I (30) and my gf (34) just had our first son. He was born a couple months early and so he is still developing in nicu. My mother (52) is dating this guy (39). I got this dude a job at my work because my mother needed help with bills and he had quit his job a week before she asked me to get him a job at my place of work. Since he’s started he’s complained almost everyday about the work, taking the work load personally. We literally just stock our warehouse, pull items for orders, load the work vans, then deliver said orders. Pretty simple. Pretty easy, even though some orders are pretty big. For a dude who is 40, I’ve seen 16 year olds with better work ethic, but that’s only a small portion of why I ask. I had to quit my job as I had to move, yet my son was born in the middle of the move unexpectedly so I’m currently jobless and basically staying at the hospital and have been here for the last 2 weeks. Today my mother shows up at the nicu with her boyfriend and my mom is wearing a mask. I ask why, she said because HE was around someone who had the flu. So there he is, in the nicu room, no mask but my mom is wearing a mask? I feel as though he clearly doesn’t think about anyone else, or even care, as the flu and nicu babies is a terrible combination. My lady had just made a post earlier today about standing for our child and my mother commented in agreement. Yet when I mentioned the no mask when he left for a minute she rebutted with “well he’s not next to the incubator” which felt almost arguing with me standing for my child so I responded with “idgaf”. So I’m pissed. I’ve also learned he hasn’t paid any bills except for groceries and trips all because “his names not on the lease” and “she’d have to pay the rent whether he left or not”. And so I feel as though I’m watching my mother tolerate teenage behavior from a grown ass man. Which already has rubbed me the wrong way as she deserves better, I’ve tolerated it because she has seemed happy, though I’ve started noticing changes in her behavior which I could only describe as picking up his habits. But today, knowing he was around someone who got the flu, I was pissed he even came near the room, much less in it knowing my son is still on CPAP to help his lungs develop. This has me livid because if my son does get sick, it’ll affect his premature body worst than a “to term” baby or a grown adult. I’m getting sick of it and everything involving him. So, if I tell my mom that if she wants to be in my life and my son’s life then she has to leave him, would IBTAH? I’m honestly torn because my mom and I have had a great relationship even though it was rocky during my teenage years, but honestly who doesn’t have a rocky relationship with their parents during their teenage years?
You can’t demand that your mom stop dating him. You don’t get to make other people do (or don’t do) anything.
But – you are absolutely within your rights to set boundaries for who you allow to be around your child.
I mean that is fair. I just wish she’d wake up to the fact that she’s being financially abused by him. I watched her deal with it for 30 years with my father and she left him because of it. But tolerates him doing it, why?
Because her nervous system clocks that guy as familiar and familiar = safe to a nervous system.
Another way to look it is, the stereotype of the sailor with perfect balance on a ship, but can’t walk straight on land, but instead staggers about as if drunk.
Her nervous system never properly recalibrated itself to be able to walk on land, and to feel walking on land hand in hand with a partner, to feel good/safe/familiar. This is why therapy and reading books like “why does he do that” are so important.
So she spotted This guy, and her nervous system went “whoohoo! A toosytuvy ship! We know what to do! This is going to feel so familiar and therefore good! Let’s hop on this ship and go for a ride”. And that’s probably why she was so attracted to him and is prioritizing him.
I don’t know if you’d be the arsehole, but the risk is that your Mum won’t be around. You ready for that?
I honestly never thought it would have even came to this. But it’s the not making him mask up coming into the nicu that has set me off and all the other things were just things I kept brushing off. But the being around a respiratory virus knowingly and not wearing a mask was just essentially the final straw I’ve had with him. I never thought of my mother not being in my kids life, but it breaks my heart because we had such a good relationship and I know she was so excited for her first grandbaby..
Yes, YTA. Unfortunately, you can’t control what losers your Mom decides to date. However, you can control whether he comes into your space. So you can tell her she can’t visit you in the hospital with him, absolutely. That means you need to find a job ASAP to avoid having to move back in with your mother. At that point, she will control that space, and you will have absolutely no say.
I’m going to suggest keeping your distance from your Mom, regardless, because you’re stressed enough and don’t need to worry about her on top of everything else. Focus on your new family, get a job, and take care of yourself. That means letting her stay miserable and not being her sounding board for frustrations. And never again extend yourself on behalf of one of her dudes.
NTA. On one hand, the only one who can decide who your mom date is your mom.
On the other hand is your decision to told her that you don’t want HIM near your baby.
You can’t dictate what other people do. So you can’t tell your mom who she can date. But you can dictate who is around your child. So you can say that this dude is not allowed around your kid.
I did forget to mention it, but she did eventually tell me that “you wouldn’t have known he was around the flu if I didn’t say anything” to which my response was “so you’d just keep that information from me an potentially risk him getting sick while in nicu?”. Because I had to ask why she was wearing a mask. If I didn’t ask would she have told me? And what would have happened if worst case scenario happened?
I’ve had similar problems with older relatives and it drives me nuts. Like, that’s not the argument you think it is… you’re telling me you’d knowingly bring an illness around my infant and keep it from me, thinking that made it okay? You’d put my baby in danger behind my back? Thank you for telling me you’re not a safe person to be around my kid unsupervised.
I just found it so wild and honestly a little disrespectful
You can tell her he’s not allowed around your child. You can tell her you won’t bring the baby around him so she will need to visit your place alone. You can refuse to let her babysit so he won’t be around the baby. But you don’t get to decide who she can and can’t dare.
Ban him from the NICU. Tell the nurses he’s not allowed in.
You should have told her right then. And told her to leave. The hospital personnel would be livid if they knew this.