Some important context I (29M) feel I should add are that my father (60M) have what I would call a tendency of hoarding. For as long as I can remember, he have been inclined into accepting trash and old belongings that friends of his have wanted to be rid off. It’s been like that for years. The table we have in the movie room? It was dropped on us by a friend, and my father accepted it – even though we already had tables enough, one of which we still keep in the attic packed down. It was meant to be temporary, but temporary have now been over a decade.
I’ve voiced my firm opinion on the matters many times, including my concerns that my father is being taken advantage off by friends who can’t be bothered to pay the fee to have their trash disposed off properly.
Come today, and we have to attend an appointment. And I find the front passenger seat absolutely overflowing with trash. Old clothes, broken electronics, random trash. Turns out my father had visited a friend yesterday, who of course asked if he could help her get rid of the trash…
Combine my years long frustration of my father’s hoarding tendencies, the fact that I’ve told him many times I don’t want our car to look like a garbage yard, and me knowing we would be late because I had to clean out the front seat before we could go, let us just say I flipped out. Told my father my god honest opinion, and yelled at him my frustration and anger. In the heat of the moment it felt cathartic. But, I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel a little guilty.
In my father’s defence, he always tells me he just want to help his friends out, and that he’ll sort out the trash soon enough. And I can believe that. But "soon enough" have a tendency of turning into weeks, months, even years, and in the meantime I have to drive a car that looks more like a garbage yard, or deal with trash in the home that get in the way or block hallways.
Oh, and I should mention that "trash" in this context isn’t trash bags or anything foul smelling. It’s just old clothes, broken electronics, worn down furniture, etc; things that I consider to be trash.
Thus, AITA for flipping out on my father for jamming the car with trash, AGAIN?
NTA for being frustrated but a bit YTA for the delivery. Years of ignored boundaries boiling over is understandable, but yelling at a 60-year-old rarely changes the behavior, it just damages the relationship. The real issue is hoarding tendencies that aren’t going away without a more serious conversation, not just venting in the moment.
Is this your car or a shared family car? Do you still live with your parents? If so, then, while I certainly understand your frustration, your “case” is weaker.
We are all human and sometimes we have outbursts that may seem excessive, but that’s usually because they have been building up. I don’t know if your response was totally uncalled for, but even if it was, it was understandably human.
The one thing I would add, however, is that it sounds like your father has more serious emotional issues. Hoarding is not just a “bad habit”. It can be a sign of a more serious clinical problem. If so, then yelling at him is not going to make any difference, other than to cause hurt over behavior he might not be able to control.
Me and my father share ownership in the car. And yes, I still live with my father.
Thank you for the added note about emotional issues.
NTA for being upset about an ongoing mess. You might be TA for still living at home and driving your dad’s car, though. You’re 29 years old; why is your dad’s messy house and car your business?
I think you need to apologize for “flipping out,” but also lovingly explain that you are concerned that his trash collecting is turning into unhealthy hoarding, and you can’t live with it anymore. Then figure out how to get your own car and your own home.
Who is this friend? Take the car back and clean it out in her yard? When she asks why, tell her to stop foisting her garbage on your father?
It might feel good, but it would upset him. I’d just clean out the car yourself and throw all that crap away. I hope you don’t live with him. It must be terrible to live with a hoarder.
While I can get your suggestion, I am not going to go to that drastic of measures. Don’t want to risk trouble by doing that. I will however have that talk you are suggesting anyways, telling her to dispose of her trash herself
My father insists he’ll dispose of the clothes to a local second-hand shop. I’ll probably resort to what I’ve grown a habit of doing; leave it be for a week or two. If it’s still around, I sort it out myself. I can’t stand driving around in a car riddled with trash.
As far as living situation goes, I do live with my father. Can’t afford my own place. Which does mean that distancing myself can be a bit of a challenge.
I wasn’t really serious about it. (That’s what the question marks were for.) Might make you feel good for 30 seconds, but no, it would be too much for him.
Maybe this time, don’t wait the 2 weeks? Do it now? If he balks, tell him you meant it when you said no more to the car looking like a garbage yard. Sometimes you need to just hold the line and mean it.
I’m sorry about your situation.
NTA, hoarders are very very difficult to ‘cure’ bc they seem to derive a great deal of safety associated with all the stuff. It is opposite to our reaction which is that it is disorganized, unsightly, messy. They see security, safety, and protection. Hard to just take the stuff away they fight like hell to keep those important emotional blankets.
Hoarding is a circuit gone wacky in the brain. I have it. I collect. Things that turn out to be about 4 inches high and smaller. Toys. Bells. Small antique glass bottles. Etc. All lovely, I think! BF was a garbage hoarder. This is why I can’t live w him anymore. He’d buy a litre of Coke, drink ¾ of it, be finished, then instead of throwing ¼ full bottle away, put it in a box or behind something in the living room. For later? I wasn’t allowed to throw them away haha but I still did. Enough cig packs. Later, cig BUTTS! I quit in 2012! And so on until our apt looked like a cross between an older lady who loves The Beatles and some Tasmanian Devil that got in and wrecked the place!
So I put all MY stuff in storage and moved into a studio downtown. He’s somewhere else getting things messy and dirty, no doubt! My point being, there’s all kinds and all levels of hoarding and one must be careful. It’s an emotional attachment and very hard to let go of these things.
NO you’re NTA but you DO need to approach this gently. He must know he’s hoarding these things. (My BF didn’t, Mr Clueless sometimes but I love him lol) Maybe watch some videos about how to approach someone whose hoarding is getting out of control first. Then some on how to begin, and so on. Baby steps. He sounds like a wonderful guy, taking all the things others don’t want/need but he’s hurting himself. I’ll bet he gets depressed, too. I’m 65, I understand 60.
I think the best thing you can do right NOW is look up YouTube videos of hoarding caretakers. Google How to approach a hoarder without shaming. That’s HUGE. It’s a sensitive thing bc they’re emotionally attached to these items. Pro help would really be your best bet IMHO.
Much luck, he needs patience to provide guidance, I think. My own son catches himself accusing me like that (he’s 31 and my paying roommate!) All the best.
ETA: It’s not unusual to get so frustrated with a hoarder relative and scream at them, esp a father (you grew up like this even ifu you don’t live there now, which IDK) bc They can’t see. Everybody has their breaking point. Don’t stress on it, just move fwd and take it slow like I’ve said. 🙂
More information needed – who owns the car?
YTA
It’s possible to be 100% right and still yell at an old man that obviously has a problem, which makes you an asshole.
Talk to your dad, make a repair attempt, mend the relationship, and… donate all that crap to good will (get permission first!).
NTA. Why is he more concerned with his friends than you, his family??