I (34 M) have a friend (42 F) who is really into spirituality and “consciousness” type topics. I started going to some meetings with her group because I wanted to understand what she’s into.
After the classes, most people stay there to hang out and have dinner together at the same place. The problem is that those situations get pretty chaotic for me (lots of people talking, noise, people moving around) and I start feeling overwhelmed and anxious. When that happens my instinct is just to leave.
A few days ago my friend told me she felt sad because I often leave without saying goodbye to her. I apologized and explained that it’s not intentional. Usually when the class ends she’s already talking with a bunch of people and I feel awkward interrupting. I also told her that when the room gets crowded and loud I start feeling anxious and just want to get out of there quietly.
She responded by saying that leaving like that was “a choice from my negative ego” and that I wasn’t acting from freedom (those are terms people in the group use a lot). That honestly hurt, because it felt like she was dismissing what I was actually feeling.
I told her that describing my anxiety that way made me feel invalidated. She said she wasn’t trying to invalidate me and that she was just offering a perspective.
I get that she probably didn’t mean to hurt me, but I still feel like if something you say makes a friend feel dismissed, even unintentionally, it’s reasonable to acknowledge that and maybe apologize.
She thinks I’m taking it too personally.
So now I’m wondering: AITA for expecting some empathy or an apology even if hurting me wasn’t her intention?
I might be the AH because maybe I’m expecting an apology even though she genuinely didn’t mean to hurt me.
Definitely NTA, you were hurt and explained why, expecting an apology might be a bit useless depending on the person, but it’s normal if you want to continue the friendship.
I think expecting empathy is fine, but not so much an apology. Is she not allowed to say the things she said?? What did she do wrong? She said she isn’t trying to invalidate your feelings at all, she acknowledges how you feel. This seems like both of you just aren’t communicating in a way that leaves you on the same page, but that doesn’t mean either of you did anything wrong.
I have a question, in an attempt to understand where you are coming from better. If you had a new haircut because the barber made a mistake cutting your hair so you were stuck doing something different for awhile, and they complimented your new hairstyle and for some reason you took that as saying they didn’t like your old hairstyle and were offended by it(not saying that is how you would actually react, this is just trying to understand your view). If you confronted them about it and they said they weren’t saying they didn’t like your old hairstyle and it was just a misunderstanding, would you be expecting an apology because you felt offended at first??
The friend approached OP to tell her she made her sad by leaving, OP *apologised* and offered an explanation. It should have ended there, or better yet, with an offer of support. The friend – unprompted mind you – called OP’s anxiety “a choice from negative ego”. That’s not an opinion. That is ignorant and dismissive of a real MH condition. It doesn’t matter whether you *say* you’re not trying to invalidate someone, when you point blank invalidate someone’s MI. Thats like saying “youre ugly- no offense”. There is no room for misunderstanding there. “Negative ego” is meaningless too, ftr. Not what ego means.
NTA.. I have been working on my anxiety (and have much improved with therapy!) but the people who don’t get it..simply will not understand.
Are you working on your anxiety? That’s something maybe what your friend is trying to tell you to do.
>She responded by saying that leaving like that was “a choice from my negative ego” and that I wasn’t acting from freedom (those are terms people in the group use a lot).
Um … choosing to leave when overwhelmed is a *perfect example* of acting from freedom. You used your freedom of choice *to leave.* Choosing to leave is not “negative ego” (which I personally think is a load of hogwash but people are free to believe whatever they want). You choosing to leave is **respecting your own boundaries** and choosing to **honor your own peace.**
Needless to say, you are 100% not the asshole. ***Always*** put your own peace first.
Having said that … as the old saying goes, perception is reality so her perception is valid from the paradigm she is viewing the world through, so I don’t really think she’s the asshole either, but I do think she could expand her consciousness to be more empathetic to others and stop letting her own negative ego cause harm, even if unintentional.
My verdict: NAH.
Info:
Can someone explain “acting from freedom”?
NTA As someone who’s been plagued with PTSD and anxiety for many decades, I take her comment as a weakness of character. I also get very anxious just speaking with more than one person, crowds, lots of noise, all that stimulation is chaotic and claustrophobic and I feel trapped.
It’s not negative ego and it’s not a character weakness. If she doesn’t acknowledge your pain, then she’s not a friend. Start looking around for someone who doesn’t invalidate you and has empathy.
Ok sooooooo, stop with the invalidated stuff. The only person that needs to accept you is you. If nobody else does…well they don’t need to be in your life. Nooooow, you go to these meetings to get help and she is helping you and your taking offense to it. Uuummmm, isn’t that just showing that your no actually working on you. Then why are you there? Stop playing the victim and become the warrior/hero.
NTA. (EDIT: i just caught the line “without saying goodbye”- the rest of my comment still stands, but if she is otherwise a good friend this is something you can compromise on as part of your reconciliation, ie, get your acknowledgement, acknowledge that while you have a right to leave you dont mean to disappear on her and maybe you can make a plan to let her know otw out of future gatherings. The no goodbye part is the only iffy bit, but if yk “goodbye” is going to get you guilted into staying or create a long drawn out scene where she makes you say it to everyone, totally fair screw that, just text her bye and bounce)
Which is it? Are you making a choice from “negative ego” or NOT acting “from freedom”? Inconsistent beliefs and misuse of psych concepts like *ego* to dismiss mh conditions she is not qualified to prescribe for.
I am wary of any spiritual group that talks like this, as a person who is both spiritual and mentally ill. It is often not a safe place for us; either we are made to feel alienated, as here, or worse – we start to internalise these perspectives. It can be harmful and set treatment back.
Ask her: “If I had a diagnosed joint issue, and standing/sitting too long at these gatherings caused a buildup of pain that made me need to leave, would you say the same thing?”
Her answer will tell you a lot. Hopefully she says “well that’s different”- you still deserve an apology; you did not ask for her perspective, and any space that does not respect MI as real is not as safe as it claims. If she says anything about joint pain being in your head too, run, they’re kooks.
She wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings. She is describing your behavior to her in her weird spiritual way. YTA for getting your feelings hurt by.
By all means, continue to leave when you get uncomfortable.
I think it’s a NAH situation personally, they just aren’t on the same page
If you disagree with her comment about negative ego v freedom, maybe you should stop going to this group. It sounds like maybe you don’t really vibe with their message, and the gatherings afterward are not fun for you. Would you say the main reason you go is to spend time with her? Maybe you can find a different activity to do together. A pottery class, yoga, or just getting drinks regularly. But something you both enjoy.