2 years ago my wife and I moved a few states over from where we used to live, 15 min from her parents. Drove me crazy being that close after a while. We now have their first grandkid and they have seen him 6 weeks, 5 separate trips in the last 10 months. Now they want to see him again. Can’t stand her MIL for more than 3-4 days. The MIL is sweet, but her parents have always had a hard time understanding I need space. My wife is super close to them. It recently caused a big fight between us. They have been undermining our move and my (wish I could include my wife) desire to be on our own journey. They keep poking us to come back to CO, just about every week and my wife has communicated to them that it has been hard being here without them. Yet they keep saying "just move back". This places me squarely in the asshole spot.
Finally got fed up and told them to stop making it worse.
Obviously she is having a hard time with the move, but maybe be encouraging. Their two sons couldn’t stand being smothered and are more distant with them, so we get all their energy.
FIL said so sorry blah blah blah, "sorry you didn’t get a good example of a good family growing up".
Should I be so pissed? I feel pissed. They know the worst of my upbringing, but my parents were more intentional with us growing up. My wife has told me enough about their family that I have to really resist the urge to take her FIL down a few notches. I get so sick of church Christians projecting the "I’m sorry you grew up in a broken home" as if their home wasnt full of BS, partially evident in their two sons being drunks, having a history of dealing drugs in HS etc.
FWIW I am a believer, but unholy shit am I sick of these types. It’s the reason I’m less inclined to share my past.
Was hoping my wife would have the convo and she never did after 5 years. So AITA for finally telling them I’m sick of the overbearing christianese BS?
If you two have different goals and dreams, and she hasn’t had the conversation with her parents like you asked her too FIVE YEARS AGO?? then a deeper conversation has to happen NTA
Thanks! Is there a better way I could have handled it?
ESH except your wife. You and your in-laws are putting your wife in the middle and no one is communicating well. Your wife is being pulled hard between two groups she cares about and not making anyone happy. You’re all passive aggressive and reactive. You don’t say why you left your original state. Was it work related or was it to get away from her family? Did your wife support the extensive distance and is now regretting it? Because it sounds like the move was dominated by you and your preferences. You aren’t acting like a partner right now. If your concerns are so strong and your wife is so upset, it’s time to look into marriage counselling. Get a neutral party to help you both navigate your concerns in a healthy way.
NTA but your problem is your wife, not her parents.
People who have two sons ending up drunks with drug dealing history don’t get to say “sorry you didn’t get a good example of a good family growing up”. Either example doesn’t matter and they should shut up, or example matters and they should visit an ophthalmologist for that beam.
I am not too sure why you are replying to my comment?
Her parents are nasty but the problem in OP’s life is his wife.
I think the parents are definitely a part of the problem.
>FiL said so sorry blah blah blah, “sorry you didn’t get a good example of a good family growing up”
You’re definitely NYA for being pissed off at FIL, MIL, and your wife as well, but it would behoove you to find better ways to handle it
I strongly urge you to go to couples counseling so you and your wife can get on the same page, and you can deal with her parents as a united front.
Like, if FIL talks to you like that, you’re all packing up and leaving, whatever the situation, in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner or whatever. Her parents have to be able to be respectful in order to see their grandchildren.
But let them visit, with clear boundaries, for example – they stay at a hotel, limit hours per day, etc.
And maybe consider moving back someday, again with clear boundaries, so your wife gets the help and contact she wants, but doesn’t inflict her parents on you nearly as much.
Maybe you and your wife can bond while watching some “everybody loves Raymond” episodes – talk about intrusive in-laws for Deborah!
But again, you and your wife need to get on the same page, and this will be best done with professional help.
Thanks! Reached out to several therapists. It’s hard to get responses over the holidays. Wish I wasn’t at the end of my rope around this time of year, but that’s the holidays I guess
>They have been undermining our move and my (wish I could include my wife) desire to be on our own journey.
INFO Did your wife want to move originally? Or did she, pretty much, “have to”?
NTA, In-laws need to “let the baby bird fly”.
NTA. Your wife may be a bit immature. But you can’t nurse that to death. Once a quarter would be nice to see in-laws -if the drive is possible to share between both she and her parents.
If your wife is not on board with you you’re screwed unfortunately