Players in this ongoing Drama
Me- obvious (28)
Rick- Boyfriend (24)
Ilana- friend/roommate (23)
Frank- Friend (23)
To start- I have been essentially the guardian of Ilana for almost 5 years now. Her home life was not the best, so when I moved states and she turned 18 I invited her to move with me. Together with some others we started a new life together and I tried to teach her the life skills she needed.
Flash forward to now. Several apartments and situations later we’ve made it through thick and thin. I’ve grown up, tried to get my own life together and become a fully independent adult. Ilana has not. Admittedly, I’ve babied her. I handled everything because whenever I tried to hand her responsibility she messed up big time. She couldn’t even keep a job more than 9 months, and hasn’t had one for 6.
When Rick came into my life, he started opening my eyes to what’s been going on. The weaponized incompetence. The mooching. And the decline in my mental health I’ve been trying to deny.
Finally at the end of February, I told Ilana along with friends to support us both, that she needs to be out by the end of March (with flexibility so long as she has a place/job lined up).
And for the past week I’ve been trying to help her with more intense job hunting and locating apartments within a reasonable budget.
In comes Frank- a long time friend of mine and Ilana. Frank lives in another state not sure how relevant that is. Frank is of the deepest opinion that I’m a heartless person for only giving Ilana a month. That it’s unreasonable. But in my eyes- I’ve given her YEARS to buck up. She’s been unemployed for over six months now. She’s been given more than enough time.
So AITAH?
Edit to Add: Frank has probably been enabling Ilana to stay unemployed as well. He has been buying her takeout almost any time she asks and even an expensive ticket to an event she wanted to go to while she’s been unemployed. I will add. I’ve benefited on the rare occasion from this (a meal for me, some grocery money), but overall it’s just her.
He says she can’t move in with him because he lives rent free with his mom, who ADORES Ilana.
NTA. A month isn’t coming out of nowhere — it’s after five years of you basically carrying her. At some point helping turns into enabling, and it sounds like that’s where this ended up. You’re even helping her look for jobs and places, which is more than most people would do.
NTA as long as you’re giving the legally required amount of time for an eviction. Frank can pay her rent if he’s so concerned. However
“…I’ve been trying to help her with more intense job hunting and locating apartments within a reasonable budget.” Gives me pause. If by help you mean giving her advice or showing her how to do this ok. Not great because she’s had 5 years to learn adulting. If you mean actually doing the job and apartment searching for her YTA for continuing to enable her.
NTA, as I assume you won’t just kick her into the street if she’s headed in the right direction but needs more time. She needs incentive to get out of the nest. I do think you should have been talking with her about this before now, it does come off as abrupt. If Frank is so concerned, however, he can help her.
See that’s the thing too. Frank refuses to financially attach to her (which is fair). He also refuses to leave his own nest too but that’s another can of worms. He’s been rent free at his parents his entire life.
Nta tell franck you are happy he thinks she should move in with him
Exactly what I was going to say
NTA.. please let Frank know she is free to move in with him whenever
I tried suggesting this and his argument is “I live with my mom, it’s her choice”. His mom has met Ilana and ADORES her. And could even possibly help Ilana learn her career (something Ilana would be pretty good at tbh!!)
So have Ilana ask Frank’s mom direct and bypass him (does she have room for her?).
omg a month is actually super generous considering how long you’ve already been helping her out.. most landlords only give like 2 weeks notice.
NTA
You have been responsible for her much much longer than most people would be. Its sad for her she has had a difficult home life growing up, but she has had 5 years to get herself together. To continue supporting her financially, emotionally, and mentally is enabling her immature and dependent behavior and is not in her best long term interest.
Its not that hard to get and keep a job. Standards are very low these days. So for her not to have found a job in 6 months is because she doesn’t want to work.
If frank feels she needs more time, he is welcome to take her on as a project but you have gone above and beyond the expectation for helping a friend and you need to focus your time, energy, effort, $$ on your own life.
If she were being as good a friend to you, as you are to her, she would want to move out and become responsible for herself. It isnt your role in life to be responsible for her bad choices, lack of direction, lack of ambition, and lack of accountability. She is old enough to be responsible for herself. If she doesnt want to be, then she needs to move back home, even if it wasnt an ideal environment. Or move in with frank since he is so concerned about it.
Don’t let her or frank guilt you into letting her stay. Even if she gets mad and says the friendship is over. If its over because of this, that is confirmation the friendship is one sided and she has been using you, as hard as it is to hear that. Because if she were truly your friend she wouldn’t want to burden you with being responsible for her, she would want to be responsible for herself.
NTA
But you also to protect yourself. Check the actual tenant laws for your area, and give her a formal WRITTEN notice for the expected date
You may have to actually evict her
Oh I hadn’t thought of that… it’s only 5 days into March. If needed to formally give her a written 1 month extending her time to April 5th is something I can be flexible about.
NTA – she’s a grown-ass adult. She’s not your kid, not your responsibility.