Hey Reddit. So I (22M) invited my good friend (23F) to my college graduation dinner months ago and completely forgot about it. I have always been the black-sheep type in my family and don’t get celebrated much for my accomplishments because I work in the music business and my extended family does not know what the work is or how real the work is (totally understandable as it is kind of strange). I am very proud of myself for my upcoming graduation and for the first time in a long time I feel like my extended family will be as well because it is something tangible to my accomplishments. Due to this, I’d really like to keep it a close family thing and really regret inviting my friend in the first place. I’m nervous about hurting her feelings, as she seems really excited for it and also has expressed before that she is interested in me in a deeper level than friendship (which I think is the main reason she wants to meet my family), and I really do not want her to come anymore. Should I just suck it up and keep my commitment, or tell her about my recent change of heart? Thanks in advance.
EDIT: just some added information for those asking.
1. No, unfortunately I do not share feelings for her back. Although, I do think she is a great person and a lovely girl but we are just two very different people and I don’t think I am attracted to her in that way.
2. The dinner is in about a month, but I figure I should do this sooner rather than later.
3. I may have misrepresented my family’s thoughts about me, I have no question as to if they love or support me, they are all just from a very small town and are confused as to what I am actually doing with my life. All things considered I’ve been quite successful in the music business for my age, but on the business side of things. They think I want to be a musician or something like that, and due to their limited knowledge of the semantics of the industry they have trouble wrapping their head around the fact that there’s more to music than just that. I do not fault them for this at all, in fact many people my age tend to do this as well.
INFO: how soon is this dinner?
I don’t think you’d be an AH, but be prepared for the fact that you will break her heart. She’s looking at it as a step forward in intimacy, whether romantic intimacy or just closer friendship. She’s looking forward to celebrating you.
You’re taking a step back in intimacy: she’s not one of the people that you most want to be there. She’s not someone who you want to recognize your achievement.
Thanks for the comment, answered your question in my recent edit
NTA, just say it’s shifted into a family thing and plans have overall changed. Be polite and it should be all good hopefully
YTA – your family disrespects you regularly. They for once are acting proud of you, and your are willing to hurt somebody who has done nothing wrong on the chance that your family will be proud of you this time. Not sure how your friend being there will affect their reaction to your graduation. Celebrating your accomplishment with one more person in no way changes things.
I would say YWBTA. You’re not inherently TA for wanting a dinner to be family only, but you will be TA for reneging on an invite to someone who you know is excited for the dinner and is interested in you. The severity of the situation is dependent on how far out this dinner is, but given that this person has had enough time to express to you their excitement to attend it appears that it’s been a while since the invite was sent out.
All things considered, my vote isn’t that you would be TA for revoking the invite in principle. You’ll be TA for knowingly heavily damaging your relationship with this person.
I would say keep your commitment.
INFO: are you interested in getting closer to her (more than friends)?
Answered this in my recent edit, thanks for the question
Do you return her interest, or are you worried that she’ll be getting the wrong idea from meeting your family?
Minus that, I honestly would still include a couple of good friends. Your family sounds iffy. Celebrate with them, but celebrate with people who are actually consistently supportive of you as well. If you really want to keep family and friends separate, then do two outings and explain that to your friend rather than entirely uninviting her – I’m sure she’d understand.
Good friends should go to graduation dinners.
YTA. If you disinvite her, you’re ending the friendship. You’re not being a good friend in this situation.
Why are you punishing her (the one who is genuinely happy for you) for your family’s assholeness.
I’m sorry (name) but recently I found out that the dinner for my graduation is only for family. I should have asked for more details before inviting you. Instead of coming to the dinner may I take you to dinner on … for us to celebrate?
Try that
YTA big time if you disinvite her.