Am I the asshole for ignoring my boyfriend’s sister? My 20F and my boyfriend 23M have been together for a couple months now and as of lately I’ve been staying with him in his parents house, his parents are sweet and treat me like one of their own, and his sister 21F lives in a city 5 hours away meaning we don’t see her much and most conversations she’s included in are over the phone. from what I could tell she didn’t mind me before coming back to our home town and starting off it was the basic questions “hi how are you?” this and that but I’ve always noticed she makes digs at me indirectly but says them in a way to try to make me look and feel bad. I’ve said nothing about it to my boyfriend or his family just because I don’t want to look sensitive but I know if I say anything similar to the things she says to me she’s going to say something about it. So my solution for the time being is to ignore her because I’m at a loss for what else to do without making waves, so am I the asshole for ignoring her
Edit: the digs my boyfriends sister makes about me involve my appearance (I have bad cystic acne) my height, (I’m on the taller side for a girl) and past experiences of me fainting in school which those situations were embarrassing enough and not something I exactly want brought up I also think I should mention by “staying” with him and his family I mean I visit for a couple days at a time and spend time in my own home as well
punctuation is so important
Yeah this was exhausting to try to read. I just gave up halfway through. The sad thing is that people who lack basic writing skills think it’s not a big deal.
NTA but I would tell your boyfriend about this. It’s not fair for you to have to deal with this alone.
INFO: What is shes saying?
Yeah, I’m wondering how bad it is, and if it warrants sensitivity.
She brings up parts of my past for an example she had brought up to my boyfriend how I fainted in the middle of a class she had taken in school with me which was definitely not something I want spoken about, or she makes digs at how I look (I have horrible cystic acne), my height because I happen to be taller than my boyfriend and her
Yeah, this is a her problem, not a you problem. No need for any reaction, you’re handling it perfectly.
NTA
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Need for info! What type of “digs” is she making? Are they just light hearted jokes or actually mean/offensive? Also if they bother you, then tell her, communicate!
She makes digs at my appearance (I have bad cystic acne), I’m taller than my boyfriend and his sister, she brings up embarrassing parts of my past ex.) when I fainted and fell out of my desk in school when she was in the same class as me which isn’t something I exactly want brought up.
NTA.
Don’t let her get away with it. She knows what she is doing and it is intentional.
Be calm. When you hear a statement that is out of bounds, stop, and say, “I’m sorry, can you repeat that, I don’t think I heard you.” And then don’t talk again. Let it go silent. Wait. If someone else tries to talk, just calmly say, “sorry, before we move on, could you please repeat that?”
It will force her to say it again, force everyone who acts like it’s nothing to actually hear it, and she will either double down, call it a joke, repeat it in a softer way…no matter what, you have taken the impact she was hoping to have and instead made her feel awkward and most likely a little ashamed, even if you don’t see it.
You can either then just say, okay, I guess I did hear you right or you can be a little braver and say, “Were you trying to make me feel XXX?, cause that’s kind of how I’m feeling”.
But you can always leave it with the okay. Everyone will know what just happened and she will be hesitant to do it again. If she does, and you stay consistent, follow the exact same path and she will stop. Most likely, someone else in the family will end up saying something to her without you there once it becomes obvious what she’s doing.
Don’t let anyone disrespect you. You don’t have to be combative or blow anything up. You can call someone out without causing a scene. You can let someone know what is acceptable to you with a few carefully chosen words, and silence. Make the assholes stand in their actions.
You are not wrong. Your body knew before your brain did and now your brain is trying to tell you it’s no big deal. Don’t listen to your brain. It lies all the time. Trust your gut. You know the truth. You always do.
Sounds like OP’s BF’s sister’s comments are fact-based. Either accept these true comments or speak with her gently away from the others the next time she talks about any of these facts. Tell her that you feel uncomfortable talking about your height, fainting and acne. Tell her you’d appreciate her not bringing those things up again.
Go to a dermatologist and get help with your acne. Accept your height, nothing to be ashamed about, and your fainting spell years ago. Stop being oversensitive.
NAH
I don’t think you’re the ah for ignoring someone coming at your appearance or past experiences that you’re embarrassed by, but I’d say to communicate this with your boyfriend so he knows that it is affecting you. Hopefully he is understanding of your boundaries and if the sister gets upset at you ignoring her, that’s a her problem. Maybe she’ll learn a respectful way to communicate/talk to people