My eldest son got married a few months ago. Early on, I spoke with both my son and his fiancée about my choice of dress. The wedding was an outdoor, daytime ceremony with an English-garden feel, followed by a tented reception in the evening.
I also spoke at length with the mother of the bride. She didn’t suggest that I wait for her to choose her outfit first and seemed very relaxed about everything. She told me she planned to wear something modest and daytime-appropriate for the ceremony (she is British and Orthodox Jewish), possibly with a hat or fastener, and then change into a floor-length gown for the reception.
I went dress shopping with friends and my sister-in-law and tried on many dresses, but none of them had the “wow factor” I was hoping for. I kept feeling disappointed and honestly a bit deflated, because this was my son’s wedding and I wanted to feel confident in how I looked. I sent photos of several options to my son and his fiancée so they could weigh in. My future daughter-in-law was very supportive and said I’d look beautiful in anything and that she mainly wanted me to feel comfortable. She did repeat several times that her mother planned to wear a midi- or tea-length dress or a two-piece ensemble for the ceremony, and something more formal for the evening.
Eventually, I found the dress immediately felt that “wow” feeling I’d been missing. I shared it with my son and daughter-in-law and asked for their honest thoughts. My DIL said it was beautiful and elegant and that she was happy I’d found something I felt confident in. She did ask whether I might consider something "more subtle" and sent me some links. She said she wanted me to feel comfortable and confident, so I assumed it was fine to go with my original choice.
My son later called and asked if I had liked any other dresses or would consider something less "flashy". I told him honestly that no, this was the only one that really gave me that wow factor and made me feel good. He said okay, so I took that as settled.I sent a photo of my dress to the mother of the bride, who hadn’t yet picked her outfits. She later told me she’d found a cream, light purple, and light blue outfit for the ceremony that she felt would complement my colors, then she was planning on changing into a black, floor-length gown for the reception. She told me my dress was beautiful.
The week of the wedding my daughter-in-law was very stressed. I told her I’d brought a steamer to help with her dress and thought I might see her before the ceremony, but she didn’t invite me in the bridal suite before ceremony. I had previously asked a few times to see photos of her dress, but she never showed me any.Since the wedding, my son and daughter-in-law have been distant and asked me not to share wedding photos. My son later told me his wife felt I made my dress too much of a focal point in the planning process. I’m honestly not sure what I did that crossed a line, which is why I’m looking for outside opinions.
INFO: Did you also hijack your son’s first dance and dance on him inappropriately in front of everyone?
YTA. You did make a big deal about your dress by having lots of conversations, sending lots of pics, and lots of requests for feedback. You got feedback from the bride who asked you to reconsider the dress for something more “subtle.” Your son also checked in with you later to see if you had reconsidered for something less “flashy.” You asked for feedback and then refused to take it, because you wanted the “wow factor!” Just because they were too classy to throw a fit about it doesn’t mean they were okay with your choice. Sounds like you indeed needed to be the focal point at their wedding.
Yeah, this seems fairly cut and dried. When both sides of the couple getting married “hint” to you that your dress isn’t appropriate, you find another dress. The mother of the groom doesn’t need a “wow factor” and it’s weird that OP is so focused on this apparently elusive “wow factor” that she couldn’t take some very very obvious hints.
It does seem like you initiated quite a few conversations with both the bride and her mother about your dress (“I spoke at length with the mother,” “she did repeat several times…”) at a time when they obviously have a lot of things on their plate.
ETA my judgment: YTA.
YTA
You’re not the bride – your appearance shouldn’t be a ‘wow factor’ at the wedding.
Both the bride and groom were urging you to tone it down, to not be so flashy. You ignored them. Now you’re facing the consequences.
Yep. OP referred to the DIL as jealous in a previous comment… both the son and DIL had told her that the dress was too high contrast and they tried to gently tell her to choose another dress because of this. It seems she didn’t care for their opinions. Kind of seemed like OP wanted people to fawn over her and her dress
YTA. She was giving very clear hints that it was too much, and you chose to ignore them because you wanted a “wow” feeling. Ma’am, it is not your wedding. You are the mother of the groom–it is not an appropriate time for a “wow” moment.
And I did not look at the dress pictures. That’s not relevant. What’s relevant is that you decided your desire to wow people was more important than the bride and groom’s peace of mind.
YTA
Instead of just randomly showing up with a flashy dress, you made a big deal about asking for everyone’s input, and then turned around and ignored it. They gave you gentle and polite but clear messages that the dress was too much, but that wasn’t the message you wanted to hear.
YTA
The moment you mentioned “wow factor” I knew that would be an issue. As a general rule, if it’s not your wedding, your goal is not to “wow” anyone, but to just be dressed decent enough for the occasion. The constant back-and-forth also added a lot on their already full plate of wedding planning.
Your son asked you to tone it down and you didn’t listen. Your son asked you to tone it down because your daughter in law asked him to. You didn’t listen. You appear to have bombarded everyone with your dress choices and overwhelmed them.
YTA. If you want a “wow factor” dress, then you can get married.
Also, can’t you take a hint?
“My DIL said it was beautiful and elegant and that she was happy I’d found something I felt confident in. **She did ask whether I might consider something “more subtle” and sent me some links**. She said she wanted me to feel comfortable and confident, **so I assumed it was fine to go with my original choice**.”
Ever heard what happens when you assume?
Also, this comment:
>Apparently when the wedding photos came back my DIL was sad because the dress photographed very much “high contrast” and because of the dark navy and stark white flowers she felt that it pulled attention visually? My son just told me that it didn’t photograph well in a group setting either. **I think my DIL is just jealous honestly**.
Not only are you TA, you’re also sooo conceited! You do know, that wasn’t YOUR day, do you?
Another fine example:
>I just mean I can’t think of another reason why she’d be cold to me. I didn’t wear a fully white dress. It was navy and white. I didn’t do anything “insane.” **Heck, I think she maybe regretted her dress choice when she saw mine because hers was more modest and she is a very introverted person and doesn’t love attention.**
And another:
>but also she wasn’t that nice to me either, at one point I was going and grabbing something from my room and **she told me i needed to hurry because the hair dresser was waiting for me and it was my slot. but like, what’s five mins**, I didn’t talk to her till after she apologized for that comment. her mom came and told me how handsome my son looked and how good I looked but there’s no reason to reward ungrateful behavior. **My son always caters to her and takes her side for no reason.**
Woman, get a grip. You know hair dressers work on a time frame, right? And you gave her the silent treatment on her wedding day until she apologized for something YOU were doing? And you know your son is in love with her and that’s why he married her, right?
[](https://www.reddit.com/user/MidwestMaplebirdy/)
I’m gonna say YTA. They were giving you plenty of feedback that they preferred you to pick something less flashy, but you were more concerned about “wowwing”. This day wasn’t about you. No one was going to give AF what you were wearing, and it sounds like you were trying to steal attention by getting a dress that was too much.
“I think my DIL is just jealous honestly” YTA
Wow factor?
Not your wedding, honey. Tone it waaay down.