So backstory, me f23 and my now fiancé m23 recently got engaged a few months ago, been dating for 5 years
It was a perfect proposal at our hotel on vacation at (beautiful place) cuz we had a amazing view and he know I don’t like to be fussed over a bunch of strangers so that’s why is was private,
We were there for two nights and when we got back i moved in with him (was already in the works that I was finishing moving in with him before we got engaged)
So when we came back I went to my mothers house to grab boxes to bring to his place and also tell me mom the news, she was overjoyed of course because she loves my fiancé
None of this is a problem the problem is I told her not to tell a single sole I am engaged, she seemed to forget this conversation over and over again and proceeded to tell people, I would come by to grab stuff from the apartment and the neighbours ask to see the ring,
I confronted her and she basically said
“ your my daughter I have a right to be excited about your news” which. Yes you are allowed to be excited but I told you not to tell anyone,
weeks pass and it’s a week before Christmas and my mom randomly starts spamming me saying my grandmother is furious that I did not tell her about the engagement and that she apparently found out from another family member
( I didn’t tell any of my family including my grandmother because I have been moving and working full time plus overtime)
So I haven’t told anyone, I planed on telling people on Christmas.
I ask my mom if she had been telling people and she said no and she “ doesn’t know how my grandmother found out” there is literally no one els who could of spread this,
Christmas comes and I see family and they all keep coming up to me asking to see the ring before I even announced anything, I don’t even say anything I just look at my mother each time someone says that, and she just keeps saying “ I didn’t tell them”
After things die down we’re at the table eating most people have left the table at that point and I start confronting my mother again asking why she told people, I told her stop lying to me cuz I didn’t tell anyone but her so I know 100% is was her who told people, she then gets defensive saying she was just excited and could not help it.
My uncle at that point started defending me saying that my mother should not of said anything if I didn’t want it said, he then tells me that my mother told him I was engaged basically confirming what I already knew that she spread the news,
At this point. I haven’t even rly been speaking to my mother because I was very close to my grandmother she moved away pretty far a few years ago and I don’t have the money to visit her and not my grandmother who is a petty woman but I still love her hasn’t spoken to me and is ignoring calls and texts, I am beyond furious and my mother thinks I’m being dramatic and it’s “no big deal”
What do you think am I being dramatic? I don’t think I am.
The problem is you told someone. It was no longer a secret at that point. You couldn’t keep it a secret. Your mom couldn’t keep it a secret. NAH
Nta, but also… It kinda seems like you know what your mother is like. She’s not going to apologize, and she isn’t going to keep secrets. So if you keep telling her secrets, you do kind of become t a.
Waiting weeks so you can make a dramatic Center of a attention announcement is kind of a jerk move.
NTA, but now you know. If/when you get pregnant, don’t tell mom before the public announcement.
How long were you waiting to tell people that you were engaged? A few months? What did you think was going to happen when you told people at Christmas and told them the story of how you were engaged two months ago? Your mum’s not great but waiting until a Christmas so you would be the center of attention isn’t great either.
And maybe your grandmother isn’t talking to you because after you got engaged you didn’t want to tell her for a couple of months.
That’s where I’m stuck. Like OP got engaged and while it’s great news it doesn’t need to be a whole thing besides a pic & text announcing she got engaged. Waiting a couple of weeks to send an announcement sure but a few months? And OP doesn’t know who knows who. Someone could have seen the ring & told someone in her family who told other people not necessarily OP’s mom.
Info:how long were you expecting your mom to sit on the seceret. You stated it had been weeks, did you at any point share eith your mom you were going to share the news at Christmas or update her?
I’m not saying what she did was not wrong, but I am wondering if you gave her additional information on how long you expected her to wait, when you would be telling people ect. Personally if I dont want people to share information about me, I dont tell them. Especially my parents, as a parent myself I know at times I cannot wait to share the joy in my kids lives and sometimes I want to share their sorrows, too. As their parent those things impact me, as well.
Do I respect my kids when they say “hey this is private” yes, but does it change my want or sometimes need to share those things? No, but thats what I pay my therapist for….
NTA… but if you’d rather tell people in an announcement, then dont tell anyone before the announcement
NTA, but I’m wondering why you didn’t tell your grandma before your mom. At your age you should know the kind of person your mom is, and you should have anticipated her reaction.
YTA – If you didn’t want your mom to tell anyone because you wanted to wait months to tell them, you shouldn’t have told your mom or you could have said you wanted to tell everyone over Christmas.
I have mixed feelings on this because on the one hand I get where you’re coming from – it’s your news to share, but on the other hand, it seems like a long time to wait to tell people. Also, Christmas? That’s giving “I need to be the centre of attention” vibes and Christmas should be about everyone not your news from 2 months prior.̱..? Seems ESH
Somewhere between NTA and NAH. Engagements are a big enough deal that expecting it to stay secret for somewhere between weeks and months was not a particularly realistic idea. Should she have still tried? Obviously. However when deciding how mad you are at her about this, please consider two things. One is what your own motivation for telling her was given you wanted to make a Christmas announcement – was it just so exciting you felt you couldn’t not share, or did you tell her because you wanted your immediate family to know right away? The second is to think about just how petty grandma is, because its possible she’d have the same reaction to a delayed announcement as she did to hearing it from someone other than you.
ESH
Yta for not telling your family the night it happened. If I was your granny I would also feel unloved by your actions
Of course your selfish mother is also an AH
Normally I’d say people don’t have a right to share your information, especially when explicitly told not to, but… you waited *months* to tell close family about your engagement? ESH.