I (32F) think I might be the asshole here, and idk what to do. Also, English is not my first language so please bear with me here.
I’m in a long relationship with my BF. His older brother S (39M) has been with his girlfriend E (39F) for 17 years. They never married and for a long time E told me she didn’t love S anymore and hoped he’d find someone else and leave her. They slept in separate rooms, went out separately, and barely acted like a couple.
My friend G (32F) came back from abroad last year, after leaving a toxic relationship. She was lonely around Christmas so I took her to my boyfriend’s family home where she met S and E. G told me she felt an instant attraction and noticed S and E acted more like distant cousins than partners.
At a New Year’s party, G and S connected a lot. Shortly after that night E told us (unsolicited) that she and S weren’t a couple anymore even though they still lived together. G took that as a green light and S and G started seeing each other. By summer they were basically a couple and he introduced G to everyone.
The problem is S was still living with E for the most part. G kept asking him to make a decision because she didn’t want to be a side chick. S kept saying he loved G but delayed to cut things off with E for good. To be fair, E is very dependent on him because she had two heart surgeriesbduring their relationship so he always took care of her.
Here’s where I messed up. G often asked me to talk to E to find out what was going on so I’d ask questions and report back to G. I thought I was helping but I was inserting myself into their mess. E knows S is seeing someone but ofc she doesn’t know it’s G
S was spending maybe 5 nights out of 7 at G, but a few days ago he went to pick up the last of his stuff from E. Seeing that, E broke down. She also told me she wants him back and regrets everything she said before. Today she even told me she thinks she and S are fixing things and getting back together. She sounded very hopeful and was waiting for him to arrive
I’m shocked. I hope she misunderstood, but I don’t know what S is telling her behind the scenes.
Now I don’t know if I should tell G. She’ll be crushed. But if I stay quiet, is that betrayal? I don’t want anyone to suffer more, but I put myself in this situation by spying and feeding information. I know I’ve made everything worse.
AITA? And what should I do now?
TLDR: My best friend is dating my boyfriend’s brother, who recently moved in with her after leaving his long term partner. I spied on the partner for my friend, and now the partner believes they’re getting back together. I don’t know whether to tell my friend.
YTA, lite. You meant well, but it’s best to let them sort things out.
Nah she’s full on TA and so is her friend who git together with a married man who still lives with his wife. OP encouraged SIL to talk to her with no intent to be any true support. Instead she just used this info to share with her friend. OP is a fucking snake ain’t no lite A about that.
Should BIL/SIL stay together they should go NC with OP – I guess they wouldn’t know but OP is not trustworthy.
You’re on your friend’s side -ok- but how nasty are you to still be talking to SIL with only one purpose….feeding info to friend.
YTA why are you involved and facilitating cheating. if this blows up your bf will probably rightfully leave you too
YTA, it sounds like no one in this whole situation is able to communicate properly with each other?
I’m gonna give random names to everyone because the letters confuse me, so G= Gabby S= Steven and E= Ellen
– Gabby should be able to find out what is going on from her now-boyfriend Steven, not from you spying on Ellen. If that for whatever reason is not possible, she should question this whole new relationship
– Gabby should not have asked you to spy. Likewise, you should not have agreed to this request. But it seems that since you did, Ellen now sees you as a friend and someone she can lean on during this difficult time. So you have a choice to make: are you willing to be this friend for Ellen?
– if yes: you need to be very clear to both Ellen and Gaby that you will not pick sides and stay out of the Steven situation altogether. No picking sides, no being the messenger for anyone, no “spying” on the other
– if no: kindly remove yourself from the Ellen-Steven situation and tell Gabby you can’t spy for her anymore
Also you don’t seem to trust Steven to be honest with Gabby regarding whats going on, which is an major red flag for Steven…
You’re not the villain here but you definitely got pulled too deep into something that wasn’t your responsibility. The real issue is S giving mixed signals to two women at once.The cleanest thing now is to step back from the middle completely. Tell G only the facts you directly heard from E without assumptions or analysis, and make it clear you don’t want to be involved as the messenger anymore. After that, let S and G handle their own relationship.
Everyone sucks here. You’re kinda TAH, not fully as I can see how one gets into such a situation without even noticing. However, once you’ve noticed, you definitely should have started to keep your distance. Also G is kinda AH for wanting this from you, E is in it for her own loss as she basically pushed S away with concerning and maybe even hurtful words, it was her who’s set S free. S sucks for not ending things with E properly and definitevly.
To the issue. I probably wouldn’t be direct, that could be far more damaging rn. I’d ingorm G that the situation became very uncomfortable for you and you don’t want to participate anymore, maybe just mention that E is in regret, but no details. It’s non of your business anyway.
GL.
YTA for using letters instead of made up names. Much harder to follow. Aside from that it’s generally best not to over involve yourself in the live lives of others
YTA, but you know that. You didn’t make any of these adults do anything, but you are basically the tree branch upon which this web of lies, betrayal, and gossiping has built itself. Time for you to do some trimming and remove yourself from the situation. The web will crash, you’ll be found out, everyone will be found out, and you’ll have to deal with that fallout at some point.
The lesson to be learned here is to keep your self out of peoples relationships. Don’t tell G anything else, let E know you’re sorry, but you cannot be a support person for her, and as for S— he can deal with the emotional distress that is to come.
Moving forward, you and your BF will probably be around G and S a lot. Do not talk about E, even if they bring her up. Your boyfriend can talk to his brother about whatever, but do not involve yourself. Maybe find a hobby 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. This is the kind of messy situation that happens when friends become a dating circle.
At this point, you need to talk to S and tell him what you know and then back out. This is his decision – does he feel more strongly for E and only looked elsewhere because E took him for granted? Or does he feel his relationship with E has run its course, and there’s too much hurt from her treating him like it’s been over for an extended period of time — or, his connection with G has just taken off and can’t be ramped down now.
E made it clear to S and everyone that she thought the relationship was over, so her standing to change her mind is limited. But at the end of the day, that decision belongs to S.
Don’t worry about being a “middle person”; in my mind, you didn’t do anything wrong and you only talked to E to try to protect her interests – to make sure that G wasn’t stealing a wanted boyfriend. Everything until now gave you the green light, and the moment you got another signal you stressed about how to appropriately use that info.
Talk to S. And after that, your job is to step back.
This is why you should not get involed in domestics like this.
Okay, I’m renaming everyone as initials annoy me. Emma is regretting her choice and now that someone else wants to play with Simon she wants her toy back. Even if Simon and Emma got back together they would probably be right back here within a year. Emma may also be reading into things which are not there. Leave them to sort this issue. Leave Simon and Gloria to sort their issues unless you think Simon is not a good person.
All that said, YTA. STF out of this unless you need to get involved. At this moment in time you don’t need to get involved so don’t.
You need to stop. These relationships are not yours and you are helping to build up this drama. You have control over your relationships with these people, but not their relationships with each other. YTA for keeping involving yourself.
YTA. Get out of this mess and let them handle it.
Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to answer. If I felt bad before, I feel terrible now but I think I’m supposed to feel like this to learn my lesson. This is the first time I get myself involved in other people’s lives and I deeply regret it. I’ve decided to just do nothing and get myself out of this by detaching. I will be here for G if she needs me and if he really is playing with them both….at some point everyone’s gonna find out by themselves.
Also, sorry for using letters, I didn’t realize it was gonna be confusing. Thank you again.