I attended an outdoor home wedding recently (my wife’s best friend), and since I try my best to protect my hearing whenever possible, I wore earplugs. The music was incredibly loud, the bass was literally shaking the roof and the walls of the house.
My wife told me I was being weird for wearing them. I told her I would gladly take them out if they turned the music down, but I didn’t want to force them to change it if everyone else enjoyed the volume. I value my hearing, and since the music lasted from 7:00 AM to 8:00 PM, I even had to hide in one of the bedrooms to give my ears a break. I would come out when they asked to take pictures.
My wife thinks I should have stayed out and enjoyed the party. She already knows how important hearing loss is since I make her wear ear plugs every time we ride motorcycles and I tell her it’s not something you can get back. AITA for not enjoying the party fully? I went out and said my hellos but when people asked why i was in the room I explained the music was too loud.
Note: before posting I downloaded a decibel reader on my phone, not sure how accurate it is but it reads 81db in the bedroom.
Info- did you have permission to be in the bedroom?
NTA
You can have earplugs in and still have a good time. It’s not inherently a weird thing to do.
No cares about your earplugs but your wife.
YTA.
Being concerned about protecting your hearing to this extent sounds like a fixation/anxious thought you’re really hooked on. You make your wife wear earplugs; you hide in bedrooms to avoid noise.
We consider something a mental illness when it begins to affect your ability to enjoy your life, and this fixation is impacting not just your ability to enjoy a wedding – but your wifes’ as well. You felt so afraid of hearing damage you left your wife in an event and hid out in a bedroom.
That would be acceptable if you were having a panic attack or were feeling overstimulated and needed a moment, but it’s not. It’s seems almost passive aggressive? (e.g. signalling to hosts and guests it is too loud without needing to feel rude by saying it — although you also seem to have told plenty of people as well).
I have misophonia, so I totally get the anxiety of being unable to control the noise around me. I wear ear protection to loud events, but I still attend them, and everyone knows I still want to be involved I’m just protecting my ears because I won’t be able to concentrate otherwise. But if someone is snapping a hard candy against their teeth on the bus, no matter how it fills me with rage, it’s my responsibility to put in headphones and deal with it. I don’t go tell the person to stop or just abandon the bus: I work on coping strategies to live normally and not force everyone around me to change their totally normal behaviour because of my preference.
Weddings have music. Party music is loud. This is normal and expected. You were already wearing ear plugs. The decibel reader I assume was reading the level when not ear-plugged, so you weren’t in danger of damage.
I really hope you apologize to your wife and make an appointment with a therapist, because this isn’t healthy to fixate on anything like this.
Did you read to the end? The sound level *in the* ***bedroom*** (the quietest place) was 81 db – even that is on the verge of causing hearing damage. The area of the main party was clearly much worse.
>81 dB is a moderately loud sound, roughly equivalent to heavy traffic, a vacuum cleaner, or a garbage disposal. It is on the threshold of being dangerous, where prolonged exposure (generally over 8 hours) can lead to hearing damage.
NTA Individuals are allowed to respect their own boundaries and needs. This event sounds intense. You should stop calling it “hiding in the bedroom”, this sounds like what a guilt applying someone-else is labeling it on you. “Taking a break from the loud music” is a more neutral term.
If this is something that affects you other times, you might have a more graceful means of stepping out, and leaving gracefully. Say hellos, attend the important parts, but then take leave and come back if needed. Take a walk around the block or to a park if it’s appropriate locale. Mention it ahead to your wife if she wants to stay.
All this is fine and anyone that starts guilting you about what is acceptable or not is not worth your time.
I have tinnitus and hearing loss and it sucks. Hearing aids help but have their limitations.
NTA – “too loud” is subjective and if an environment you’re in is too loud for you then it’s ok to take steps to remediate that. Personally, if I was in an environment where they kept overly loud music going for 13 hours I would have probably found a way to leave.
NTA, but you sound obsessive about sound. Just softly saying.
Soft YTA
This is a bit extreme for worry about hearing loss. I’m 50, have been to many concerts, loud bars, worked with heavy equipment and listen to loud music. My hearing has been tested twice for work and I have excellent hearing.
One wedding with family and your wife is not going to make you deaf. You could have worn ear plugs and stayed at the wedding. Going and hiding and leaving your wife because you are worried this much is rude and unhealthy. You might want to speak to a hearing specialist or a doctor about your concerns.
NTA for wearing earplugs. They aren’t bothering anyone and most people probably didn’t even notice them.
But YTA for hiding in the bedroom. That’s kind of weird and antisocial. Was this your house? Were you staying there or do you just go into someone’s room to hide?
Some people have sensitive ears, and hearing loss can be devastating. I would have taken a break too. NTA because you explained your reasons, didn’t cause a scene, and you did go back out throughout the day.
First, go to an ENT and get your ears and hearing checked. You could have an infection or physical problem that is affecting your sensitivity. Next, get a referral to a mental health professional who specializes in this area of physical/sensory issues and see what you can uncover. It should be obvious, even to you, that hiding in a bedroom alone while none of the other guests have an issue is indicative of another concern.
Life is hard enough…..don’t make it harder on yourself when you can take some steps to smooth the way. Good luck to you!