Since our first date, I (20F) knew my now boyfriend (22M) smokes. He actually smoked a lot on our first date. I’ve never liked or even understood smoking, but it wasn’t really a dealbreaker for me. I made it clear that I wasn’t a fan of it, but it wasn’t something that would make me not date him.
Now, it’s 7-8 months, and I was wrong. Since before him I didn’t have that much contact with people that smoke regularly, I didn’t know how absolutely terrible and disgusting it is. It stinks, I hate the smoke constantly near me… but the worst part is knowing that it is harmful to his health and it will definitely cause him complications.
I rationalize it by thinking about the costs, of both the cigarettes and future health treatments (none of us is financially stable), but deep down what makes me sick is the way it is killing him day by day. I have a relative that had a huge tumor because of cigarettes, and I can’t think of anything else in my head when I see the person that I love so much forging this path for himself.
And there’s more: his friend. A specific close friend that I honestly didn’t like since the beginning. I didn’t knew exactly why I hated him so much. But then I figured it out: just by being near this friend, my bf smokes 10x more.
And yes, I know I cannot just ask him to choose between me and the cigarettes. He’s addicted, he cannot have a day without it. And it’s not even just the addiction, you know? He doesn’t want to stop, because he genuinely likes it. It breaks my heart… why would someone throw their health in the trash because of something so ridiculous? He said that when he is finally in a good financial situation, he’ll stop, because he won’t have to wake up worrying about it anymore and won’t have to find joy in a vice. I trust him, but… I don’t know about that…
I asked him to stop smoking just near me. Not just going away to smoke and then coming back or something. I asked him to fully stop smoking when I’m near, because just thinking about him smoking makes me sick. I know it will be hard for him, so I asked him to at least try, and I’ll understand if he’s not able to follow it 100% of the time. And he accepted.
I don’t know what to do when we start to see each other more often, or when we move together in some years. I’m scared.
So… Am I the asshole for asking him that?
tl;dr: My boyfriend smokes and I hate it, but I know I cannot force him to stop. I just asked if he could not smoke when we are together. Am I the asshole?
I think smoking may be a dealbreaker for you
NTA – but you should know you’re probably gonna want him to stop smoking all-together in the near future….and its OKAY for that to be a deal breaker, and you should be honest with yourself if you want to be with a smoker or not. the only person that can convince him to quit is himself.
NTA. I cant imagine why anyone would date a smoker. You can absolutely tell him that you can’t be around it. However, you’re young and your best move is breaking up and finding someone more compatible.
NTA…however, you need to accept that smoking is a deal breaker for you. That’s okay! Now you know.
Soft yta for the expectation
This isnt going to work out. Youre just prolonging the inevitable breakup, why?
You cant make him stop. You shouldnt make him stop (in the i control you perspective). Creating obstacles to him smoking is only going to build resentment from him and you will slowly grow to hate this situation more and more