Hi! Throwaway account because I have friends on reddit. I (27F) have always loved solo travel. At home in the States, I’m generally the "mom friend" of the group–I’m always hosting things, cooking for people as a source of comfort, people also call me the "therapy friend," that sort of thing. In my 20s I’ve come to love traveling, and I discovered early on that solo travel is my favorite way to experience a new place. I love the freedom of doing exactly what I want, when I want, without taking care of anyone else or having to compromise plans. It also makes it easier to meet new people and have some adventures.
Last year, a good friend group of mine from college planned a trip to Spain together. I told them I was really touched they invited me along, but I’d already been planning a solo trip to Spain and they know about my preference for solo travel. However when I did end up going to Spain myself last year, my old college roommate (27M) decided to tag along last minute. This caused the other friend group to get really annoyed with me, and I tried to explain that my college roommate is very similar to me in how he travels–he does his own thing, he doesn’t expect us to coordinate anything together, the only time we linked up was when we coincidentally wanted to do the exact same activity at the same time.
This friend group tried to argue that for daytime activities, I could’ve done my own thing with them too… so I told them my second reason was because this friend group was all women, and they’re big on traveling as a pack for safety (especially at night). Since my college roommate is a guy, we each felt safe to do our own thing. I personally am willing to take my chances traveling solo as a woman–I’ve trained in martial arts/self-defense since I was 16, I think I generally have good instincts, and while it’s still risky I’m just… okay with that. I totally understand and respect why this group of girlfriends does NOT want to take that risk–but I don’t want to feel responsible for their safety, or worry them about mine, on a trip like this. When I go out with this friend group here in the States, I make sure everyone gets home safely and definitely participate in the sisterhood of looking out for one another in the bar/nightclub/whatever. But when I’m traveling, if I want to disappear into the night on a side quest, I don’t want to have to worry about anyone else.
Now this friend group is generally annoyed with me for this gender double standard, although some of them begrudgingly admit it’s kinda valid. One girl in particular though doesn’t want to invite me on her bachelorette trip anymore, which I find hurtful. Most of the time I am very much so a "girls’ girl" and show up as a good friend, I just want some freedom on vacation–but a bachelorette trip is about celebrating HER, not about me, so I definitely wouldn’t have the same attitude for that. AITA for having this double standard when traveling?
NTA
NTA. It’s your time and money. I don’t see any double standard around gender. It seems more about the social expectations. It’s understandable to not want to go as a larger group, as it will inevitably mean you (and likely others in the group) end up doing activities they wouldn’t choose for themselves.
NTA. the ones that get it are your TRUE friends. Just be polite and kind when discussing your travel needs and dont worry about the complainers inner entitlement.
It’s not about “double gender” standards.
There is a fundamental difference in traveling in a group versus solo, but there’s also significant differences in the types of groups one can travel with.
You want time to do your own thing. This group of friends does not value that.
BUT. This group said you could have joined them and still spent time doing your own thing. You didn’t want to because you would feel responsible for being the “mom” in the group.
So my question to you is this — why do you keep doing it? Because you’re only the “mom” because you chose to be. If you stopped playing that role, would you be comfortable traveling with them and doing your own thing?
Or would they be exhausting about it? Because some friends say you can do your own thing but then whine if you follow through.
I think the main difference was they said they could do my on thing, but only during the daytime. They were thinking more along the lines of, “Oh, she wants to go to different museums than we do. That’s fine.” But when they go out at night together, they do all expect to stick together as a group. I would feel bad and selfish for abandoning the group in that situation, since they would worry about me being off on my own (that’s in their nature), and I wouldn’t be helping them out if they needed it. I feel like it’s easy to just say “go do your own thing, stop playing that role”–but if I did, for example, see a friend of mine have a little too much to drink, or receiving uncomfortable attention from a man, I wouldn’t be able to walk away. So I mainly worry that if we started the night together, I’d feel like I have to finish it with them, instead of going where the night takes me.
NTA I totally get wanting some time to yourself on trips like that, especially if you’re normally the person everyone goes to/leans on most of the time!! Besides, you went with one person. They were wanting to go together as a whole group. I could see them feeling butthurt about it if you had gone with a different GROUP of people, but one person happening to tag along last minute purely for coincidental purposes. They wanted to do their own thing, you wanted to do your own thing, you happen to know eachother and be going to the same area so you bunked together (unless I’m misunderstanding anything) It just works out better and there’s less expectation for you to be including everyone else
NTA they know how much they rely on you, theyre just mad because they dont see it from your perspective.
Tell them next time you all make plans youll act the way you prefer to on vacay. And theyll see they dont want to really hang out with that version of you as much. Likely call you distant, rude, or self-centered, use that opportunity and say THAT is exactly why you dont wanna vacay with them, a vacay is for YOU to enjoy!!!!
NTA.
If you already had your own trip planned, it’s reasonable that you’d want to see it through without having to accommodate others. I can appreciate that your friends are feeling deceived, but there is a difference between a ‘group trip’ where there is an emphasis on community activity and ‘sharing accommodations with someone’ on what’s effectively still a solo trip.
There may be some AH wiggle room in how you explain, “I will follow your lead on your trip, and I will contribute to the group on group trips, but my trip to Spain was still **my** trip to Spain. My friend, also, went to Spain, so we shared a room, but none of my plans were adjust for him and vis versa.” but I don’t find any fault with your core concept.
NTA – you don’t owe anyone anything, especially not a long drawn out explanation of why you want to do whatever YOU want to do. Your friends sound exhausting.
“Why did you order a sandwich?! We’re here for PIZZA!”
This isn’t a gender double standard, it’s a difference in the roles *you’re choosing to assume*…
>I’m generally the “mom friend” of the group–I’m always hosting things, cooking for people as a source of comfort, people also call me the “therapy friend,” that sort of thing. \[…\] I love the freedom of doing exactly what I want, when I want, without taking care of anyone else or having to compromise plans. \[…\] I don’t want to feel responsible for their safety, or worry them about mine, on a trip like this. When I go out with this friend group here in the States, I make sure everyone gets home safely \[…\]
In other words, you’re choosing to be the “mom friend” when you’re “here in the States.”
You’ve set that expectation among your friends, and now you’re saying “oh, not if/when we go abroad.”
You’re free to change gears like that, and they’re free to react to your changes.
NAH.
NTA it’s your time and your money. You get full say in what you do with it.
NTA your trip your money your choices
NAH.
Being uninvited from the bachelorette is a logical progression, given your statements: you’ve just told them all you hate traveling or doing things as a group, especially of women, and that you exclusively want to do your own thing.
Uninviting you from the bachelorette is simply taking you at your word, because the whole *point* of it is to do events together as a group of women focusing on the bride; so I don’t think they’re necessarily T A either.
NTA – BUT, even if you’re not wrong, you can’t decide that your actions shouldn’t be hurtful to others. Just like it’s hurtful to you not to be invited on the bachelorette trip, even if your friend might have valid reasons. For the Spain trip, I don’t think it’s surprising that your friends are feeling a bit offended, even if your decision is completely valid. That’s something you have to accept and navigate as a factor in your friendship with the girls. Also, depending on how expensive a particular trip is, and what your finances are like, it’s healthy to make compromises in a friendship in general, and also when it comes to travelling and having new experiences together. I also have my particular style of travelling, but I compromise on this in order to travel with friends once in a while because I know it means a lot to them to have the experience together, and because it means something to me too.