Me (32f) and husband (35m) (dating for 9 yr, married for 3y) are buying a house and planing to start a family. Currently I make 30k more than my husband. I’m asking him to upscale himself and switch jobs in order to support me during and after pregnancy, in case where I have to take a break from work.
By no means it’s confirm that I’ll stop working, this is only for situations if my or babies health require me to take a break.
While I brought it up to him, he got super defensive. He says he might look at job switch from February but mostly won’t change. In the argument he communicated his frustration towards me thinking about not working and this was not the deal that he signed up for. I said I was not aware I married someone who is getting so worked up on supporting his family.
He said I should keep my expectations at check and should marry someone else who will fulfill these wishes.
I’m really hurt but may be I should have discuss these situations with him before getting married.
Few clarification:
1) he works in IT. It’s normal for mid level IT professionals to switch jobs. He is also underpaid in current job, salary hike should not be a problem. Although Finding a job in this market is really hard.
2) I’m not asking to become a SAHM, I’m talking about what-ifs situations, where I might need support.
YTA. “May be I should have discuss these situations with him before getting married.” Yep. He does not owe it to you or the (as yet nonexistent) children to switch jobs. This is the man you married, in his job. He’s right: If you want a richer man, go marry him.
Soft YTA. It’s not realistic to be a single income household.
If you wanted to be a single income household, you needed to bring it up 5 years ago minimum. So planning could be involved, studies, certs, etc.
As a mom though, I get it. I want to just focus on the kids too.
ESH. How did this not come up during the past 12 years, or at least once you decided to have children?
Was this not discussed in the first 9 years?
YTA Why are you spouting 1950’s language like supporting your family? Does he have a job he enjoys? It’s not easy in this economy to go out and get a job with a 30k increase.
It’s important as a female to be able to support yourself. I have always out earned my husband and wouldn’t ask him to upscale himself if is isnt something he wanted to do. I have two older children.
This should have been discussed before getting married.
“For richer, or poorer…unless I get pregnant.” YTA.
INFO
Upscale and switch jobs is vague. What does that mean? What specifically does he switch to and what job is he doing now?
The word choice is coming across as vague to me, too. It’s not so easy to ask people to switch jobs nowadays. Plus, many people prefer to stick with a workplace they’re already at for things like the culture, benefits, job security, work location, and so on. Those things can be hard to replace, and a higher salary isn’t always worth more than them. It’s not an ask anyone can reasonably expect someone else to immediately be excited to hear or become readily open to.
Not to mention that OP’s husband *did* express some willingness to think more about the topic, like by bringing up the option to look into a job switch in February. It seems reasonable to give him some time to think it over.
You’re talking about maternity leave, and “what if” scenarios, correct? NTA then. My sister thought her normal pregnancy was going to be just that and she would be back to work after maternity leave. But she had a stroke during labor. She is OK now, but she was not able to jump back into work for almost a year after giving birth because of physical therapy and speech therapy and therapy therapy. Her husband was amazing and stepped up where he could around the home for their other children, and to make up for her lack of finances he sold his beloved boat. It sounds like your husband wants to be more of a drain and more of a taker whereas my brother-in-law chose the path of being a life boat and a giver. It’s just reminds me to save him an extra piece of pie at Thanksgiving for the wonderful way he treats my sister.
So go buy some disability insurance and stop expecting your husband “upscale” himself . That’s just rude
YTA
How to support the family while you’re on maternity leave is something you two should discuss and figure out *together*.
Telling him “make more money so you can support me” isn’t doing that. You’ve unilaterally decided what’s going to happen (you not working) *and* how both of you will handle it (him “upscaling” himself).
YTA. Yes, 100% this is something you should have discussed before marriage and is also something you need to be on the same page about before getting pregnant. It is completely unfair to spring this expectation on him. The difference between a one income and a two income household is large and you currently make more than he does! That’s a huge shift! Seriously, I would consider couples therapy at this point to make sure you have the skills for these discussions and to have someone who can guide you regarding discussion topics.
YDTA
Making your husband upgrade and change jobs. You make 30k more. Put money in a spending account or get some disability insurance through your job and stop expecting your husband to take of everything.
One step at a time. You’re not even pregnant yet.
You shouldn’t be demanding that he changes jobs “just to get a better wage”. What the two of you should be doing now is start living off one wage and saving the whole second wage and making up a budget. This will allow you to take time off if and when you fall pregnant and give birth.
YTA