I (20F) live with my mother (52F) and older brother (22M). Although I am taking a semester off from school to focus on my mental health, I was previously enrolled in university full time. Currently, I work part time at a retail shop, and my brother works a full time night shift job, and has been doing so for the past two years. When I was enrolled as a full time student, I was working 24-28 hours a week, and if I wasn’t at school, I would be at work, and vice versa. Because of this, I was often exhausted and didn’t have the energy to cook dinner for myself. I would tell my mother this, and she would tell me that I should still cook dinner for my brother since he works full time. I told her that because he is a young adult, he should be responsible for his own meals, just like I am. She will often get angry with me and say I am being selfish and not being a kind sister. In her eyes, because he takes out the trash, that means I should cook his meals and be responsible for his share of the dishes as well. She will also tell me that because my brother doesn’t know how to cook very well, I should just make his dinner whenever I make mine. This has made me feel very dismissed and like she’s placing me in a parental role. Lately, she has been asking me to make sure he is up and getting ready for work, and to make sure that his dinner is prepared. She also wants me to help him earn his driving permit since I have recently passed my written test, even though I had to prepare for my test with no guidance or help from my mom even after begging her to teach me how to drive. I have repeatedly told her that these things are not my job, and that her coddling my brother is only going to hurt him in the long run. Am I being selfish and mean? I love my brother, and I have no problem with helping him when he asks. But I just don’t want to act like his mother.
Sorry if this was jumbled and hard to read.
NTA. Have your brother help you out in the kitchen or tell your mom she can prepare his meals. You aren’t responsible for a fully capable and functioning adult.
Sure it sounds like she is putting you into a parental role, and coddling your brother, but what exactly are you looking to get out of this?
You live under her roof, even if you pay rent still her house. If you cannot afford to be on your own your other choice is to suck it up. Even if you try to talk to her, do you think things will change? They hardly do.
This is why living with parents sucks no matter how old you get to them they will alwaya see you a kid they can tell what to do. You can fight back and ignore it but that is also streasful.
NTA and I am sorry.
Yeah, I know. I really want to move out, but I don’t have enough money. Once I get done with school I want to leave. My mom wants my brother and I to stay at home for many years to save up money (which I am grateful for) and she gets upset when I talk about moving out. So idk.
Yeah, it does suck and I am really sorry you have to live that way. It is 100% unfair and should not be. Follow your gut move out ASAP, sure you might struggle but at least you will be struggling in your own space without your mother and brother around.
NTA, If your brother is 22 and on a full time income, why is he living at home anyway?
Why not? His mother has his sister do a lot for him.
NTA
I think you’re right about doing for him will enable/cripple him
In the long run.
Some
Things can not be done alone however, so if you mean time to practice drive with an adult, you should probably help
Him out if your moms not willing. Not sure how you got your time in, but he needs someone I assume.
As far as cooking, I agree. He can make his own food. If you happen to be making something that’s enough for everyone, great. It’s also fine to just make yourself something when you want a quick
Bite and are really tired.
NTA.
NTA This sounds like my Hispanic mom. Daughter’s had to do everything for the brothers. And yes you are right about the coddling it’s definitely going to mess him up especially when he is on his own
NTA – I suggest asking your mom questions. How is bro going to take care of himself when he moves out, or do you want him to always live with you? How is he supposed to find a suitable wife if all he can contribute is his paycheck and taking out the trash? It’s different now and men must compete for high value females. The available men now offer to share household chores, like cooking and taking care of the children as much as their potential wives will. Do you not want him to attract the right kind of female to marry? How is he is supposed to give you grandchildren?
Mom, won’t he feel bad about himself if he has to get his little sister to help him with a common task like getting his drivers permit? Don’t we want him to have more confidence and to feel confident? Not like he’s not as smart as his little sister?
Mom, what happens if someday I am married and taking care of my family all the way across the country, and something happens to you? Who will take care of you? Who will take care of bro?
Don’t you agree we must prepare him to be a self sufficient man?
NTA Its not parentification, it’s just good old sexism. Your mother has bought into the gender stereotype that women do domestic work like cooking. What she should have done is taught him to cook. I don’t know many women who don’t find a man who can cook sexy (there has to be more than that, obviously, but if he knows his way around a kitchen and can conjure up a proper meal, he’s a keeper). Tell him this – it might be some motivation for him to learn.
NTA
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202202/8-types-of-children-scapegoated-in-narcissistic-families
NTA. Just say, Sorry, can’t. I’m busy. Learn to ignore her. Nod and ignore.