For chores my girlfriend and I split them evenly. Some chores we alternate who does them, some only she does and some only I do. Cooking is mainly done by me but sometimes it’s both of us if it’s a meal with a lot of different pans. For the dishes we alternate days.
I work from home and my gf works from the office. She recently mentioned that her colleague asked why I don’t have food ready every night for her getting in.
I pointed out she gets in at least an hour before we actually eat so it wouldn’t make sense anyway. She’s now started going to see her mum after work and messaging me asking if I’ll do food for her getting back.
At the weekend I told her if she was going to expect me to cook pretty much every night then she can be the one doing chores each night. I said it’s not fair to alternate the chore when she’s now expecting me to do pretty much all of the cooking.
She said that wasn’t fair as I don’t mind cooking whereas neither of us like doing the dishes. I just said it’s completely fair since I’m the one cooking for us.
I pointed out she’s expecting to do less chores but not make up for it anywhere and she can either do her share of the cooking or she can do the dishes each night.
She said she shouldn’t be punished for going to see her mum but I just said that’s exactly what she’s doing to me. She’s deliberately staying out later to get out of doing any cooking so she can do the dishes instead.
AITA for expecting my partner to do the dishes every night?
We have a general rule in our family, the cook, be it husband, mom, sister, brother, kids old enough … Everyone else does the dishes.
It’s like the I’ll buy if you fly rule.
I’ll cook you clean or vs versa.
NTA. Just have dinner cooked (for 1) and eat early and have the dishes washed by the time she gets home.
NTA
She’s playing games by going to her mom’s. It’s obvious she’s trying to manipulate you into cooking. I would have a problem with that.
NTA, because this isn’t really about cooking versus chores. The reality is, you and your GF had a good household management system and dining schedule that was working for you and now she’s let her nosy coworker convince her that it needs to change. So she’s going out of her way to visit her mom and start arguments to ensure that happens. She’s TA for allowing her colleague to dictate how your relationship should work.
NTA. Cohabiting is about working together. That’s why it’s so important to do this before legally committing to long-term relationships.
I think the break down happened when you acknowledged her suspicion that doing the dishes was punishment for visiting her mum. The fact is, the dishes need to get done.
It would be unfair to have you both cook AND be responsible for the dishes. If she hates having to do the dishes every night, then make it fair again. If she does the cooking then, you will do the dishes. If she “needs to” visit her mom, then okay. Responsibilities still need to be maintained.
She’s an adult, she needs to manage her time on her own.
NTA. We absolutely have a rule that if one person cooks, the other cleans- within reason (like obviously I will help on Thanksgiving even though I do the majority of the cooking!). We usually just help each other. Maybe you can phrase it a different way. Instead of saying “I cook you clean. Period”. You can say it like “on nights that you go see your mom and I cook- you’ll be responsible for dishes. on nights that you cook, I’ll be at the sink!”. She needs to understand there is a tradeoff. Me personally, if I was going to see my mom every night and coming home late, I’d occasionally offer to pick something up for us on the way . Everyone eats and no dishes 🙂
Maybe there is a compromise. She visits her mom 3 days a week: one day you cook, she cleans. One day she cooks, you clean. One day she picks up food on her way home.
NTA, it’s clear manipulation.
NTA. If she expects you to cook every night, of course she should do the dishes. It’s unfathomable that she didn’t offer, and now she’s pushing back on your reasonable request.
NTA if you were alternating tasks and now she found a loophole to eliminate a task for her, she needs to pick another chore. Our house rule is if you cook you don’t do dishes. I don’t like don’t like doing either but guess what, we all have to eat and we all have to clean, it’s called adulting.
NTA She’s acting like a child. Chores aren’t punishment.
And I think their colleague who started all the bs is the true A H here.
NTA. The cook does not do cleanup, but is expected to use only a rational amount of dishes and try to keep down on the mess. The cook should be involved in putting away leftovers and ingredients.
But the dishes should be done by someone else.
In my house, we wash dishes by hand (personal preference). I cook most evenings, my wife does dishes. My wife cooks big fancy breakfasts on the weekend, so I do the dishes.
Just cook your own dinner and let her worry about hers. She’s manipulating you and I think her thinking is that you’re home anyway you should have dinner ready for her. If you’re going to have dinner ready for her every night she can do the dishes every night.