I (30M) and my non-binary gf (25) is in a long-distance relationship. We planned an out of town trip for 2 days in a famous beach 3 weeks ago. She backed out 2 days ago.
Context:
The company I work for sponsored a year-end assessment and annual planning at this resort / beach for the whole team. The venue they chose is at an island which is around 5-6 hours by bus from where my gf lives. (I live a plane ride away from my gf).
This island is pretty famous and expensive to go to, and both my gf and I haven’t been here. So I asked her if I can extend my stay after the company thing, so we can spend a few days on holiday in the beach resort.
She said yes, go ahead. I asked my company to rebook my flight at my personal expense.
My company finalized the schedule of events and it turns out we will only be busy for the first 3 days (Monday to Wednesday), and that we can be on our own from Thursday to Friday (they leave at Friday, I leave at Saturday).
My gf suggested that she come on Thursday. Since I’m already free that day, I went ahead and booked a hotel for us. It has a grace period for free cancellation 5 days before the check in.
Throughout the week, we’ve been planning om what to do, we kept talking about it snd I was excited and all.
A few days later, she then told me she might be unavailable on Thursday because of a class rescheduling. I said, okay just tell me before the deadline of the free cancellation so I can move the hotel booking.
Then, on the last day of the grace period for the free cancellation, she told me that she won’t make it at all. Why? Because she said yes to attend a conference for an org she works at as an activist.
Note – she said yes to our schedule first but still she accepted the responsibility of attending the conference.
Another note – she said that they tried to look for other people but there were nobody else.
I got mad. The fact that other people can be "unavailable" means other people can decline, which means she can decline. Which means even though we had a plan, she cancelled our plans.
I already paid for the rebooking of my flight + I had to stay at the hotel for the extra day, which means additional costs for me.
More than that, I feel like I was thrown away. We already had prior plans.
When I told her all of this, I feel like she doesn’t understsnd the gravity of what she did. I then said we should have a cool- off. I don’t want to talk to her for a week.
Am I overreacting?
Nta. Cut your losses now. But not talking to her for a week sounds like a form of manipulation. If you’re done, be done. If you don’t want to be done, then talk to her.
NTA. If someone doesn’t respect the first plan they made, I consider that flaky. She’s letting you know you are not a priority. Drop her.
This! For my ex’s and I first date, we planned to go to an event. I paid for the tickets for this event and the night before he told me that he was not going to make it bcuz he wanted to go to a work event. So I had to ask someone else to go with me. Still gave him a second chance and paid for this event a second time. I was a stupid naive girl back then and still dated this guy for a few months 😭
NTA. She may understand and just not care. Too often we mistake uncaring with confusion. I don’t think she is confuse.
NTA
Long distance relationships require extra effort. You are putting it in and she is not. Do with that information what you will. Been married the woman who I had a long distance relationship with for a decade now.
You want to spend a couple days magical rare days with the person you love and she wants to work. She told you where you rank in her priorities.
You’re allowed to be disappointed. NTA.
Long distance sucks. I don’t know why anyone ever does it. Why are you putting yourself through it??
Also, just wondering, you keep saying “gf” but they’re non binary. Are they okay being called that? Or is partner better?
Or ex?
NTA She let you down and showed you what her actual priorities are. She had already made solid plans with you, so she should have told them she was unavailable. Her not getting why what she did wasn’t good is an indication of how (not) thoughtful and considerate she is as a person (when it comes to you, at least).
If a random conference she was asked to attend after others contacted before her said they were unavailable outweighs an already made commitment with you, then how does she even view you and commitments she makes with you? How could she not factor in the time and expense you had already put in to organizing this?
If she thinks this is just fine then of course something like it is going to happen again because this time is an indication of her general attitude to you and commitments with you — as this doesn’t sound like any kind of special emergency — she just thought it would be fine to make the decision to go to the conference as if she were available. I guess in her mind she was.
INFO:
>Because she said yes to attend a conference for an org she works at as an activist.
Does she work for this org (as in “paid employee”), or is she a volunteer?
I don’t know too many paid activists…
NTA, she’s showing you that her work/activism takes priority over you. If you don’t like that (most people wouldn’t) then I suggest you cut your losses and move on.
So you being able to prioritize your work by attending an event is fine and important, yet her obligations are placed on the back burner?
You said to inform you before the grace period ended, which she did..
YTA – and if this trip is one you’d like to take together, then reschedule. Or stay by yourself and enjoy. She tried all the ways she could and simply couldn’t make it work with *her* life responsibilities.
If you’re mad she’s choosing her obligations over your wants, then that’s on you. Moreover, 3 weeks isn’t some longterm plan. It’s the definition of last minute, just as the requirements for the positions she holds were. Throwing a tantrum and getting mad doesn’t shift those priorities.
You are not her priority. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
NTA, but you are if you stay with her.