Yeah I fucked up bad.
For context, I (21M), my sister (15F), and my mom (48F) lost our house in a fire 5 months ago and have been pretty much homeless for all that time, only going to our cousin’s place at night to sleep on the floor. In the past week, I have single handedly found us a place, moved everything from our cousin’s place, assembled all the furniture by myself, and a bunch of other things. Her birthday was yesterday, and we fully moved in the day before. She was incredibly crabby yesterday. I asked her repeatedly if she was happy with the place and all I got was "yeah it’s nice." Keep in mind, she’s been literally moping everyday cuz of our situation and begged me to keep looking for a place, and that’s all I got. Over and over. I got angry and just told her that if she was gonna just keep being like that, then why did I do all this for nothing? All I got was an "ehhh." Then I wake up this morning and find out from my sister that her birthday was yesterday and everything makes sense. I dunno how to feel rn, I’ve apologized, hasn’t gone over well. Idk.
Give yourself a break. You all need one.
Question: if your sister knew it was her birthday, and that your mom was upset, why didn’t she just tell you yesterday? Also are you normally super parentified with your Mom treating you more like her husband than her son? Because it feels like her expectation that you be the one to fix everything rather than her helping to fix things is a little wonky.
My father passed away last year so, you kinda hit the nail on the head. Also my sister figured it out today, I don’t blame her. Just a really difficult time for us
NTA
You didn’t fuck up. You took care of your family. It is nice to acknowledge birthdays, but there is no universe in which a birthday can compete in importance with finding housing for your family after a fire. It is entirely understandable that you forgot.
I think you had the right to forget. You managed to find a house, move everything, set it up and get everything sorted, while dealing with everything that comes with losing everything in a fire (you may not be dealing with the paperwork and insurers or whatever but you watched your home burn). Did your mum and sister help with any of it?
You’ve apologised. Your mum is choosing to act like an ungrateful child. Yes it hurts having your birthday forgotten but you were more than a little busy.
My own sibling is terrible with dates. They try, they really do and actively work on it but are still quite forgetful when it comes to dates. I remind them. Your sister could have reminded you. Your mum could have.
You basically gave her a house for her birthday and she’s sulking because you didn’t say the words.
NAH You’re not to blame for having a slip of mind during a high stress situation but it’s understandable that she’s upset because she probably looked forward to this one good thing when you all were going through a hard time. Since this isn’t an equal relationship and she’s your parent I do wish that she’d reminded you about it transparently.
Though correct me if I’m wrong, I’m assuming your younger siblings forgot too right? Is she only upset about it with you or all of you?
NTA people get very odd about birthdays, if it was an honest mistake at a stressful time and if your mom can’t accept that or an apology there’s nothing you can do. Besides some people use their birthday as a guilt trip weapon no matter what. I had an ex that I planned a whole fun day for his birthday I thought it went great and then at the end of the day he mopped anyway because “I didn’t get him a card” …on top of all the other things I did for the day.
NTA. Your family has gone through serious trauma. And while you were hoping that having housing would make an immediate difference, your mom is probably still grieving/overwhelmed. Forgetting her birthday is understandable in this situation. Get her a cake or her favorite dessert. Let her make a big wish for this year.
I hope better times are ahead for all of you.
NAH – emotions are just running hit, you’ve all been through a lot. Sounds like everyone needs a break
I’m sorry first for the loss of your home!!!
Secondly, because your mother is not a very nice person.
It is HER responsibility to be finding a roof for over your heads not yours.
Yes you may be an “adult” in the eye of the law, however you are still her child, NOT her husband/partner.
I’m very proud of you for stepping up!!!
As should she, AND be more greatfull for all that you have done!
You’re not the AH for forgetting her BD, you were a little busy finding a home for you all. SHE NEEDS to grow up!!! Oh and Her attitude should be checked AT THE DOOR, as they say!!!
Best of luck Hun! Also bit of advise, I can understand you wanting to look after your baby sister and your mom, but I think you need to start pulling away, otherwise I’m afraid your mother will rely on you more and more and you’ll be stuck “taking care” of her and taking on responsibilities that DO NOT belong to you!
NTA. She’s feeling overly emotional and sensitive from the fire. Let it pass. Buy a cake and celebrate a belated birthday.