Throwaway account as my husband knows my regular account. My husband and I have lived in our house for a few years now, based in a major travel hub in the Midwest. Because of the fact that it is a city where many pass through or fly out of for travel, we tend to get friends and family that stay the night before carrying on with their travels. I’m fine with this, as long as a proper heads up is given (I would consider this a few days).
However, 3-5 times a year, my husband’s friends and family seem to want to just drop in and use our home as an overnight hotel. There have been numerous instances where my husband will let me know the day of that he has friends or family that are wanting to stay the night. Keep in mind, these are trips that were pre-planned, and that they knew were happening for multiple weeks. Rather than checking in a few days or weeks prior and asking if it was okay, it’s assumed that it’s okay to just drop in. This drives me absolutely crazy and gives me huge anxiety. We’re not a household that stays "guest ready", every time someone drops in with a few hours’ notice, it takes us a few hours to get the house ready, make up the beds, and buy a few essential grocery items to get us through breakfast (we eat out almost exclusively, so we don’t always have milk/bread/eggs etc.).
Most recently, my husband messaged me while I was in a meeting around noon that SIX of his family members are staying the night because their flight is getting in around 11 PM. This is a trip that has been planned for months, and this could have been pre-planned and agreed upon many weeks ago. Even a day ago would have been better than this! I was not in on the trip details, so was not aware of when they were coming home, just that they were going on a trip sometime in January.
I’ve had numerous discussions that over time have become instant arguments with my husband that I don’t feel comfortable with people just dropping by, I didn’t grow up that way, and my home is my safe place; I don’t want to feel on edge dreading when the next drop in will occur. I work a full time, demanding job and am also in school, so I really value having time to decompress. It seems like it’s a cycle, we have a conversation where he tells me someone unexpectedly is staying, we argue, and then depending on the situation I begrudgingly cave and the scrambling begins *or* I put my foot down, piss off my husband and come off the asshole to friends and family.
At this point, I can’t tell if I’m being too rigid and need to be more flexible and welcoming, or if this is a reasonable boundary. AITA?
NTA. This is absolutely insane. You need to establish a hard line with your husband: No advanced notice, they can get a hotel. They’re not staying here. You will throw their suitcases out on the street if you need to. And be ready for a big fight about it. I hate to be “relationship conspiracy guy” but I’m wondering if your husband DOES know about this stuff on a reasonable timeframe but just tells you last minute as some kind of weird power trip.
NTA.
Both your husband and his family/friends are taking advantage of you.
Instead of repeating the same arguments, I suggest the following:
1. Establish your minimum required notice. I suggest 48 hours.
2. If you are given 48 hours notice, prepare as before.
3. If you are not given 48 hours notice, do NOTHING to prepare.
4. Head out to a hotel room for yourself.
EDIT to ADD: It’s not clear here whether these guests are giving your husband last-minute notice, or he is told in advance and forgets to tell you. It doesn’t matter. This will get him to either remember to let you know, or to tell his family to tell you directly. Or in the case of true last minute requests, it’s his choice of whether to take care of the hospitality himself, or be the one to say NO to his family.
If he just isn’t hearing you and these friends/relatives don’t give a damn cause its a free ‘hotel’, then let it be. That is, leave the house as is (no clean-up), don’t do any food shopping just for them (let ’em go hungry, or they can order in). I’ll be damned if I would disrupt my routines just cause hubby wants to play the great host. F-that! If possible, I’d be out and about until my bed time and they can fend for themselves. And yes, I’d let them know each and every time, that its rude to just drop in on people; they forgot to call and schedule this drop-over with YOU. And I’d have a small bag packed in case I just wanted to stay at a hotel when they come…and let hubby and them know it would be great if THEY stayed overnight at a hotel, so they wouldn’t be disrupting you.
NTA. Don’t buy groceries, clean or make the beds for last minute guests. Your husband will get sick of doing it all himself.
Definitely this .
Just sit back, put your feet up and if anyone asks for anything say – hubby said he would take care of his guests/ hubby will get it for you
But seriously, don’t help him or them. Don’t help and also don’t share. Make single meal for you. Put your bathroom toiletries in your room.
It will actually be difficult at first. But once you start saying no, momentum will build behind you and it’ll be much easier
This. His guests his problem
NTA, but in future make it his problem – he can scramble and not involve you
NTA – Tell your husband what groceries he needs to pick up on his way home. And that you expect him to make the beds. You, pick up a bottle of wine and prepare to enjoy the evening watching him take care of HIS family.
NTA. Don’t make the house “guest-ready.” They can make their own beds, go out for breakfast, etc. Take it off your shoulders; you are not operating a B&B.
Don’t prepare. If your house is messy, let it stay messy. Definitely let it slip that you didn’t have time to prepare.
NTA. I’d be at a hotel tonight. Until he realizes the work involved, nothing will change.
INFO: are these friends/family springing this on husband too or does he also know, but just telling YOU last minute.
You have put your foot down before, now stick to it. Sit on the couch while he runs ragged for the people who LAND at 11pm and will likely be at your house in the middle of the fucking night.
Or if you work tomorrow? I’d head to a hotel myself. With a spa.
Their lack of forethought does not make an emergency for you.
NTA though. 💯 Your husband is also an asshole
Your husband knew they were coming, your husband can grocery shop and make beds. If he wants you involved in that domestic labour you need more than an hours notice. No arguments. Don’t engage with him, tell him since he kept the. Info to himself, he better get it sorted himself.
Enjoy your evening doing something else. NTA
I’d just book a hotel for myself for the night and ler him deal with it. Bet it would be the last short notice ever?
This guy didn’t have to face the consequences of his dealings because OP just “caved” everytime to save face.