Hi Reddit, I (18F) need some perspective.
My brother is 6, and my mom is 46. Ever since I was 12, my mom has expected me to take care of him constantly. I wake him up, feed him, take him to school, do his hair, clean up after him, make meals, do his laundry, and even do mine. I’ve missed school and personal time because I had to watch him. I love my brother, but I hate that I’ve been forced into this role. His dad isn’t involved, and we don’t have other family to help.
I’m in college and trying to save money for a car. My mom isn’t helping financially and expects me to get to school and work by bus, Uber, or walking. She also wakes me up early so I can drive my brother to school while she gets ready. She could do it herself, but I’m forced to do everything. The last time I tried to set boundaries, she called me horrible names, told me to get out, and threatened me physically.
Every other weekend, my mom goes out of town to be with her boyfriend. She often just packs her bags and leaves, expecting me to watch my brother without asking. I don’t mind helping because I love him, but I hate being forced. She could take him with her, but she doesn’t want to, and she does nothing to support me in return.
Recently, my aunt has had me watch her 94-year-old father, who has dementia, and take care of her dog while she goes out of town. Valentine’s Day weekend, she wants to go away for a few days, and she’s paying me well. I like doing this not just for the money, but because I get to spend time with my grandpa before he passes. I know that time will come soon, and I really value it. It also helps me provide for myself, which my mom refuses to help me with.
Just this past weekend, I was already watching my grandpa for my aunt, so my mom couldn’t go to her plans because no one could watch my brother. I even asked if my brother could come, but my aunt said no he hurt her dog the last time he was there, and she doesn’t trust him.
Now my mom’s birthday is the day before Valentine’s, and she wants to go out of town with her boyfriend for the weekend. That means she’ll need someone to watch my brother. I don’t want to do it this year because I need this time and money with my grandpa, and I’m focusing on school and saving for a car. I suggested a babysitter, but she doesn’t have money for one.
I feel like I’ve been treated unfairly my whole life. I love my brother, but I’m not his full time caretaker. I shouldn’t have to miss opportunities to provide for myself or spend time with family just because my mom wants to go out. She’s controlled my time and forced me to put her and my brother first for years, and I’m finally trying to do something for myself.
I don’t know if I should tell her now that I already have plans to watch my grandpa, or wait until closer to her birthday and Valentine’s. Should I bring it up today?
So Reddit, AITA if I watch my grandpa for my aunt instead of watching my brother for my mom’s birthday and Valentine’s weekend?
NTA.
Not gonna lie, your mother constantly leaving with bags out of nowhere on weekends… how old were you when she started doing this?
She is the parent, not you. If you weren’t taking care of the brother, he would be starving. Also your mother THREATENED YOU?
Say that to yourself again. You do realize this is a type of emotional abuse, right?
She is NEGLECTING her sons. She is neglecting her youngest as well. This behavior needs to be taken to authorities- seriously.
Yes, as much as I want to leave, I can’t because I have nowhere to go. I don’t have money, I don’t have a car, and I want to leave because I know this is emotional abuse. I’ve been dealing with this for years, but I just don’t have a safe place to go. I do have a father, but he’s a truck driver and travels a lot, so he can’t help.
When she started leaving and packing her bags, she only started doing this when I turned 17. But when I was younger, there were times she would leave late at night and not come back until the next morning, or she’d be gone all day and not come home until midnight, and I had to watch my brother. Lately, she’s been leaving for entire weekends. It’s scary knowing that one day I might have to leave my brother, and I don’t know how he’ll manage.
I’ve been thinking about talking to my college to see if they can help me with housing, but it’s still scary to think about leaving my brother. I know I can’t take him with me because I can’t afford to support myself, let alone him.
First off:
You love your brother. But you also feel responsible for him. This is due to your mother being a total failure of a parent, pushing her responsibilities onto you.
Second: it is your life. If she has been abusive to you, you can get a settlement case with authorities if you tell them everything. Also, you can get student loans depending on your country- which gives you money for rent, food, classes, etc.
