So this might sound stupid but I (19M) have been dating my boyfriend (19M) for about a year. Overall, he’s kind, supportive, and means well…but there’s one thing that’s becoming a huge issue for me.
For some background knowledge he doesn’t have the best parents in the world for most of his childhood he cleaned I’m not going to go into much more detail than that because that is his private information
But He cleans constantly. And I don’t mean “normal levels of tidy.” I mean if a dish touches the sink, he grabs it. If I put laundry in a basket, he starts the washer. If I’m Banking and there’s a slight mess on the counter he’ll start cleaning up or when I make us dinner his main priority is cleaning up instead of eating real quick and then cleaning up the food goes cold all the time and every time I have to tell him " can we just eat real quick"
At first, I thought it was sweet he’s tidy, organized, and likes a clean place. But over time, it’s started to feel… suffocating. I can’t do anything before he beats me to it, or “fixes” it afterward. Like I can never do anything right
It’s gotten to the point where I feel hopeless and incompetent in my own home. I’ll try to help and he’ll either redo it immediately or do it before I get to it even though I’m the one that made the mess and should clean it
I always picked up after myself even before I met him I clean up any mess that I have created and I will always keep my house tidy so it’s not like I’m a dirty person by any means
Today, I was in the shower. And the house needed to be clean and I thought I would ask him to clean it together play some music and have some time to clean up but as soon as I got out it was already super clean I just wanted to help him this once instead of feel unuseful I’m feeling like all I do is sit around and do nothing
I snapped and told him, why can’t you just leave things as it is? Why can’t you just not clean all the time and I left
Now he’s upset and I heard him throw things around the house and when I went to go check on him and he’s telling me he doesn’t know why I’m upset
So AITA for getting upset that my boyfriend cleans everything before I can and makes me
NAH.
OP, you mention your boyfriend has a past. As someone with scholastic and personal background in this, has your boyfriend every sought support with this past? Have you ever calmly approached him and asked why he feels he must clean immediately, and whether it bothers him – or bothers him not to immediately clean? Does he have a therapist or has he ever?
I cannot diagnose anyone, nor can you, but do you have any familiarity with obsessive-compulsive disorder?
I’m raising this only to suggest it’s possible his cleaning patterns are a response he uses to distract from or cope with something else, for example. Or something he may secretly wish he could change. It may not be a reflection on how he views you/your cleanliness.
Calm down, deep breath, and have a open talk and try and listen to each other.
Honestly I’m not sure this is real, but if it is real in going to say NAH. Your boyfriend being unreasonable but it sounds like he was abused growing up so I’m not willing to label him an AH. To him what he is doing is normal because it’s how he was raised. Not saying it is normal/ok, since it seems to be done to his detriment (not taking time to eat food) and suffocating you.
I have no idea. But this reads to me like ‘my boyfriend has ocd and I yelled at him for cleaning’. Maybe I’ve just read to many AITA’s though.
NAH This sounds like he might have abuse induced OCD. I’d suggest very carefully and gently talking to him about his prioritisation of cleaning over everything else. There’s a good chance he hates it too. Talk to him, try to be understanding that this might be a kind of mental illness (I also have ocd) and try to find a solution together, this will be hard.
YTA.
Your bf was abused. What he is doing is based on what he was raised to believe is normal. None of what he is doing is meant as an attack on you and your tidiness habits.
Instead of getting upset at him, you should instead be supporting him to seek therapy for help with compulsions and trauma left from his childhood. In doing so, you can aid him as he heals. The side effect of his healing will likely be him loosening the reins on cleaning.
In the meantime, perhaps split the other chores largely in your favor. If he cleans instantly, you cook, bank, budget, go grocery shopping, keep plants alive, handle pet care, etc. Enough of those will balance out so you feel equal in chores, and like neither partner is useless.
I grew up with an OCD mom so I understand the suffocating feeling of everything being cleaned. exploding was out of the blue for him especially since cleaning for someone is pretty commonly considered a nice deed. I think you guys need to sit down and have a genuine conversation on how the habits make you feel and suggest potential ways to get professional help since you mentioned a past trauma related to it. There is hope my mom (while still by all means still a clean freak) is a TON better now than when I was a kid. My sister and dad never got through to my mom because they approached topics through yelling while I would remain calm in heated arguments which really stuck with her apparently
NTA your feelings are your feelings. I Think instead of storming out you need to set some reasonable limits. Something like “It is important to me that we sit down and eat together when the food is hot. We can do dishes after eating.” I would sit down and have a talk with him about his OCD or compulsive behaviour or whatever it is and tell him that he needs to seek counceling. If he ever plans on having kids he will have to be okay with things being out for kids to play with. His level of cleaning isn’t tidy -it is compulsive.
YTA. Obviously you know why he’s like this and it doesn’t sound like whatever happened to him was great. I would sit down and discuss it. You’re both 19, seek out couples therapy or have him go solo. But yelling at him and storming out won’t fix things.
NAH
Sounds like your bf needs therapy. And you need to learn to communicate better (you can’t get mad at him for not reading your mind that you wanted to share chores with him).
NAH. Your frustration is reasonable, and while your boyfriend is over the top, he is meaning well.
If this relationship is going to survive, you are going to have to come to an agreement on household chores.
He probably has OCD. He’s young, so without help/support understanding OCD, he’s unable to just switch it off. Cleaning with music sounds good to you, but to him cleaning isn’t fun, it’s a drive he can’t control. Do some research, get some help, and be patient with each other. NTA
YTA let him do what he wants since it benefits both of you. Next time start before him if it is a contest and you need to win the cleaning race.
NAH. He either does this as a trauma response to his childhood or he has developed OCD.
I grew up in a really messy home and while I have a strong feeling I want to keep things clean and minimal my sister went extreme with this and would be constantly be putting away things and clean.
I also have a boyfriend that we thought had OCD for the longest time, he would clean constantly and intensly like your boyfriend does. Turns out he is just an anxious person and does things a certain way to sooth himself.
I would talk to him about how you feel and that it is affecting your self-esteem. Maybe counseling would be helpful for him, he doesn’t seem at peace and that is hard to constantly feel. I have also felt the same way you do but have come to an understanding that it’s usually never about the mess around them or me as a persons lack of intense cleaning. This isn’t about you, it’s about him.