So yeah. My kids and their mom moved to Tennessee a few years ago. I get all usual school breaks with them. Christmas, and summer but only get the odd years for spring break, she gets even according to the parenting plan. And though it didn’t state it yet in the parenting plan, she agreed to be financially responsible for the travel of the kids back to Washington during breaks, as a condition of her relocation. I do have that in writing though.
Last year when it was my year she said she couldn’t afford them to fly down for just a week. Being reasonable to her situation and wanting to see them still we drove across the country and spent the week with them doing activities and having fun. Which I would do a million times over.
However, my kids and I have kind of been planning this year’s spring break as if we were coming down there again. And my kids mom has even made reference to it as well. I’ve asked her if it’s okay but I’m worried she’s feeling pressured by us already having plans in the works, and not wanting to let the kids down in any way, and so she’s gone along with it. Which is why I’m wondering am I being the asshole for coming down for spring break this year.
Edit: Forgot to mention we also just recently were there for Halloween too to trick or treat with the and quickly went back home a couple days later.
Not sure if that strengthens the case for me or her but thought it necessary to include.
NTA. She is on board with it.
If you are worried, you could ask her.
It is kind of you to worry that she’s just going along with it, but you have to trust her to be a grown up and express her own wants.
Or her decision to put the kids wants first.
Yeah true she is fully capable of saying “I don’t think I’m comfortable with that actually”
Soft YTA – not for wanting to see your kids, that is great and a lot more than most parents across the country – but for the way you planned it.
You get all of the school holidays and she gets one school break every second year where she can do things with them without planning around school and extra curriculars that go with it. You planned ahead with the kids so she looks like the bad guy if she says no. You could have checked it with her before getting the kids involved
Well the kids are the ones that come up with the idea and ask the mom while she’s there on the phone. And it’s rather difficult to get her alone .
I get what you’re saying but she also benefits a lot from having them in everyday life as well.
What if the conditions were such my child was home schooled or did online school? Not to argue I’m just trying to banter.
But you don’t need to get her alone on a voice call, you could tell your kids “I’ll have to check whether that can work out for X time”, then text your ex and find out if it’s *actually* ok or if you’re putting her in the spot of being the bad guy who has to say no to something that would be disruptive to plans (and kids who don’t go to traditional school still have time constraints too).
Soft YTA because it’s great you want to spend time with your kids, but how you manage the scheduling outside of custody time should be an adult to adult conversation BEFORE you make plans with your kids.
INFO – at what point did you start making plans for your non-parenting year, what was their mum’s involvement in this, and why would you visit during a time that is not assigned to you?
Most of the time I begin planning anything it’s because my kids have raised a certain idea or activity they’d want us all to do together and they ask their mom if it would be okay. Since it’s something they’d want to do together and in Tennessee it would have to be a time that allows us the opportunity. That usually only happens on instances where we travel down during our time or we visit outside of schedule.
I visit outside of time because she at times has even suggested we come down outside of the parenting schedule and she hasn’t voiced an opinion otherwise.
There’s no conflict here. She said it was fine.
Going forward you should check in with her *before* making plans with the kids that deviate from the agreed upon parenting plan.
NTA- you did what you needed to see your kids when you ex couldn’t live up to the financial responsibility of it. You are doing what is needed to see your kids and be part of their life in a way that benifits everyone. If she has an issue with it, that is on her. Never apologize or think you are in the wrong for being a good parent.
If it’s not your parenting break then no doubt your an ass, especially as if she says not it will upset your own children and them be upset with her, not you.
I assume you went down there before and stayed somewhere other than her house.
Apart from the above then it’s all right apart from, in any case, keeping their mom in the loop BEFORE you gets kids excited at your plans.
NTA If this is an agreed upon plan that the kids are excited about and she’s agreed to then it’s all fine. If you’re on good enough terms with your ex for all this to happen, you’re probably on good enough terms to have a common sense conversation along the lines of “The current plans don’t match the parenting plan, are you ok with this?” You could even offer to allow a similar arrangement on one of your scheduled times.
NTA
You said “Being reasonable to her situation and wanting to see them still we drove across the country and spent the week with them doing activities and having fun. ”
Who is “we”?
Regardless of who “we” is comprised of, I would think most parents with primary custody would be thankful you are putting in effort to maintain a relationship with your kids and i would also think that if your ex has some issue with you coming for a visit that she would tell you. If you are doing this on thr spur of the moment or without any discussion with her, then that is kind of an AH thing to do because she or your kids may have plans that your visit would disrupt. But I would think she wouldve let you know if this were happening. So based on the info you have provided, NTA.
YTA. Period. You are using your kids to get unauthorized time and putting her in a place where she would be the bad guy if she said no. Absolutely you are the asshole, and, based upon your comments, you know it. You just want social media to give you a pass because you are trying to be the “good” parent, when what you are ACTUALLY being is the parent who wants their kids to see them as the “good” parent who is fun all the time, and who bulldozes right over the other parent to make them look overly strict, hateful, angry, and bitter and the “bad” parent, so that the kids will always choose you. Hopefully, as your kids grow up, they will figure out who you are. You are so much the asshole.