My girlfriend and I just got engaged. She has a brain tumor ( not cancer ) that has accelerated our timeline. We are going to get legally married so that I can get her on my insurance for treatment and eventually brain surgery . Because she is going to need brain surgery which will require a good portion of her head to be shaved and will leave a scar she wants to have the formal wedding this year so she can feel beautiful and not have a bald spot/ scar.
We have looked at a few venues and we found one we love and is in our budget. The problem is the only date they have available in 2026 is Halloween. My brother in his fiance have said they are getting married on Halloween 2027 but they have not put money down on a venue , have not sent out save the dates , and honestly i dont believe they have the money for this so at best it is tentative in my book. I understand that choosing the same date might be considered a faux pas so I asked my brother if it would bother him and offered for me and my fiance to celebrate our anniversary on the day we get legally married going forward instead of halloween so it could be considered his day and said we would have no halloween theme or decorations if he wants that for his wedding and doesnt want us to have a similar theme.
I expected some level of understanding but he was bullshit and told me not only can we not have our wedding on halloween , we cannot have it in october at all. I am going to look at other venues and try and find something to not upset him but ultimately if I cant find something else that we love and can afford I am just going to go ahead with the halloween date. Am I the asshole?
NTA. No one owns a date. Your situation is serious. Get married and be happy.
NTA. Get married while you can; tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.
NTA
Dude
I want to go off on your brother so fucking bad.
Have your wedding when you can, ASAP. Don’t worry about the day, he can get over much faster than if you wait to get her on your medical, wait to get treatment, and she fucking dies because your brother was being possessive over a date.
Ignore him. Have your wedding on Halloween.
NTA. If the venue you love and can afford only has x date available and you’re open to the date, go for it! No one owns a date.
NTA
He doesn’t get to gatekeep the wedding date in an entirely different year
I think it’s nice that you’ll share an anniversary in future years. I’m sorry he doesn’t see it that way
Don’t let him impact your plans
Your only mistake here was asking him in the first place and giving him a chance to object.
The idea of owning a month is ridiculous even without your individual circumstances.
NTA.
NTA but consider a legal marriage with a huge recommitment ceremony later. Sooner on Healthcare on sooner the surgery
We are going to get legally married within the next couple of weeks so she can get on my health insurance . The tumor she has isnt large enough for them to currently safely remove so the doctors have advised that it needs to grow a little more so they can safely remove it without worry of causing damage to her brain. She still wants to have her day even though we will technically be married and wants it to happen before she has the surgery which is whats causing us to need to get the ball rolling.
I think this is all lovely. And I think that I would mention one thing, and my apologies if it makes *me* the AH.
Facing brain surgery is serious stuff. She may not recover and she may not survive long afterwards. She may be fine, and I wish no ill will, my apologies for bringing it up. I do so, because in that event, your brother’s anniversary will then always be yours and wife’s anniversary. If she were to pass early, the day will be heavy with grief and sorrow for many years to come. I’m sure that your brother and his wife will understand, and if they love you they will support you. But you are potentially asking a family member to never have a joyous celebration without causing you some pain.
I wish my brothers could embrace my joy with me. And it’s sad when they can’t. But I understand that life is messy. But if you were my brother, would I wish that your anniversary date was on another day? Selfishly yeah. Only you can measure that risk. My condolences that you’re going through something so hard. Good health and long life to you and yours.
NTA
Okay, I feel like I need to sit him down and explain: you get *a day*. Not *that date in perpetuity is reserved for you and only you*.
Where’s his bloody compassion? This is the stupidest thing to gatekeep. There’s a whole year after your wedding for him to have everyone focus on his.
NTA. It’s Halloween dude. Like, no shade to anyone who’s gotten married on Halloween, but it’s not like it’s a unique thing. It happens a LOT. I could get it if it was any other random day of the year, being a little upset by it or asking if you could maybe reconsider, but HALLOWEEN? Does he know that MANY other people will be getting married on that very day WITH Halloween decorations?? He better start writing emails.
He definitely doesn’t own the MONTH either. And I’m sorry, but if they haven’t made any effort to secure their plans, then they can’t say it’s definitely happening anyway. You tried to give him a polite heads up and it’s nice that you did but you absolutely can do whatever works for you and your fiance.
NTA. Brain tumor surgery trumps all other considerations – just a complete free pass. If there wasn’t a brain tumor, it gets closer, but you’re still probably not an AH because they haven’t booked anything.
NTA In my experience, a wedding anniversary isnt something you generally celebrate with others. It’s a meaningful day to you and your spouse. Get married when you want. It’s not even in the same year. Nobody owns a day or month in perpetuity.