I’m pretty nervous posting here. I had to take away quite a few of the details because of the limit, so feel free to ask me any questions. But I really need the third opinion. I feel like my friends could be biased and my mom’s pretty insistent I’m the one in the wrong. But here it goes.
I, F19, had a university exhibition on the 5th. About a week beforehand we were sent a form to fill in potential visitors. And so I told my mom (F47) about it in hopes she would come. She agreed, but asked if we were allowed to fit in two people. She was referring to her husband.
I said I didn’t want him there. I don’t like the guy. He’s selfish. He’s hurt her time and time again and I tend to bear the weight of my mother’s anguish. And when she’s upset, she gets REALLY upset.
When I said I didn’t want him there but she got upset and kept insisting. She said she needed him, that it’d be rude for him to wait outside the university because he’s not a driver, that it doesn’t really matter anyway. I kept saying no.
I said no because this was an event for me. I wanted it to be about me. I knew his involvement would stir up some kind of problem and I was right.
Come the day of the exhibition she tells me that her husband is coming. I tell her again. I don’t want him there. He has nothing to do with me. She ends up telling me "If he’s not coming then I’m not."
I end up not responding and feeling pretty down most of the day. It didn’t help that my part of the exhibition didn’t go as planned and ended up a lot less impressive than what was intended. 3 hours after the time she said she would’ve been there, she shows up with him. He goes on to take a phone call for a few minutes and she spends the entire time I’m with her practically begging me to treat him kindly and as much as I’m upset that he’s there to begin with, I agree.
But even after I did, all she spoke about was him. I was setting up my laptop to the projector and it felt like the only thing that mattered was not that she was here for me, but that her husband felt cosied up and comfortable.
Nonetheless, he came in while I was setting things up from behind me and said something along the lines of "I bet you’re gonna impress us today!" and I turned my head back quite quickly (a bit startled), and responded with "I hope so." I tried to smile before turning back and going back to the set up.
He disappears after this and I don’t notice until my mom starts whipping her head back and forth looking for him amidst the crowd. She starts telling me I was rude. That she came here despite the fact she was travelling and I ruined it. That I’m ruining her life.
She defeatedly looks at my work and squeaks out that "it’s nice."
I look visibly upset and she starts badgering me again. Saying that she asked for me to do this ONE thing for her. We end up arguing in front of everyone. I kept saying I didn’t do anything, and that I was going to be kind to him. Though she ends up leaving, and I started sobbing afterwards.
NTA. She is prioritizing her husband over you.
Basically, you invited her, she asked if you could bring him and you said no. Then she declined your invitation (if he can’t come I won’t). And then showed up anyway with him.
Now you know where you stand. Proceed accordingly.
Jesus Christ what is wrong with your mum? NTA.
NTA. Her job was simple: support her child. Does she have some kind of mental illness? Im so sorry this happened. You deserve genuine support.
NTA.
You asked her to do one thing for you and she let you down. She made it about her husband.
(I’m so sorry.)
I get that you don’t like the husband. But it seems like in your one tiny interaction with him. He said something complimentary and supportive of you and disappeared.
You can’t pretend he doesn’t exist. That’s not going to work out well for you.
NTA , your mom seems to be in a toxic relationship and she cares more about keeping him around than showing up for you. my best advice would be to honestly tell her that you won’t continue fighting her on this topic. let her know that you do not want that man around you and if she has an issue with it then she can keep her distance as well. i know this sounds harsh but it sounds like she needs a serious reality check
NTA but your mom is the TA. She couldn’t even try to be there for something that was important to you and that is not right. Nothing you did or said was rude and it sounds like your mom was just being inconsiderate to you. I’m so sorry that your mom couldn’t be there for you in the way that you needed her to be. So here’s a big hug from an internet mom and I hope everything goes well for you at uni. And don’t let it get you down too much.🤗🤗🤗
NAH. I understand why you don’t like him and don’t want him at your big event but, you’re officially and adult and are going to be building your own life over then next few years. You’re going to be around less and less, so of course your mom’s going to start prioritizing the man who lives with her, who she’s made a commitment to, and will continue to be a part of her daily life, over you. You need to accept that they are a package deal, especially if you want her to accept the same about your future partners.
NTA, but I’m sorry because it sounds like your mom isn’t going to change anytime soon while she’s with this trash bag.
NTA.
Your mom is acting like a child, instead of a mom. It’s speaks volumes about her insecurity, of which she’s using to emotionally abuse you, that she can’t manage without him by her side. That’s her problem, not yours.
I’d suggest drawing a firm boundary with her. Any future interaction needs to be without him, and only between the two of you. If she can’t respect that, then you know she’s definitely not ever going to make you a priority, and you deserve better.
I’m gonna be real, it sounds like she put you in a no win situation. If you said no, you were selfish. If you said yes, you had to babysit her husband’s feelings. That’s exhausting. You didn’t snap, you didn’t insult him, you didn’t cause a scene until she pushed it there. You’re allowed to want your mom to show up for you without bringing her whole relationship drama along. That doesn’t make you a bad daughter.
He’s abusive. She was afraid to come without him
NAH. Step parent relationships can be extremely difficult especially considering variables like when the relationship started, was there previous divorce, is bio dad a factor, how much did your life change when he came etc. All that on top of you being a teenager (I say that with kindness, my son is 19, the teen years are distinct). I’m not going to draw conclusions on your mom and her husband’s relationship based on the info provided because there are different definitions of “hurt her” and they can vary widely, would need examples for severity level. I get that you didn’t feel like your mom’s priority but she was asking for a compromise and understanding that you refused because you wanted all the attention. She didn’t want to exclude her husband, someone who has probably contributed to your life in one way or another, or have to argue with him about you hating him and not wanting him there. He didn’t act up or rude, in fact he was supportive and enthusiastic and you were flippant and annoyed in return. Idk. You might not like the guy but your mom is choosing him and you should want her to be happy and have support as you begin your journey to adulthood without her. Annnd now for the downvotes 😂