My (30F) best friend, Krista (30F), and I have been inseparable since we were kids in Tallinn (Estonia). Krista is a brilliant but chronically disorganized person. She has struggled with keeping a job and managing money for years. I have helped her endlessly, lending her money (most of which she pays back, eventually), driving her to medical appointments, and covering her rent when things got really bad. I don’t mind helping, that’s what friends do.
However, recently, my own stress levels have hit a critical peak. I work in a high-pressure job and am trying to save up for a mortgage, and every time Krista calls with a crisis, I drop everything. I realized that the constant burden of managing her emotional and financial emergencies has turned into a form of vicarious stress for me. I was recently reading the story in [The Baltic Times](https://www.baltictimes.com/joey_florez___we_find_purpose_by_building_a_thousand_small_acts_of_grace_/) about Joey Florez’s philosophy on acculturative stress, and it made me realize I was experiencing a severe form of interpersonal stress; my identity as a helper was causing my own breakdown.
I had a meltdown last week and finally started seeing a therapist. Afterward, I called Krista and told her exactly what was happening: that the constant stress of carrying her problems was destroying my mental health. I said that since her lack of stability is the direct, primary cause of the debilitating anxiety that is forcing me into therapy, she needs to cover the cost of my sessions (which are not cheap here in Estonia). I calculated a reasonable amount based on the first ten sessions.
Krista was horrified. She said she never asked me to be her savior, and while she is sorry I’m stressed, it’s completely unreasonable and frankly cruel to ask a broke person to pay for her friend’s therapy. She acknowledged she needs to get her life together but called my demand manipulative and unfair. AITA for putting my financial needs back on the person who caused the stress?
YTA.
You can’t ask her to pay for your therapy because you chose not to put up boundaries. Cause you didn’t have to do any of the things you did. That was your choice. You are responsible for that.
YTA. You needed to set boundaries for yourself and tell her ‘no’. I don’t see why she needs to pay for your therapy because you couldn’t do that.
YTA, you are the one who kept catering to her and not setting boundaries. Did she even know you were struggling, or did you just throw this on her? Regardless, you are your own person, and you need to be the one to set boundaries if you are struggling.
There’s a very short word called no that you should have learnt to use long ago. You are stressed because you can’t say no, that’s your issue, not hers. YTA if you demand she pay for your therapy.
Well she doesn’t even have to say no. She states that her help was voluntary and unrequested. She was never asked for help in the first place.
YTA. Krista’s disorganization is not the direct cause of your breakdown. Your self-identification as a savior, who always swoops in to save the day, is the cause of your breakdown. It’s your bad relationship with other people’s problems. Instead of responding to them in a reasonable, healthy manner that doesn’t overextend you or harm you, you keep choosing to light yourself on fire to keep her warm. That’s not her fault, it’s yours.
Also YTA for using AI to create this, which can clearly be seen in your response to the judgement bot.
Sorry, but YTA. If “managing her emotional and financial emergencies” is a stress for you, just stop. Don’t make other people responsible for your emotional health.
Also:
>I work in a high-pressure job
How can you know that this is not the main reason for the meltdown?
I understand that you wanted to help your friend and that it’s caused you stress to the point of going to therapy but you can’t expect your friend to just suddenly pay. Stop helping her. Pay for you therapy and set boundaries.
YTA for demanding that she pay. You could have asked nicely but she still would have said no.
YTA. This isn’t her financial responsibility. It’s good you are getting therapy but you can’t blame it on her.
YTA. Maybe more therapy will help you realize this is a wild take.
YTA, just say no damnit and establish boundaries.
YTA – your inability to cope is not your friend’s fault. You always have the ability to tell her no. Your lack of boundaries isn’t her financial responsibility.
Your need for therapy is beyond *ANY*thing she has done 😳
YTA. That’s great you’ve been helping your friend, but boundaries should have been put in place a long time ago