Ok I am horrified to post this, but need an outsiders perspective and I can’t handle the mortification of actually asking someone I actually know. This is less an ‘am I the asshole’ and more ‘is this as bad as I remmember it being?’
About two years ago my friend Kate (22F) and I (21F) got invited to a halloween party. (At that point it was 20F and 19F)
We were both starting out at college, but she went to an ‘early college’ high school for this exact uni, so she already knew everyone. All that to say, the party was hosted by Kate’s friend.
I’ve never had many friends – my high school was just a four year long bully fest – but I knew I was liked outside of school, so I decided college would be a big change for me. I moved, picked a school and it kind of worked. The bullying meant, I had nearly no social skills or experience, but I think my enthusiasm and false bravado sufficed just enough to be reasonably well liked.
At that point I had never been invited to a party before so I was really excited – got a costume and everything. But when the day came and I was already on my way, Kate texted me that she wouldn’t be making it. It was proper last minute. She had a stomach ache or some shit? So I either had to turn around a 40$ taxi or go to a party where I didn’t know Anybody.
I decided I’d tough it out not to waste money. Right of the bat it was akward and nobody really seemed happy that I was there – myself included – so when more people started coming I got way too drunk to ease my nerves. It actually helped a bit with the socializing and one thing lead to another and I had like three people I was making out with. This wasn’t good, it turns out.
I was in a fuge state, drunk off my gord. Some girls and guys were squeezing my ass and tits and that was a new situation, so I thought I should do it back. But the girl laying next to me that I gave a pat on the butt to, it turned out, WASN’T a part of this. People were, like, coming and going for drinks and snacks every once in a while, so when she laid down next to me I didn’t really look, just assumed she was one of the girls I’d been involved with.
She wasn’t and got really upset. I only realized my mistake later because she specifically went back to tell me. I was, obviously, mortified and I apologized profusely until the next day. We kind of made up – I mean she didn’t seem any less angry, but she accepted my apology. By the next time they were planning Next Years, I was removed from the party groupchat.
I though it was harsh but alright. It was their choice and I’d take the L, I did mess up even if it was an accident. When I asked Kate about it and if I should do anything else to apologize, she said she didn’t hear that much about it. Just that I went kinda wild but that it was no problem.
The reason I’m writing this now is – i don’t really talk to Kare anymore and I recently found out that this party was a part of the reason why. (The other part was that she thought I was hitting on her. I wasn’t – I’m just gay.)
So please tell me, is this as bad as I remmember it being?
YTA. Being drunk does not excuse you from responsibility for your actions. I wouldn’t have someone that gets drunk and acts that way at a party either. Yeah, it’s bad. Live and learn.
YTA
Actions are what define whether you are an AH or not. You are just as responsible for your actions while drunk.
You sexually assaulted someone. Of course that makes you an AH. Before you pat someone’s butt, you get consent. You don’t assume they are who you think they are without looking.
Yeah that makes sense. I’ve felt really bad about that one party for two years now and that wouldn’t be the case if it wasn’t actually as bad as it seemed. I just don’t know what to do about it now. I want to fix that somehow or make up for it, if not for Kate then just because it was a stupid and wrong mistake to make
Sometimes the damage is done and there is nothing you can do to repair that.
What you can do is learn from it, so that you aren’t an AH next time in a similar situation.
From what I read…
* don’t use alcohol as a crutch in social situation.
* limit your alcohol level to a happy buzz, don’t get out of control.
* look before you touch and make sure you know who it is.
YTA
We all know that super sloppy friend at parties. Take the L and for the next few parties, don’t drink. While you only remember making out with 3 people and grabbing people’s butts, you were almost certainly also being loud and obnoxious.