I (male 16) recently got into a small argument with my mother regarding christmas presents. She believes I got more gifts for my girlfriend (of two years) compared to my family.
For starters i work a weekend job making minimum wage while in school. I have been trying my best to save money for the holidays. While having a weekend job is nice it makes it hard to save money for later. I did my best to find affordable gifts for everyone such as clearance, homemade gifts, and leaning on the cheaper side of things.
Although today i was discussing gifts with my mom and got slightly upset saying she thinks i spent more money on my gf (about 20 gifts in total with some being homemade) and said i should have spent more on my family (such as her, my grandparents and aunt.) They all have about 1-3 gifts with my mom having closer to 10.
I can agree it is not A LOT of gifts for each of them but i found it quite difficult to shop for them as i found it easier to shop for my gf. That doesn’t mean i didn’t try. I bought what i thought they’d like in my price range.
I told her i felt bad but i couldn’t afford it and her response was she told me to pick up a second job. with me being in school i felt it would leave no time for myself and my hobbies. I also believe it would only hurt my grades as i don’t feel like i have enough time as is.
I wouldn’t think too much into this whole thing but since me and my gf got together she has been weird towards her and i can’t help but feel it’s another personal attack on my gf.
i would like to know if i should have spent more on my family or if im justified in my reasoning.
AITA?
NTA. You’re 16. And it sounds like a lot of gifts to me. Your mom clearly has issues with your GF “taking her baby away.” It’s common. She’ll eventually get over it. Just keep up the healthy boundaries in case she doesn’t.
Umm… are you buying 20 gifts for 1 person? and your mom gets 10 gifts? And your mom is upset? It’s not up to your mom where you spend your money – and honestly, 1 gift per person is more than sufficient. You are 16 and in high school, your weekend job is not to fund Christmas for everyone. You are NTA but your mom sure is… she told you to get a second job? Does she only care about gifts and not about your education or your ability to be a kid at 16? I mean, honestly maybe reality check for everyone, 1 gift per person, you can cap your spending at like $20; no one expects a 16 year old with a weekend only job to be buying expensive or multiple gifts for them and if they are expecting it, they are the AH.
Sorry what? Mom’s complaining about you NOT buying enough gifts? She sounds greedy …. get another job? Maybe she needs to learn to appreciate and not Expect! NTA
NTA. She told you to get a second job so you can get more gifts for the family? That’s delusional. Maybe next year, don’t tell her (or let her see) how many gifts you get for your gf. That’s none of her business.
NTA
NTA
Put mom on an info diet when it comes to things like this – especially anything regarding GF.
“Are you done shopping and wrapping?” – Yes, all set.
“How many gifts did you get for everyone?” – You’ll have to wait and see.
Her opinion on how much you choose to spend on whom is just that – an opinion. Everyone has one and they usually stink. Give the gifts because you want to, not because they’re expected. Obligations & gifts are 2 separate things.
NTA. You are a hard working thoughtful young man. Of course you’re going to spend more on your gf. Amount doesn’t matter and your mom shouldn’t make you feel badly about it.
I’m in the same situation except I’m the mom. My similar-aged son spent time choosing gifts for his gf and her family, using his pt job earnings. Good for him!
Keep up the good work. You’re a gem.
NTA but is this for real? Your mom told a 16 year old child to get a second job to buy more presents for aunts and uncles?
Omg! Why are you buying 20 gifts for anybody. Or 10 for your mother. Your mother sounds awfully selfish. But more than that, you just need to cut back on what you buy. Perhaps buy a little nicer gifts but fewer. There’s nothing wrong with spending money on your girlfriend. Perhaps your mother was concerned that you weren’t getting enough for your grandparents or something. But frankly, just get one gift each. Grandparents generally don’t need a lot, and are happy to have a framed picture of you or something like that.
There is a saying “it’s the thought that counts” that’s absolutely right. It’s not the number of things, it’s the thought you put into them and how much the person will enjoy receiving it.
I don’t think your mother is helping you much and teaching you how to give gifts properly. The gift you give someone should always be something you can afford, something you’ve put some thought into, and something you think the person will like. Quantity should never matter.
NTA. Your mom is unreasonable.
Firstly, if you’re studying hard at school and keeping your grades up, AND you’re holding down a weekend job, AND you’re managing to have a social life and enjoy your hobbies on top of that, then you’re getting a lot done with your time. Kudos to you for that.
I agree with you that having a second job is a terrible idea. Right now, you’ve got study, paid work, socializing, hobbies, and sleep all finely balanced. A second job would mean something would have to give, and that would probably be your grades. If not, it would be your sleep time, which is as important as anything else and giving it up would be detrimental to your health. At 16 I was in my senior year of school and I was so busy studying, I didn’t have time for anything else at all, so you’re doing better than I did at your age.
Secondly, at 16, regardless of whether you have a weekend job or not, you should not be *expected* to buy Christmas gifts for extended family. Teenagers on minimum wage barely earn enough to buy things for themselves. If you want to and can afford to buy presents for extended family, fine, but no one should be expecting it. Your mom is being ridiculous. (And are you saying you gave grandma and aunts one to three gifts each and you gave your mom TEN gifts? And STILL she thinks you should be giving more?)
Thirdly: *since me and my gf got together she has been weird towards her and i can’t help but feel it’s another personal attack on my gf.* My gut feeling is that you’re right, and the key word here is “another”. There’s obviously a history here which you haven’t told us, and reading between the lines, I get the impression your mother is deeply resentful of your girlfriend for (the way she sees it) taking her son away from her. I suspect that if you didn’t have a girlfriend, and were spending the exact same amount on your extended family as you are now, your mom wouldn’t comment.
So you are definitely NTA. To minimize conflict in future, I would recommend having as few conversations as possible with your mother about how you spend your money, especially as it relates to your girlfriend. Put her on an information diet.
Now, having said all that, I’m going to say something that might sound like I’m dumping a bucket of cold water on you, but I’m actually not. I’m just being pragmatic. And it’s this: Most of us look back fondly at our teenage romances, to a very sweet time in our lives when we were learning to navigate relationships. Generally, they’re pretty good memories. But realistically, the vast majority of teenage relationships don’t last.
I’m old enough to be your grandmother. I’ve witnessed many hundreds of relationships, and had a few of my own. I know of only one couple (one of my siblings and their partner) who met in high school, were a couple by 16, and are still together 50 years later. It IS possible, but it’s vanishingly rare.
So even though your girlfriend means so much to you right now and you feel as though you want to spend everything on her and buy her all the gifts in the world, try and keep a level head about it. People grow, and change, and often they change in different directions. You will not be the same person at 21 as you were at 16, and neither will she. With luck, you will have grown in the same direction and still be compatible. But don’t count on it. Statistically, the odds are against you. Enjoy it while it lasts, and I do hope it lasts a good long time. But please don’t elevate THIS relationship above everyone and everything else that is important to you. Your relationship with her is making you happy, but it shouldn’t be the only source of happiness and meaning in your life.
Good luck.
i really appreciate all your kind words happy holidays and thank you💚
I thought that you were going to say that mom told you to spend less overall and save some, not get a second job and get more gifts. I wish that I could tell you to get a new mom!