I (25M) have a pretty good relationship with my mom. She’s a sweet person but she has one habit that drives me up the wall. she buys me clothes that are not my style at all. We’re talking bright patterned sweaters, stiff dress pants, graphic tees with like, eagles on them. I’m a very simple dresser. plain solid colors, jeans, understated stuff. I’ve told her politely for years Mom I appreciate it but please don’t buy me clothes. I’m picky and I have what I need.
She never listens. Every birthday, Christmas, there’s a bag from a department store. I’d thank her then donate some items with tags still on. most ends up in the wardrobe which takes up space. She’d sometimes ask about a specific item months later and I’d have to lie that it’s in the wash or something. It created this low level awkwardness.
This year for my birthday she handed me a big box. Inside was a very expensive very loud leather jacket. It had zippers and buckles all over it. It looked like something a rock star from 1985 would wear and It must have cost her a fortune.
Instead of my usual fake smile and thanks I just felt tired. I told er we needed to talk. I sat her down and started with I love you. I love that you think of me But this jacket is a perfect example. It’s not me. I’ve asked you not to buy me clothes. When you do this it tells me you’re not seeing me. you’re seeing some version of me you wish I was. It makes me feel like you don’t listen. I can’t keep these gifts. I’m going to return this jacket for you tomorrow, and I really need you to stop.
She was completely crushed. She cried a little and said she just try so hard. Shopping for me is how she show love. I felt awful but I also felt I had to be honest.
My dad was not happy about this and i only found out from my sister that my mom has always known i was into guys. i am bi and she thinks i’m completely gay and not bold enough to come out and be myself. those clothes were supposed to boost my confidence and help me be brighter and speak out more. i feel misunderstood and think this is deeper than i thought. never thought i was zesty. i’m not so much into guys and yes i i’m fighting it. i dont want to be gay at all. i hate when i find a guy attractive. i barely talk in public, walk cautiously so my moves don’t give me out. at this point i dont know if i can make her understand or apologize and keep pretending to love her gifts.
NAH – your mum definitely shouldn’t be completely ignoring your preferences and its so frustrating when family constantly buys you things you don’t wear. That being said, she can most likely see some self-resentment over you struggling to come to terms with being bisexual. Sexuality is a very hard, very personal thing to come to terms with, and it seems like your mum (in a very misguided way) is trying really hard to help you not be so hard on yourself about it.
All this to be said, I hope you find peace within yourself and who you are, and I think you should go shopping with your mum so she can see in person the kind of things you’re drawn toward. Good luck op
Nta mom needs to learn to listen. On an entirely different note, brother it’s time for therapy. Not to help you come out or make any realizations about your sexuality but because it doesn’t sound like you like yourself very much. You deserve to feel ok about your feelings, even if you never act on them.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Good for you finally having a talk with her. I think it was probably long overdue. If shopping is her love language, could you possibly go WITH her to shop? My daughter has an alternative style and if anyone in my family wants to buy her clothes they always go shopping together. Think bonding time! I hope this is possible and it helps. No AHs here!