I (F21) and my girlfriend (F22) have been dating for almost a year. Since the beginning, she seemed like someone who really likes to drink, which was later confirmed. But I always tried to keep the mindset that she’s an adult and, as an adult, she should know how to handle her alcohol consumption. Because of that, I even used to pay for her drinks at the beginning, since I wanted to feel like the “cool girlfriend” who doesn’t nag.
Something a bit important to this story is that she has borderline personality disorder. Even though I knew this drinking habit could make things worse for her, I admit I turned a blind eye. She would always talk about how her exes were horrible for trying to limit her drinking, and I didn’t want to be toxic like they supposedly were. Still, I always had in mind that drinking could interfere with her medication and worsen her mental health. I tried to silence my guilt with the internal excuse that she’s an adult and should know how to control herself.
A few months ago, she came to visit me at my house. She was at the beginning of an emotional episode and had told me about it. Even so, when we went out to eat, she started drinking cocktails one after another. I was getting worried, but she assured me she was fine and knew how to take care of herself. However, when she got to my house, she started feeling very sick from the alcohol, to the point that she vomited blood.
I know that up until that moment I was a complete coward who should have already talked to her. But after that episode, I decided to take the situation more seriously and have a serious conversation with her. I told her I no longer believed she had control over her drinking, especially since she often drinks or craves alcohol when she’s having an emotional relapse, as if it were truly a crutch. I asked her to genuinely cut down.
Earlier today, we were with friends, and one of our friends who knows about her condition and knows it’s not good for her to drink gave her a small bottle of vodka. I feel like I finally exploded. I couldn’t stand watching her destroy herself anymore, and I couldn’t stand feeling like an accomplice in her self-destruction. I asked her for the bottle to smell it, and the moment I touched it, I poured the whole thing onto the ground. She left the place very angry with me.
I feel completely wrong, but I also feel even more overwhelmed because I’ve had so many conversations with her about her health, and she always goes down a path of hurting herself whether through alcohol, medication misuse, behaviors, etc. and it feels like no matter how much I say or care, it doesn’t matter.
(Posting again because DMs were closed and the bot couldn’t contact me. )
TBH NTA for spilling the vodka, you had good intentions, but you just need to break up with her. You can’t stop her from drinking if she doesn’t want to quit drinking.
I’m going to withhold judgment simply because being the loved one of an alcoholic is such a specifically difficult and crazymaking position that it frequently leads to exactly this kind of desperate assholish actions, because you’re trying so hard to save them from themselves.
Sis, you absolutely cannot save her from herself. Your options are 1) leave, 2) stay and turn into someone who enables her drinking, or 3) stay and become more and more unhinged in your attempts to stop her while gradually losing the energy to do anything else but watch her wreck herself.
I hope you choose wisely.
This. People can only be helped if they want help in the first place. It is not your job to be her saviour. NTA.
NTA, but you probably broke the relatinship neverttheless, She’s apparently not looking for somebody who will nurture her, but for somebody who will enable her.
I don’t think you’re the asshole. I think you just need a ear to talk to. Vent away
NTA, get out of that relationship or situation immediately. From her past exes it seems like she refuses to accept that she needs help. She’s vomiting blood and still refuses to accept advice and concern from her friends, and idk how long this has been going on but unfortunately people who don’t want to be helped can’t be helped. You being fed up with the alcohol overconsumption is valid, I think there could’ve been better ways to go about it than pouring it on the floor but the asshole friend who knew your gf had a drinking problem deserved it anyways. You need to take action somehow and sometime soon because you do not want to emotionally attach yourself to a ticking time bomb. Either she finds help or you choose yourself and leave.
You really need to rethink this relationship. She is spiraling & getting out of control. She has an alcohol & mental issue. Until she realizes she has a problem, there is nothing you can do. Please, for your own mental health, rethink this relationship. You are way too young to have to deal with this. Good luck
She’s an addict. You know it’s bad for you, you know it’s bad for her but she is not yet there. There is still a few steps to rock bottom and she most definitely will drag you there with her if you let her. It is okay if you want to live your life and not let her ruin it, but then that has to be your honest decision to remove yourself from her, no friendship no nothing, because you will burn out twice as fast. Act accordingly. Good luck.
Babe, there’s no way that you’re going to change this person, so ask yourself if you can live with this long term. If you can’t, it’s time to move on. It’s not supposed to be this hard.
As an alcoholic with mental health issues, you couldn’t tell me nuthin until I was ready to get sober. It’s for the best that you leave if she doesn’t heed your advice. She needs to know there are consequences to her behaviors.
You’re just going to come across (to her) as another controlling asshole, and I would advise you to walk away 🫤
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
NTA but I think you need to rethink the relationship. I don’t think her ex’s were completely the problem in their relationships with her. It sounds like they probably were trying to help her and got frustrated like you (and rightfully so to be clear).
My father was an alcoholic. When I was a baby (under a year old) we lived in San Francisco. There were times instead of taking me to the zoo or whatever he’d take me to a bar (I have no memory of this to be clear but he admitted it after I asked). A couple of times he forgot he had me with him and left me there (thankfully they had our phone number). By the time I was almost two my mom was fed up and gave him an ultimatum… get help or leave. He left the weekend of my 2nd birthday because he couldn’t or wouldn’t give up drinking.
I’m not normally a fan of ultimatums, but you might need to tell your gf you can’t be with her if she won’t get help.
NTA. At first, I thought you were my ex talking about us (a decade ago though). He caught on to my alcoholism before I did and always commented on how it affected my medication. Break up with her. She can’t change until she wants to and it takes an extremely long time to learn how to regulate without alcohol, especially when you have BPD. Took me 2-3 years to even gain an identity and I followed the no dating for the first year rule.
I’m sorry, I know you care about her.
You’d be an AH if you keep seeing this person. Cut your losses. Borderline Personality Disorder behaviors may be caused by her drinking. Or the drinking may be a way to suppress the symptoms of the Borderline Personality Disorder. Either way she isn’t interested in getting help so the only choice you have is to leave her. It will not improve. She will not stop drinking until the pain of continuing to drink becomes worse than the pain of getting help. You will be resentful. You will grow angered. You will lose yourself to her drinking by trying to control it.
Repeat after me: I didn’t cause her to drink. I cannot control her drinking. I cannot cure her disease(s). Al-Anon is a wonderful program for those of us who love alcoholics.