I unfortunately had to drop out of my cousin’s wedding 1 week before the date because my husband’s cousin passed away and the funeral was planned on the same day as her wedding. The funeral was in Michigan (we live in Toronto).
He was close to his cousin and considered him to be like a sibling. His cousin was sick for a while in ICU but it was not an expected death. He was very emotional about his cousin’s passing and I felt like I needed to be there to support him.
Before informing my cousin that I would not be able to be a bridesmaid or attend her wedding anymore, I examined every option to see if it was possible for me to stay and my husband to go on his own. We have two young children (4 month old and 20 month old). My in laws were supposed to babysit for the day but were not able to do it anymore as they would be going to the funeral. All of my other family would be attending the wedding or going to the funeral and I do not have friends who would be able to watch my kids. My cousin was planning a child free wedding so my kids were not initially invited.
After telling my cousin about the situation she extended the invite to my kids. I was appreciative of the offer but still decided not to attend her wedding. I would not be able to continue being a bridesmaid as bringing them to the wedding doesn’t solve the problem of not having anyone to watch them during the getting ready period, pictures etc. I also did not want to bring my kids to the reception because there would be loud music and drinking (which my cousin is aware of).They would be super grumpy being out way past their bedtime.
I did everything I could to continue to help her. She decided to replace me and I gave my dress to the person she chose to the replace me. My husband and I were also still going to her a wedding gift to cover the cost of our plates. We left things on a good note and I thought everything was fine but apparently it’s not.
She and her sisters are ignoring me. When I finally got her to talk to me about how she was feeling. She said that she was really hurt and would have never put me in a similar situation. I obviously didn’t want to do that to her. I explained to her my reasoning for choosing to go to the funeral instead. She says she understands but we haven’t talked since. My cousins and I talk regularly.
Her sister is getting married next year and didn’t ask me to her bridesmaid. They were both my bridesmaids and we’ve always talked about doing that for each other. I’m honestly really hurt about it.
I personally feel like I made the right decision for my family and my kids. But now I’m second guessing it and wondering if I’m the asshole in this situation
You had a death in your family. Prioritizing that over being a bridesmaid at a wedding is perfectly reasonable. Sure, it’s an inconvenience to the bride, but, well, it was a death in the family.
NTA.
And my condolences on your loss.
She is very hurt and it’s understandable that she’s not talking to you. Her wedding is a week away, she’s stressed, and she’s disappointed. It’s valid for her to have those feelings
It’s valid for the cousin to feel disappointed but the way she handled her disappointment was immature and self-centered. Things happen sometimes in life and learning to cope with letdowns and disappointments without sulking is important. It was a death in the family after all.
NAH. There is no perfect solution in this, you discussed it with your cousin and given it was the week of the wedding she has every right to be upset, especially after trying to accommodate your new situation.
It’s just a lousy set of circumstances. Let it go and don’t engage in any further discussion on the topic. You have explained. Your cousin understands but has hurt feelings. They will improve with time
Thanks, I really hope it does improve with time
Are you close to your cousin like your husband was close to his? Personally, if my cousin dropped out of my wedding a week before bc of something that happened with her husband’s family, i would feel a way about it. These are both once in a lifetime events and she chose to have you as part of her big day. Not to say both events aren’t important and i completely understand the divide. Can your husband & in laws not take care of the kids while attending the funeral? It seems like there would be a plethora of family to help at both events. It’s a tough decision to make. I don’t think you’re TA but it comes off like you’re choosing to support his family over your own.
She’s not choosing to support her husband’s family over hers. She’s choosing to support her husband through a very difficult time in his life. If her cousins can’t understand supporting your spouse in a time of grief over being in someone’s wedding, well, OP can go to their next wedding. OP is choosing her own family over extended family.
NTA, OP, but you have to understand that you put a lot of pressure on your cousin for dropping out last minute. Her feelings are very valid. Yes, you made the right decision in supporting your husband, but you can’t fault your cousin for feeling betrayed.
I understand that you’re hurt about not being asked to be a bridesmaid for her sister’s wedding, but you had to know that there is a level of trust that has been broken. You, in their eyes are seen as someone who is willing to flake out on them last minute and that is probably why her sister hasn’t asked you to be a bridesmaid. To them, it’s more like ‘what other life altering event is going to happen right before my wedding that she’ll drop out again’.
You also have to know how stressful it is for your cousin to have you drop out a week before her wedding. Your cousin is also not an ah for wanting her space from you. She is saying the polite things about how she feels but In reality, she probably feels very betrayed and like you chose your husband’s family over your own, especially for a big moment like a wedding, where you were supposed to stand up there with her and be part of her support system that day. Yes, a funeral takes priority over a wedding, but it’s more so the act of you dropping out a week before the wedding, that your cousin probably spent a lot of time and money on, and now she had to scramble to find someone else who could fit the dress that was originally altered to fit you.
Give your cousin some time and don’t be surprised or upset if you’re invited as a guest to her sister’s wedding instead of being asked to be a bridesmaid.
You’re really hurt you’ve not been asked to be a bridesmaid by the sister of the bride that you backed out on last minute? Come on…
Personally, I think you should have still gone to the wedding.
The circumstances were bad all around but you were in the wedding party.
YTA.
I am torn between NAH/ESH
It was a situation in which you couldn’t win and I sympathize with that, but at the same time I feel you could have made it work if you had wanted to, especially because she offered that you could bring the kids. There would have been plenty of people to play with the kids while you got ready/ took pictures and maybe you could have attended the wedding only. You made the choice not to attend. for valid reasons but you still made a choice against your cousin for your husband and his cousin. That‘s why I feel it’s understandable that your cousin is justified in being disappointed and hurt, especially since it’s been something that was a longstanding plan. It also means that it might influence how her sister feels about making you a bridesmaid and you have to accept that as a consequence of your choice. The only thing that is childish is the fact that they ignore you.
Her kids are 4months and 20months. If either of her children are breastfeeding then sending the kids to the funeral for a weekend while she goes to the wedding is not an option. Also having a 4month old and a 20month old in the room while they are getting ready would add unneeded chaos. She also said her kids staying up past their bed time would be an issue.
Since she was supposed to be a bridesmaid what would she do with the babies during the ceremony? She cant hold the 4month old during the ceremony, and asking other family members could result in them missing the ceremony.
If OP’s kids were older, sure this could have worked. But they are too little. Going to an event like a wedding with two children under the age of five is a two parent job.
I have mixed feelings about this. Why not send the kids with your husband and in-laws? I do think you move into AH territory for being hurt that the other cousin isn’t asking you to be in her wedding. Your dropped out of her sister’s wedding last minute. She isn’t going to ask you to be in hers. And they are ignoring you because the bride has feelings about the situation and doesn’t want to discuss them with you.
YTAish, You had a prior engagement that took a lot of time, money, and preparation. It was also significant to you and your cousin as you stated that your cousins were bridesmaids at your wedding and this is something you had planned for each other. Your husband had the support of his parents and other family members to get through the funeral. The grieving process isn’t over once the funeral ends. You would be able to be there for him in many ways after the weddding and funeral. The kids could have been cared for by the in laws and your husband. When someone passes away all responsibilities do not stop.