I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We started dating when we were teenagers. One thing I’ve always admired is how much he shows up for people. He is a "100% effort" guy, if a friend or family member is in trouble, he is the first to call everyone he knows to fix it.
He’s done this for me too. He has rallied his friends to help me with work or offered his own money without a second thought. Even when I’ve told him "no" or that I can handle things myself, he subtly steps in and takes care of it anyway. He has a community of people where everyone helps everyone.
I don’t operate in that way. I like being self-dependent and I feel a lot of internal pressure when it comes to asking for favors. I don’t like to impose on my friends, especially regarding money or personal items.
The differences had never been a problem (we were both young to see any) until now. Lately I feel like he expects the same from me. For instance, we live two hours apart, but I have a friend who lives near him. Because I wasn’t around to help him during a recent emergency, he asked me to call my friend to ask for favors for him (like borrowing extra bedding). It made me incredibly uncomfortable to put my friend on the spot for his sake.
Most recently, a close friend of his from work hit a financial crisis. My boyfriend managed to pull together some money to lend him, but when he asked me to help manage more, I told him I didn’t have much. He then told me to ask my best friend to lend the money. I said no.
He was genuinely confused and actually quite rude about it. To him, my refusal felt like I was being intentionally difficult. He isn’t trying to be controlling, he just believes that his way of communal living is the only way to exist. I feel like he’s asking me to sacrifice my comfort and the way I keep my friendships to fit his version of "help," he seems to think I should have no problem doing this.
I ended up getting angry and we had a big fight. Where did I go wrong? How do I explain to him that my boundaries aren’t an attack on his values, but that my friends are not part of his "favors" network? And please lmk AITA for not helping people out or asking for favours because I don’t feel comfortable?