come to my family event?” And then wait for an answer.
But I suspect (could be wrong though) that you are more committed to him than he is to you. Perhaps a few sessions with a couple therapist would improve communication and clarify whether the relationship can/should continue. At least you would gain information to make an informed decision.
NTA This issue appears to be a proxy for what you’re truly concerned with, the state of your relationship. Be glad you’re not married to someone so selfish and that can be so cavalier about being hypocritical.
Reevaluate the situation to see if you’re only being failed at the holidays and if your needs are truly being met in this situation.
Lastly, can you just stay for a week with your family at Christmas and not return until New Year’s Day?
NTA. Not seeing your significant other’s family for several years, regardless of distance, is not appropriate. You’re not wrong in feeling things are imbalanced because they are.
ESH.
He refuses to make an effort to see your family, something that’s important to you.
You are now disengaging from his family. You say it’s not retaliation, but a boundary. But if he would see your family you would see his. That’s retaliation.
Why are you staying in a relationship when neither of you are on the same page about relationships with your families? What’s it look like going forward, just continued isolation?
It’s ok to break up. You have different visions of what you want. You want a partner to share your life, your whole life which includes your family. He isn’t interested in the “inconvenience” of a 6 hour drive for holiday visits (which is an incredibly low bar, btw. You could be there by lunch if you left at 6. It’s in no way an onerous drive).
That’s how little he cares about you. Reexamine what a loving, respectful, supportive relationship looks like.
NTA, but if you stay together, what’s the compromise? If you have children, will they ever see your side of the family?
NTA. My boyfriend of 7 months at the time traveled 650 miles (9+ hours) with me to meet my family. It’s a horrible, long drive, but that’s what you do for people you love.
NTA. Seems like John is happy where your relationship currently is and doesn’t want to change. If you want more out of the relationship, then you need to decide if it’s time to move on. No right/wrong person. It happens when a relationship has run its course. If you decide you want the relationship then you need to have a very direct conversation regarding holidays. It’s not fair John doesn’t participate in i you our family’s holidays.
NTA. You’ve come to a crossroads in your relationship. He’s giving you every indication that he is fine with the status quo. Are you? You have every right to want to know where you stand.
Take the time over the holiday to figure out what you need from this relationship. Communicate it clearly. Your partner will either meet you where you are or not, but then you will know for sure.
NTA. You’re just in love with someone who doesn’t love you back the same amount. Make peace with that and then find someone who loves you the way you deserve.
What’s clear to me is that the logistics of who goes to what family holidays is not the issue. It seems like you are uncomfortable with what you feel is a lack of formal commitment from John. Part of that, I gather, is due to his unwillingness to visit your family (which I completely understand… that can definitely be a symptom of someone being “one foot in, one foot out”).
I think you two are overdue for a conversation about multiple things, the most important being: “I feel uncomfortable with the lack of formal commitment in our relationship,” and from what I can tell, the second most important being: “part of why I feel uncomfortable is because while I have spent a great deal of time with your family, you spending time with mine doesn’t feel like a priority for you, and in the type of committed relationship I would like to be in, it \*should\* feel like a priority for you (at least sometimes), even if you would prefer spending time with yours.”
In terms of the logistics/family conversation, it’s important to remember that \*compromise\* is a necessary component to a successful, long term relationship. John doesn’t seem to realize that he is not compromising on this issue very much, if at all. You are NTA for feeling like you are doing all the compromising here, and that’s not fair to you.
As far as the larger conversation regarding commitment goes, unless John is being avoidant when it comes to talking about it, I’d say that’s more of a N A H thing. But overall, you are NTA. The only thing I can think of that would change that vote is that while you say “this isn’t meant as punishment or retaliation,” it kind of is in a way. I still don’t think you are T A though, as that ‘retaliation’ seems pretty fair to me.
Best of luck. Unfortunately, it seems like you and John are not totally on the same page.
NTA
Honestly from what and how you are saying this, it sounds like this relationship might have run it’s course and is coming to an end.
It is not retaliation as much as matching his energy.