Apply for scholarships and student loans.
And the most final and important thing:
You have the power to fix this. You NEED to contact CPS- please. Leaving a child alone in a house overnight is a really, really huge deal.
Call CPS. Your mother must be forced to take responsibility.
It’s scary. You don’t want to upset things. It’s hard to have it change. But you’re almost an adult. When you get older in a few years, you’ll start to realize-
Hey this is fucked up. I gotta do something.
You gotta stand up for yourself. So, please. Call CPS. Or the cops. Be honest with them. Do NOT let your mom overtalk or bullshit you.
Your brother most likely will end up with a relative or proper care housing since he sounds like he is a bit older. It’s stressful, but listen-
CPS is a better path than letting your brother be alone. Your mother’s dumbass shouldn’t shackle you from living your life.
Call the authorities. Be honest about everything and anything.
NTA. You’re describing parentification, which is a form of abuse and isn’t fair to you. It’s pretty normal for parents to expect a small amount of help with younger kids from their older kids, but it sounds more like you’re being used as a second parent, and that’s not right.
First off, NTA. I can understand your hesitation in telling your mom sooner, but I think you should tell her sooner rather than later. Also, do you have different housing options? You might need to be looking for other housing if you start setting boundaries with her (which you need to do).
Yes and no. Last month , I applied to a housing program that could help me get on my feet for at least two to three years, but it takes them 6-12months to get back to me. So far, that’s the only place I’ve applied to, and I haven’t heard anything yet.
I’ve been looking into other options, but it’s hard knowing I don’t make much money to pay rent and move out. There’s also the fear of moving in with someone, being kicked out, and having nowhere to go especially since my mom wouldn’t support me if that happened.
I’m thinking about talking to my college to see if they can help me with some kind of housing plan or support. Even though I’ll be starting work soon, I’m not sure how much I’ll make, and I don’t think it would be enough to fully support myself but honestly, I don’t know yet.
I also know I need to set boundaries, but in the past, when I tried to stand up for myself, she threatened to put her hands on me, kicked me out, told me I was worthless, and said she hates me. Ever since then, I’ve been too scared to try setting boundaries with her again.
I’m so sorry, this is such a tough situation. My advice is to keep trying to find housing, you need to get out of there. Also, do you have access to counseling through your school? I think you should have some counseling. You’ve been parentified, and I think your mom has a personality disorder (probably Borderline or Narcissism). This causes real damage to your psyche, and some support could be really helpful.
Would you not be able to ask your aunt for help with that? Also so sorry your mom is horrible😔 Parentifying your older children expecting them to essentially raise their sibling is abuse
NTA. Tell her now
NTA! You’re not his mother, so, why are you playing the mother role?? Honestly you need to tell your mom that you’re not his mother and that you’re a child. Tell her how you feel. Have you ever talked to your aunt or dad about what’s going on in your house and possibly seeing if you can stay with them until you get on your feet?? I hate Mother’s that do this!! My niece was put in this same situation on being a mother to her 2 younger siblings at the age of 8 and it robbed her of her childhood and being a kid, which made her grow up fast. I know he’s your baby brother and you love him dearly but you’re only his sister and you shouldn’t be forced to do anything that your mother should be doing. You need to figure out a game plan for yourself that doesn’t revolve around your mother because she obviously doesn’t care enough to be there for the you let alone the both of you.
NTA you need to stand up for yourself. Your mom chose to have kids. Your brother is her responsibility. If she treats you horribly, then call her out on that too.
Your mom is manipulating you. You need to stop it now, or it will continue for the rest of your life.
NTA!!! you literally cant watch him wth. and you had already asked your aunt if he could go and she said no. you shouldnt be treated like that for respecting the homeowners wishes. you NEED the money and time with your grandpa, she doesnt NEED to go on a trip.
NTA – what your mother is doing is not okay. However, I’d really think about whether it’s feasible for you to keep living with your mother, I’d you have any options it’s almost gonna be best to get out.
NTA – I’d consider saving up to move out instead of saving for a car.