My (41f) bff (soon to be 40) is having her birthday March 28th.
I have wanted to do something for her birthday and have been asking her if I could plan something, or if she had something planned. Or could I help.
I was alway told by her, I dont have the ability to do or think about it. She has a busy job and very busy kid life.
Again, I said, I could.plan everything. She declined, saying she would rather do it herself.
December rolls around. I asked her again, hey, what are we going to do. She repeated, she doesn’t know. At this time I let her I can plan something for her, but my fiance wants to go on a trip in March as well. She is my number one, but I would need to know by end of December. (I have to book time out of my schedule a head of time). Start of January rolls around, I bring it up again. She told me to book a trip with him and have a great time.
At this time I told her I would plan a girls trip/late bday for her in June when things calmed down for her.
Here is the a-hole part. Today she texts me saying there is a show she wants to see on her bday. I let her know, unfortunately I will not be in town. I’m really sorry. She got quite upset with me that I made plans on her 40th, when we have been talking about it for months. She says now she is hurt and upset and needs space to process.
Im a little lost, since she told me to book my trip. And I thought we had an understanding.
From an outside view, did I read this situation wrong? AITA for this?
NTA and this woman is going to be 40 acting 16. Give her her space and enjoy your trip.
Your friend should have been more accommodating while you were trying to lock down plans for her birthday. Or – she could have been honest that an event was more realistic than a whole vacation/trip… However, I find it hard to believe that the *only* time you and your fiancé could get away was on her actual birthday weekend.
NAH here. Just crappy communication and the reality of trying to maintain friendships in different stages of life.
Nah the friend is TA
Unfortunately it is the only time. He works a job that is 20 days away and 10 home. He is working extra hours in January and February to save up.
We talked further, and truly it did come down to crappy communication and balancing busy lives.
NTA. According to you, these were her words: “**\[B\]ook a trip with him and have a great time.”**
You should remind her that she told you not to worry about it, that you should book the trip with your fiancé and have great time. That she is now playing the victim tells me you’re more into the friendship than she is. In other words, she may be YOUR number one, but it seems like you’re not her number one.
explain to her you asked over and over like a broken record for months and then tells u to go ahead and book your trip! she has no recourse to be upset after that.
One of my best friends missed my wedding because she was in Hawaii playing roller derby. Another missed my 50th because she was in Greece getting pregnant.
You are NTA and she is a child. “The special day” is just another day.
I don’t think your friend is behaving reasonably. However, you sound quite annoying as a friend. Trying to railroad someone into putting a plan together for their 40th because you’re impatient is just annoying. You didn’t know what she wanted to do for her birthday, but you do know when her birthday is. You clearly have an understanding between you that birthdays are a huge deal, for whatever reason. So why could you not have just left that weekend free, and allowed her time to make the plan she clearly told you she wanted to make herself? Her birthday is still 3 months away ffs.
I don’t think missing a friend’s birthday should be a big deal, but for you two it obviously is. So you’ve just been incredibly annoying by pecking at her until she told you to stop, and now it seems like you made alternative plans to somehow teach her a lesson about keeping up with your need to plan months in advance.
This all sounds exhausting and YTA for being ridiculously impatient.
Your reply is valid.
I was probably a bit annoying with asking. And when I saw she didnt have the capacity to plan or book something, I offered to do it on her behalf because I thought it was important to her. When she told me to do my own thing, I assumed she didn’t want a big deal any more. This is where I struggle if I’m an asshole, for assuming it was fine and book a trip with the time I had off instead of just leaving it off and waiting to see if she would want to do anything.
As for locking things down months in advance. We both have incredibly demanding work (with limited time off )and home lives. If we don’t plan things months in advance, it doesn’t happen due to being unable to take off work or demands with kids schedules.
I appreciate your feedback.
Thanks
Share her response telling you to go ahead and book with her and say something like: I am gutted that I can’t go now that you want to do something. When you told me to go ahead and book, I understood that meant you didn’t want to do something wjth me on those dates. can we book the show or something else for X date instead?
I really like and appreciate your script. I actually did talk further with her about it. She didn’t fully understand that the trip would fall on her bday weekend because that would be the only spand of days my partner has off. Work 20 days on and 10 off.
We actually decided to go for dinner on a different date and then im planning us a girls trip in June