Friend got engaged a few months before me, after 12 years with her boyfriend (I’ve been with mine 3).
I was excited for her and available to celebrate and plan with her! She asked me to be a bridesmaid.
Since I got engaged, this has not been reciprocated. She cancelled on the day of my engagement celebration, didn’t offer to reschedule, said she was too busy seeing other people / working for weeks.
We have met three times since. She has defensively asked when we are planning to be married, or talked about her own wedding details. My fiances family had a health scare which may make our wedding sooner – she showed no concern but pushed for details on the wedding.
She organised her bachelorette with all the other bridesmaids, planning and aligning on dates for months – I had no idea. The organiser contacted me to say ‘the best day for a 5 day trip abroad is this date – are you in or out?’, with one day notice to opt-in. I can’t make that date – she has now said ‘her bachelorette is as important as the wedding’.
AITA? I feel I am just going about my business, trying to enjoy this moment together. Why the hate?
NTA , the very idea that someone ‘owns’ the year they get married is is ludicrous. So is a days notice to opt into a 5 day bachelorette , even if she thinks it’s as important as the wedding itself, ffs.
Nah, opt out of everything, get married when you want and regard this friendship as pretty well over.
NTA. Be happy, stay positive, shrug off the negatvity. “Why the hate?” The why doesn’t much matter, does it? Pay it no heed.
NTA. Get married on your timeline, not someone else’s.
NTA this friend of yours is a frenemy and kind of evil. Planning the bachelorette around other people’s dates, but not yours is diabolical.
NTA your mate is probably jealous because she had to wait 12 years for her wedding and wants all the attention on her. She doesn’t want any attention on you or your wedding.
Listen to what she is clumsily telling you. She doesn’t want you to be involved in her wedding and she certainly has no interest in yours. Advise her asap you are pulling out as a bridesmaid. She’ll talk shit about you but ignore it. Focus on your own priorities.
My first thought is she’s bitter she didn’t get a ring for 12 years and OP got it in 3.
Also who knows if the engagement was a result of an ultimatum or constant badgering 😬 either way this isn’t how friends behave with each other. Jealousy is a natural emotion but you shouldn’t mistreat others as a result
NTA. And TBH she doesn’t sound like much of a friend. She sounds petty, insecure and competitive.
“she has now said ‘her bachelorette is as important as the wedding’.” No it isn’t. And who the heck has a 5 day trip for a bachelorette. All told, what is the cost to bridesmaids for the honor of being in this wedding spectacular? When people make unreasonable demands on you, time to rethink the friendship.
No. My best friend and I got married a month apart from each other. We were in each other’s wedding. We don’t control the calendar and when other people plan things.
NTA your friend is self-centred and bitter.
One of my best friends got engaged 3 weeks after me (and I was the one who’d been with my partner longer) and I was nothing but excited for her.
We coordinated our events so they didn’t clash and even helped each other plan. This girl is not your friend.
NTA. It sounds like your friend is being selfish and competitive instead of supportive. You’re not doing anything wrong by focusing on your own wedding and plans.
Pull out as bridesmaid asap
she is not your friend. step down and go about planning your wedding. she’s trying to be weirdly competitive. don’t engage.
I’m sorry your friend is not being a friend at all. She is obviously unable or unwilling to share your happiness, expecting everything to be all about her until after her wedding. Though there have always been people like that, I think today’s Instagram, picture perfect, shallow “my esthetic and vision,” “it’s all about me!!!” SM world has amplified that for many.
Seriously, when did it become a thing for brides to feel entitled to entire freaking years? The whole crappy thing about refusing to share “the spotlight” and needing to be the center of attention lest someone “steal my thunder” or “dim my shine” really peeves me off. The year I got married (friends for 2 years, together for 1, engaged for 10 months), one good friend also got married, as did a casual friend in our group. We were all happy to share the fun, along with the stresses, of dealing with wedding planning. That’s what friends do. They celebrate with and for each other.
She is jealous that you are, you know, living your life and moving forward too. And she’s being sneaky and underhanded about it. Planning her bachelorette with everyone but you, giving you one day to agree, and then being angry reeks of selfishness and self absorption. Her bachelorette party is as important as her wedding? Seriously? She may have been with her fiancé for more than a decade, but I wonder if their actual marriage is important to her.
(I have to rant a bit about bachelor/bachelorette parties going from one night or overnight to week long, international extravaganzas costing thousands of dollars per person—plus nonsense like forced matching t-shirts, daily coordinated outfits, and on and on. Just more “If you won’t go into massive debt for me, then you don’t love me” ego tripping, IMO. But then, I am old and got married 40+ years ago.)
At this point, you need to consider whether you want to be in her wedding at all, considering how she is treating you. Does she think she’s “punishing” you or “teaching you a lesson” so that you will beg forgiveness and shelve your own life and needs? Only you can decide how to proceed, but I would simply opt out right about now.
NTA